Season Preview: Detroit Red Wings

This preview: fair and balanced like the seesaw

Important Information

1. Kristen Bell’s first love was Chris Osgood, but Chris spurned her for Nimbus the Great.

2. Mike Babcock does not have to change clothes or his name to become a Pepperpot.

3. Fuck Henrik Zetterberg. Fuck Pavel Datsyuk. Fuck Nick Lidstrom.

4. The Red Wings signed a member of last year’s Penguins team who played a pivotal role in propelling the team to the Stanley Cup. Of course, I am referring to Ty Conklin.

5. Ken Daniels: too happy?

Possible MYFO Posts this Year

1. Chris Chelios as Milton Wadams. “Oh yeah, Mr. Holland. We found out that you had waived Mr. Chelios 2 years ago but you still kept paying him, so we fixed the glitch.”

2. The Atlanta Braves welcome Detroit to the “Great Team That Can’t Fill the Stadium” Club

3. Claude Lemieux’s return results in Kris Draper requiring more facial reconstruction and he morphs into Joan Rivers.

4. Scared Straight! Part Cinq starring Jonathan Roy and Mike Vernon.

Prediction: Grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble First place in the West grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble AGAIN grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble Fuck off grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble grumble boobs grumble grumble tits grumble Zetterberg’s fiancée grumble grumble grumble … Zetterberg’s fiancée? BOIYOIYOING!!!!

Song Exemplifying the Red Wings 2008-2009 Season: “I Only Said” by My Bloody Valentine

I don’t care what Allmusic says. This is the best track on “Loveless”. “Only Shallow” gets all the credit, but “I Only Said” has better guitars and vocals more in tune with the instruments. How does this song relate to the Red Wings? Look at Kevin Shields. Is he trying? Feedback is shaking his very being, yet he just looks at his damn feet. Similarly, do the Wings look like they exude effort (besides Draper and Maltby)? No, they’re as smooth as your mama’s ass. Zetterberg and Datsyuk have merged into one ultimate hockey player that blocks shots, backchecks, forechecks, sets up goals, and finishes. There’s some emergent property in there that I can’t find, but once I do, it’ll be my doctoral thesis.

And after this year, it’ll take Detroit 16 more years to get off their fucking asses.

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2 Comments

  1. Is that Dane Cook on the see saw? It makes it funnier to me if it is…

  2. huuuuuuuuuuuum


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