Profiles In Douchebaggery: Norm Green

Norm GreenIn what I hope will be a long-running series on our humble blog, I submit Melt Your Face-Off‘s first installment of Profiles In Douchebaggery. As a native and life-long resident of the fine state of Minnesota, I can personally attest that there are few figures in this state’s professional sports history more universally hated and reviled than Norm Green, majority owner of the North Stars from 1990-1993.

As many of you already know, Norm Green moved the North Stars to Dallas amid rumors of professional, financial and legal troubles swirling around him. He changed the name of the team to just the Stars (brilliant!) and quickly forgot about Minnesota, leaving a state with an incredible hockey tradition without an NHL team until the Wild’s appearance many years later. He also left many of the state’s fans with a deep-seated mistrust of owners of professional sports franchises, as evidenced by the trouble experienced by the Minnesota Twins organization to secure a new baseball stadium. So, without further ado, my telephone interview with the always controversial Norm Green.

WAS: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Green. I imagine you are a very busy man.

NG: Yes, I am, and we have to make this quick. I am supposed to be at the Humane Society in about an hour to put down some cats. It’s one of my hobbies.

WAS: I see. So, how does it make you feel that you are most likely the most despised person in Minnesota sports history?

NG: Hmmm. Why would I be that? Ouch! You little fucker! (sounds of cats screeching in the background)

WAS: Uhhh…well, you did move the North Stars out of Minnesota and relocated them to Dallas.

NG: No, no, no. You got it all wrong. The people in Minnesota didn’t even want the North Stars anymore. People weren’t even showing up to the games anymore. I would show up at the Met Center about 2:00 a.m. every night and there would be no one there!

WAS: But sir, games aren’t usually scheduled for two o’clock in the morning…

NG: You are a smart ass little fuck aren’t you? People are always complaining about the shit I do and the way I interpret things! There aren’t games at two in the morning, grabbing your assistant’s sweet sweet buttocks isn’t approrpriate, cutting the heads off neighbor’s pets is immoral. I mean it never ends!

WAS: Okay, sir, maybe you should just calm down a bit.

NG: Hey! You’re not the boss of me you insignificant piece of shit! I buy and sell people like you every day!

WAS: I cannot believe a man of your age and wealth could be so immature.

NG: I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

WAS: Very nicely done, sir.

NG: I always loved that one.

WAS: Moving on and getting back on point, what is your opinion of the assertion that you fled Minnesota and moved the North Stars to escape your mounting legal and financial woes in the state, including a sexual harassment lawsuit?

NG: Mr. Speed, you know what it’s like. I mean, she was wearing a skirt for Christ’s sakes! She was asking for it and I was the one who was going to give it to her. Actually, I’ll let you in on a secret: I used to ejaculate in her coffee cup when she was away from her desk.

WAS: Good Lord! You are one despicable human being!

NG: It takes one to know one.

WAS: Another zinger. So what are you doing now?

NG: Well, right now I am bleeding out a cat for my morning tea, but a little while ago I was taking inventory of the bottles of my own urine I save – they steal them, you know how it…

WAS: (interrupting) But I meant professionally.

NG: Oh.

WAS: So are you doing anthing in the business world?

NG: I dabble a little bit here and there. I did recently receive an e-mail from some guy in Nigeria about some money being held somewhere in some account overseas – I only have to give him my bank account number and the money is mine!

WAS: Sir, I wouldn’t do — on second thought, that sounds like a sound business plan. You should do it.

NG: My thoughts exactly. I also run a few sweatshops in Haiti. They make those wwjd bracelets there. I don’t know what they even are, but those little bastards can crank out about fifteen an hour!! Very profitable!! Jerry Jones turned me on to that business venture.

WAS: I think we’re done here. Good day to you, sir. And may you rot in Hell.

NG: Wait!! Did you know that drinking the blood of house pets helps you achieve immortality? I told Mike Modano all about it!

WAS: Now I do. Thanks for the information. Good bye.

Note: According to Scoops’ comment below, I am led to believe that Mr. Green has moved on to “greener pastures”. I suspected he may have died by now but could find no information to confirm this suspicion. I cannot say whether the fact he may be dead makes this post even less tasteful than originally intended. If anyone can confirm that Norm is indeed dead, let me know.

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13 Comments

  1. Is it too soon for a “Jeez, Weed, that’s just wrong” tag?

  2. I can’t wait for the Harold Ballard seance.

  3. Bill Wirtz was not the first installment?

    Dollar Bill can’t even screw up the right way…

  4. Fortunately, professional sports provides no shortage of douchebags.

  5. How did you avoid calling him Norm Greed even once?

  6. I’d like to nominate the guy who considered kicking Cam Neely’s dog.

  7. I’ll wait for the Jeremy Jacobs post… man has he ruined the Bruins organization. Actually I’m almost tempted to write it right now, the hatred of his attempt to turn a profit rather than win a cup.

    Claude Lemieux is also a perfectly fine candidate as well

  8. I can’t believe you got him to admit to his Humane Society addiction (he was notorious for that here in Minnesota)…

    Norm is being interviewed tonight on Kare11 (in the Twin Cities)…should be pretty interesting. I hope he has ALS or something…

  9. Richfield Rocket – see post regarding interview on first page of this site. And be sure to come back tomorrow for my reaction post.

  10. That was a very dispicable fake interview you have on Norm Green. why did you not say that to his face..you would not ofcourse cause you are a coward..

    I have know NOrm Green for 50 years maybe longer. he worked for his money he did not inherit it..if you owned his hockey club the North Stars, and you were losing money every day as the fans were not coming to the banks and you were losing YOUR money, what the fuck would you do.. you puts your money on the line and you do what is best to not lose it all… do you understand Putz. Kenny colman

  11. Why does everyone in Minnesota feel so bad they didn’t properly support their hockey club in the first place? Proper support means buying tickets in the losing seasons as well as the winning seasons. Their venue was old, didn’t have the suites that are so important today for club finances. When the club moved to Dallas there was only one sheet of ice in the Dallas metroplex. Now there are several, many built by the club to generate general hockey interests. There are more minor league hockey teams in Texas than any other state. Yes, sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere.

  12. I never would’ve gotten the notion to look at things like this. This will make my life a bunch easier.

  13. […] meltyourfaceoff.wordpress.com […]


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