Pay Us to Wear Purple

After a week of chaos, the dust has settled on the initial rush of the 2008 Free Agency period.  Nearly 100 players inked their names to new contracts in the past seven days, in an era where the owners may not have yet figured out the magic behind financially sound long-term planning.  But hey, who am I to say that 19 million to Mike Commodore may not be the best investment? 

Even more impressive, the guy behind nhlnumbers.com has gotten all of his masterful spreadsheets updated with the new numbers and each team’s cap stance.  And after a masterful analysis by the MYFO Audit Department, we’ve come to the following conclusion.

The Los Angeles Kings need to hire us.

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You’re Getting Basketball in My Hockey

One week ago, the National Hockey League conducted their Entry Draft.  It was a civil family affair, as a cordial cadre of well-dressed gentleman graced the stage for their franchise’s selection, and then welcomed a bright-eyed youngster into their fold with handshakes and oversized jerseys.  The draftees’ parents and friends looked on in awe and excitement, and everybody was happy.  If someone were to roll a Weber on stage to grill up some burgers, or perhaps an impromptu game of whiffle ball broke out, no one would bat an eye.

The NBA Draft, on the other hand, is an exercise in wearing hats that you’ll only don once.

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Aw, shit…

Doucheshark-fin!Hockey Jesus

Now I gotta deal with Hockey Jesus giving sermons to this schmuck?

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MEDIA DAY EXCLUSIVES!

Monday night, Detroit ordered that it be Christmas in May for the NHL Corporate Offices by routing Dallas and giving Gary Bettman the NHL Finals showdown he’d been hoping for.  It was hard for Bettman to be an extra good boy this year, what with the constant attacks from LeNoceur, but hey, Santa likes him.  Wings!  Pens!  It’s the Stanley Cup Finals!  Tuesday!  Right?

What do you mean Saturday? 

Following in the footsteps of the National Football League, it appears that the NHL has put off playing hockey until everyone’s rusty and forgets how to effectively set up the power play.  At MYFO, we’re in the midst of a material drain that makes a simple blogger long for the days of high octane match-ups between Columbus and Phoenix.  However will we pass the time?

BY ATTENDING MEDIA DAY

 Surely, this hockey gap is designed to heighten the fervor and lunacy of a marquee Stanley Cup Finals.  And what better way to exploit the players who shall earn thy league revenue by making them stand barefooted on the ice surface of Joe Louis Arena in their jerseys and street clothes, answering mindless questions by a media who thinks Chris Osgood is a Teen Girl Squad typo?

MYFO Readers – ASSEMBLE!

MYFO has high-cred press passes to this very-real-in-no-way-are-we-making-this-up event, and we want to ask the questions of the people to the players you’re too unimportant to get access to.  All you need to do it e-mail meltyourfaceoff@gmail.com today or tomorrow with your question and which player you’d like us to ask it to.  Friday, you’ll get your answers. 

The Red Wings and Penguins are waiting. 

It’s time to fire up the Gmails, people.

Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?

neeighhh.jpg

The St. Louis Blues rank at or near the bottom of the NHL in scoring and power play efficiency. That tends to happen when you have a roster clogged with stay-at-home defensemen and third- and fourth-line wingers whose best chance at scoring involves the opposing goaltender having a grand mal seizure.

One bright spot has been rookie winger David Perron, who has scored 11 goals (on just 46 shots, entering last night’s action), despite having been dressed for only around 40 games, and receiving a lot of limited fourth-line ice time. So why has this budding sniper been buried on the depth chart and filling up on press box food? Well, it seems he’s too “frisky.”

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I Despair for the Survival of Our Species

im-with-stupid.jpgThe NHL’s general managers are meeting this week. Instead of weighty issues like getting better TV exposure in the US, or figuring out a way to keep players from “un-retiring” two thirds of the way into the season, the game’s best and brightest are…debating the size of the net (again). Because the old 4′ by 6′ is so totally old-fashioned.

Ostensibly, the goal is to increase scoring by making the nets bigger. Even though they legislated away the mattresses that Patrick Roy used to strap to his legs, there is some sentiment that goalies’ equipment is still too big, preventing an untold number of goals from just pouring into the nets, thereby sucking millions of fans away from NASCAR and the NFL and into hockey’s creamy and waiting bosom. Continue reading

An Open Letter to Bill McCreary and Chris Rooney

“55 Philly, 2 minutes, elbowing. 27 Pittsburgh, 2 minutes, roughing.”

That’s all you had to say, gentlemen. All one of you had to do was make the call without first checking to see who was fouled, and the third period of last night’s game wouldn’t have turned into an ECHL punch-up. Continue reading

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