Christ, I’m emo.
I know, I’m as shocked as you are. All these years, I just thought I could push this jet-black hair back behind my ears like the rest of the guys and no one would notice. It’s the go-to haircut for any chirpy Québécois – the only guy I can think of who didn’t was Ray Bourque, and he was frickin’ harsh. Why did I substitute the F-bomb with frickin? That’s what emo does to you. Even when you try to display emotion, you operate at a checking-line level. God, it’s like I’m bleeding melancholy right now.
Look at these eyes. These aren’t eyes of rock. These are the eyes of angst. Nobody understood me in Buffalo. I wanted to play there. My kids wanted me to play there. Hell, J.P. Losman offered to watch them when we went on the road. But no, the Sabres liked Drury better. I did everything to change their minds and their souls – All-Star Game MVP, 95 regular season points, furtive glances at Afinogenov – but nothing worked. Buffalo wanted Drury, and he didn’t want them in return. It was heart-breaking. I wrote a sonnet signifying the end of Chris’ time in Sabres’ blue, but my uncontrollable sobbing fried the laptop that I typed it on. Now I’m going to have to go to Best Buy and get a new one. Life is so hard.
When I joined the Flyers, some nice PR intern asked me to answer some questions about myself so that Philly could get to know me. And while I thought that the best way to answer them would have been to use Pete Wentz’s lyrics, I played along. Well you know what? I lied. It hurt me to lie, but I couldn’t disappoint Marty Biron – he had said such nice things about me – “he’s a born leader and feisty as hell” I’m sorry, Martin. It was an act in Buffalo; I’ve never once felt feist. Is that even a word? God, it should be, and I will be its despondent keeper.
Anyway, here were some of my answers. I’ve included my real answers in parenthesis.
- What is your favorite food? Steak (side caesar salad, hold the caesar)
- What do you do to relax? Golf (sew my Juniors patches on my new Flyers’ hoodie)
- What is your favorite movie? Good Will Hunting (Donnie Darko)
- What is the one thing you cannot live without? Cell Phone (Sunny Day Real Estate’s Rising Tide)
- If you weren’t a hockey player, what would you be? Probably an Accountant. (A Wet Blanket)
So as you may have seen on the Flyers’ website, I’m Danny Briere. Daniel is dead to me, and I actually buried him in the backyard of my new 8-bedroom mansion, (ethereally-speaking) (About the burial, not the mansion.) I’m on your Philadelphia Flyers, and I am proud to model your new jerseys, shown here. Apparently the new Reebok sweaters are supposed to be 75% lighter because they keep you completely dry. They better have magic weaved in the threads. Otherwise how are they supposed to dry the tears I’m crying on the inside?
(Note: I know blogging at a place like MYFO isn’t very emo. But my identical twin Will L. suggested it would make me feel better. Maybe I can just wear a black t-shirt for home games as a subtle way to say thanks.)