Making Puck: The Dennis Miller Edition

You know, I don’t mean to go off on a rant here…actually, fuck that noise. I’m not going to sit here and try to imitate that conservative cock-gobbler. It’s been done – over and over and over again. Ugh. I think we can all agree that Dennis Miller is a douchebaster and his shtick grew tired long before he tanked on Monday Night Football and turned to Republicanism. So the question is, why did the well-respected Versus cable network choose to hitch their wagon to such a has-been? And why are they insisting on re-airing his “pilot” episode ad nauseum (check your local listings!). Well, those questions aren’t for me to answer (at this point); my job this morning is to report the results of last night’s NHL action. So onwards and upwards, as they say.

*for a truly offensive picture of Mr. Miller, click here (sfw).

Take that, Boston! You don’t rule the NHL! Yet: Yeah, shut your fucking traps, you Massholes! The Bruins continue to struggle on the road, losing 2-1 in overtime to the also-struggling Sabres. Clarke McArthur scored the game winner early in overtime as Buffalo ended their losing streak at three games. Boston has now dropped seven of their past eight against Buffalo. A power play goal by Ales Kotalik in the second period halted the Sabres’ scoreless streak at 99 minutes, 13 seconds – that sure as hell ain’t helping Buffalo’s cause.

Garrett Reid somehow was able  to keep one pill hidden up his ass for this one in anticipation: Philadelphia finally managed to get off the snide against Pittsburgh after losing all eight games against them last year as the Flyers beat the Penguins 3-1 in “Shittsburgh”* (thanks, Sienna Miller!). The Flyers jumped to a 2-0 lead in the first period, including a goal by Joffrey Lopul 28 seconds in on an assist from the very emo Daniel Briere, and never looked back. Jesus Christ chose to contribute one assist in the loss.   *MYFO takes no organizational stand on whether or not Pittsburgh is indeed “shitty”. We leave that one to the beautiful people who know far more than us peons - or, if no one like that is available, Sienna Miller will work.

The “Battle for America’s Cock” continues to throb: The Tampa Bay Lightning were able to exact their revenge on Wednesday night, taking it to the Florida Panthers in a 3-1 victory. The Lightning finally snapped their seven game losing streak (get off the ledge, Reasonable) on goals by Jan Hlavac (how do you pronounce that? Someone let me know) and Martin St. Louis in the first period and eventually put it out of reach via an empty-netter by Vincent Lecavalier. Kamil Kreps, another one of my favorite NHL names – it sounds like a bowel disorder - scored the lone goal for the Panthers.

Ted Nugent fired his gun in the air in celebration, or for some other reason entirely: In a clash of Western Conference heavyweights, Detroit maintained their white-hot pace and edged hockey-hotbed Nashville in a shootout 3-2. Chris Osgood was once again solid in relief of ailing Dominik Hasek, making 28 saves. Detroit was up with a comfortable 2-0 lead with goals by Daniel “Beverly” Cleary and Jiri Hudler only to relinquish that lead by virture of third period goals by Ryan Suter and Jean-Pierre Dumont (oui oui!). The Red Wings have now won eight straight.

Columbus goes down on Chicago, feels cheap and used: When the initials of your team moniker can also be used to spell “Blow Job”, you better get used to it. Chicago really laid into Columbus, scoring four goals in the third period in a serious ass-kicking of the Blue Jackets,. The final score was 5-2 but does it really matter when you give up 4 goals in one period? To the victor go the spoils; unfortunately, half of Chicago’s team can’t get into a bar so the spoils will have to be non-alcoholic (yeah, right). Babyface Jonathan Toews had a goal and an assist in the dominant Chicago performance. By the way, did Chicagoland get to see this home game now that Wirtz is dead and gone? I hope they did, because it must have been a doozie.

It was a little greasy, but eventually it slid right in and it was so worth it: In yet another shootout Wednesday evening, the Avalanche prevailed over the Oilers 4-3. Joe Fucking Sakic had little to do with the outcome of the game as far as goals were concerned, but Peter Budaj did just enough to gain the “W” for Colorado. Meanwhile, Dwayne Roloson rebounded after a horrid effort against the Minnesota Wild earlier this week to make 35 saves for Edmonton. Unfortunately, it was not enough for the downward-spiraling Oilers. C’mon Edmonton, pick up your game! The fate of Canadian hockey depends on it! Well, not really, but I hate seeing Canadian teams struggle. Call me old-fashioned, but be careful about it – I’m mentally unstable.

11 Goals? According to my calculations, that’s one less than 12!: In an absolute barnburner, Wayne Gretzky’s Phoenix Coyotes edged out some guy’s Randy Carlyle’s Mighty Ducks courtesy of Shane Doan’s game-winner in overtime, by a final score of 6-5. If I can be so crass, fuck Anaheim and the horse duck they rode in on. Whatever. Peter Mueller got himself a hat trick in the victory.

America, Fuck Yeah!: Mike Modano has finally achieved hockey immoratality by becoming the NHL’s all-time leading scorer…what? He became the all-time American-born NHL scorer? Why do we care? Who has he edged out? Everyone knows Americans got nothing on Canadia-ens insofar as hockey is concerned. Good for you, Modano – now you’re probably something like 75th on the scoring list (Weed’s guess without checking) – kudos.  No, I’m not bitter that Modano used to play for my team…why do you ask? Anyhoo, Dallas won 3-1 over San Jose – check out the link for statistical information regarding the game - NHL.com is slowing down with the recaps, kind of like I am with my screwdrivers. G’night.

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