Havlat Draft Analysis

 

havlat_80127.jpg

As stated earlier, I leave hockey analysis to those more qualified that me, like Martin Havlát! I recently visited the NHL superstar in his native Czech Republic. He gave me his impressions of Akim Aliu, one of the Chicago Blackhawks’ 2007 2nd round draft picks, along with other thoughts about last season.

Editor’s note: due to injuries suffered in a horrible accident, Martin was in a full body cast. All of his responses are the interviewer’s guesses.

Raskolnikov: Thanks for having a bête américain at your house.

Havlát: (I don’t speak French you twat.)

Raskolnikov: First off, what happened to you?

Havlát: (I fucked Nicole Richie and the fatass broke my back.)

Raskolnikov: Looks serious. Will you be ready for the season opener against the Wild?

Havlát: (Of course! I’m the toughest motherfucker in Chicago! When have I ever not played an entire season? Compare that to other Chicago athletes. Brian Urlacher: pussy. He lets Tyna Robertson run his life. I’d never touch a skank like her!)

Raskolnikov: Well, let’s move on to hockey. What did you think about the Blackhawks draft class out …

Havlát: (Kane’s a fucking pussy and can’t score on and off the ice like me.)

Raskolnikov: Well, everyone’s high on Patrick Kane. I wanted to know your impressions of the other picks, specifically Akim Aliu, who had 1st round talent according to most scouts.

Havlát: (Aliu? More like Asnooze! Fucking Ukranians are pussies! That’s what Seinfeld taught me! Did you see him get his ass whooped by Justin Wallingford?

 

And Steve Downie knocked out 3 of his teeth! How is an enforcer supposed to protect me when he gets his ass kicked all the time?)

Raskolnikov: Well, Aliu isn’t an enforcer. He’d like to be a power forward like Todd Bertuzzi or Rick Nash.

Havlát: (Fuck that! I’m the superstar! Did you see how bad the Blackhawks were without me? I had 25 goals in 56 games! The next closest guy was Patrick Sharp with 20 goals in 80 games! Patrick Sharp is softer than Dairy Queen ice cream! Chicago needs me! ME! ME! ME! I get all the goals and bitches … ow …)

Raskolnikov: What’s wrong?

Havlát: (I broke my jaw yammering at you, kurva.)

Raskolnikov: That’s unfortunate. Can we finish this interview some other time?

Havlát: (Lick my broken vejce, zmrd!)

Raskolnikov: Thanks for your time Martin.

Assist to http://www.tsn.ca for the Havlat pic.

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