Crime and Punishment: Part 1

Due to consuming an entire bottle of wine, Raskolnikov’s loose fingers “accidentally” sent an email to Deadspin czar Will Leitch, informing the great leader of Melt Your Face-Off’s existence. However, this action was done without the knowledge or approval of any of the other writers. We were unprepared for the resulting traffic and were caught with our pants down.

The cause of this embarrassing situation, Raskolnikov, is a crazy rogue who must be taught a lesson. Therefore, we have sent him on a series of hockey “vacations” that will teach him to respect the authority of the one in charge. These trips, while not Siberia, will test his physical and mental resilience. Will he make it through his spiritual journey to rehabilitation?

First trip: a week at Boogaard Fight Camp in Regina, Saskatchewan as “Special Assistant to the Boogaards”.

As his rag doll body hung in midair, Raskolnikov’s eyes moved to the bottom of their respective sockets to look at his assailant. He could only see the forest green practice jersey covering the top of a pair of black bloomers. The large hand that propelled the assistant backwards and into the air could not be seen, as it was higher than 74 inches. After what seemed like an eternity in the air, Raskolnikov bounced on the ice, took another quarter-second trip above ground, and finally slid to a stop.

Derek Boogaard had sent the young man to the face off dot. Arms spread straight perfectly split the hash marks, with the Indian head blankly staring at Raskolnikov’s right arm. Why am I here, wondered Chief Blackhawk, who was partially obscured by the bottom of the white sweater which, a few seconds earlier, covered Raskolnikov’s head. Stuck to this hoser who makes Martin Havlát look like Natty Bumppo. David Koci would never be in this position … that chick with big tits on the side board is looking my way. Sweet thang, would you like to smoke the …

Andrew Boogaard rudely interrupted the Chief’s conversation by grabbing Raskolnikov’s collar. Sirloin steaks have more life than the pathetic sadomasochistic schmo. The younger brother sized up his opponent and took an uppercut at the limp piece of battered flesh. A parabolic motion, y = -(x – 1)² + 6, 0 < x < ((6)^0.5) + 1, in feet. As f’(x) closed in on zero, Raskolnikov’s mind recalled that moment of laxity. Other people had posted on Deadspin about Melt Your Face-Off, but none of them were unemployed or typing from a ping pong table. What was he supposed to do? Living in relative numbness in suburbia makes people act illogically. Raskolnikov smiled, all bicuspids intact. The second derivative would always stay positive, just as he would. Wait, is that right …

He hit the blue line this time.

“Remember, kids,” Derek said. “Only Russian pussies deserved to get cold-cocked.”

“I’m not,” Raskolnikov mumbled.

“Excuse me? You disagree with the Boogaard?”

Raskolnikov’s limp body was infused with electricity for a moment as the zombie bent at the waste. A perfect 90º angle with his legs. “I’m not Russian,” he grinned, spitting a tablespoon of blood toward the corner, then wiping his gullet with an Easton glove. “I just enjoy inflicting pain. Especially on myself.” The little padlo had some spunk in him.

“Why you little fucker …” Aaron grunted. He grabbed at the Chief’s head this time, which interrupted a conversation the Blackhawk had with the Discount Tire Company sign.

“Can I return the guy wearing me?” asked the Chief.

“Only tires, sorry. Besides, he’s not worth the rubber in a puck.”

Three more tests to come…

(Assist to ZPS for correcting my bad calculus. I haven’t taken a math class in 2 years.)




  1. The second derivative is -2

    That sucker “opens down”

  2. Thank you, ZPS. Don’t worry, things will continue to be down.

  3. I have faith Rask! All will be good, when there’s a Deadspinoff hockey blog!

  4. Having not taken a math class in 15+ years, I just thought that was a broken html link.

  5. The post was brilliant even with the mathematical errors. Well done, good sir.

  6. Maybe he should challenge Janet Gretzky to 5 card stud as his next task.

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