The Search for More Contributors: Canadiens

It turns out that, contrary to popular belief, there are in fact, more than 10 hockey fans. Thanks to an early announcement, we have been flooded by requests to join the MYFO ranks to represent their team. This all makes for great theatre and quality posts that involve little or no work, so Raskolnikov can stop punishing himself now, but I think he kind of likes it. All this week we here at MYFO will be bringing to you the best applications we have received, so let us know what you think: do these guys suck, should we keep them around for good, do you want to see more before making a decision, or do you think you can do better? If you want to give this thing a whirl, email me at

Today: The Ordinary Seaman – Montreal Canadiens

Why My Team is Better Than Yours: Montreal Canadiens

Friends, enemies, and stupeed English square heads, I welcome you. Let’s start with what we all know.

We’ve got more rings than fingers and toes. Gentleman Jean Beliveau sits in the rink and makes your old timers look like ass-grabbing uncles who pop their false teeth out to get strangers to buy them a beer. Yes, we have history coming out of our derrières, but you already know that.

You know we could clothe a thousand needy families with our Stanley Cup banners, feed an African nation for a year with our melted down Stanley Cup rings. We could choke out a gigantic hooker with our big-cock “most successful hockey franchise ever” attitude. And you bastards with your never-won-a-cup franchises or havne’t-won-one-in-40-years records feel that every time we come into your arena.

You hate us, don’t you? Well, we don’t give a shit.

We’re Les Glorieux, The Habs, Les Canadiens. We’re the best there ever was, and this year we’re going to put the league on notice that we are the best yet to come. The franchise with history and tradition on its side is in the middle of youthful rebirth. We’re better than you because we’re young, strong, and full off…. talent. (Thought you knew where I was going there, huh? Habs fans don’t do childish rhymes. Another reason why we’re better than you, dick prick.)

Let me offer just a sampling of what you’re about to see more of, and why this will render your team more incontinent than Johnny Bower.

Markov — Remember last year when he punched Darcy “Angry Smurf” Tucker in the mouth and sent him flying on his ass? I can’t promise you’ll see that exact event again this year. But I can promise that Markov is going to make a beautiful first pass to start the rush, never get beat for highlight reel goals (I love you Shelly, but that shit was tough to handle), and otherwise deliver on his promise of becoming one of the top defenseman in the league.

Higgins — Does anyone remember what this kid did before getting injured last season? Do you remember how he made other players look like assholes – slow, incompetent, inbred assholes?! Everyone up here in Stripperheaven, Quebec does. If he stays healthy this year, Higgins is going to earn the right to yell at Kovalev on the bench and tell him to move his “enigmatic” Russian ass. Higgins is for real.

Carbo – God, what a prick. What a fantastic prick we have behind the bench. Not working? Take the press box. Not scoring? You’re benched. Other people besides you not doing either of those things? I’ll bench you anyway. Bench, press box, bench. You don’t think this is his team? You’re fucking dead. Honestly, I think there’s a 25 percent chance that Carbo kills an underperformer this year. I hated him sitting Rivet, but now nobody is gonna fuck with him. It’s his team. That means we turn into a bunch of nasty, fore-checking, grope-your-mother, protect our end dirt bags. You think Maxim Lapierre was a douche last year against the other teams’ stars? He’s going to butt-end Sydney Crosby’s mom this year. And Carbo’s going to buy him dinner afterwards. Behold, the era of the prick is upon us!

Nets – Which one do I choose? Huet? Halak? Price? Oh it’s just too fucking hard. Two legit starters and the best goaltending prospect to hit the league in years. Remember when Price stopped that shootout attempt by the US in the World Juniors? It was in his pads, but he was slipping back towards the goal line. So he just stopped, rotated his pads away from the line, and spat the puck out. He’s going to do that to Jaromir Jagr and two days later Jagr’s mullet is going to fall out. You’ve been warned. Did I not mention that he then went on to lead our AHL team to a Calder Cup? Also, anyone notice that the LEAVES (I’m a stickler for grammar) had to trade for another number one goaltender because the one they gave up the farm for last year shit the bed? No, you can’t have one of ours. And get that greasy shit out of your hair, John Ferguson Jr. (RIP John Ferguson Sr.)

More Youngness For That Ass – Ryder, Komisarek, Pleaknec, Perezhogin…young, young, young etc. And there are others. We have a crew of badass young guys who are getting ready to take over this team. We have scorers, shut down men, defense, flashy playmakers, solid two-way forwards…gentleman, we have the makings of a bleu-blanc-rouge shitstorm.

Saku – Words must be written about him delivering one of the most courageous comebacks ever last season. This is still Saku’s team, and nobody has a problem with that. The money’s he’s getting is now pretty small potatoes, and he’s still a leader and an instigator. He sets the standard for effort every single night. With Shelly and Rivet gone – two other dressing room leaders – one of the younger guys will step up and lead with Saku. This is a good thing.
In Bob We Trust – I’ll put this very simply for all of you out there. 1 He got rid of Samsonov and saved us about a million in cap room. 2 He signed Markov for an absolute steal of a contract. 3 He replaced Johnson and Bonk with similar guys who will score more and cost less. 4 He resigned all of the key young UFAs on the team. So Ryder went to arbitration. Big fucking deal. We have the money to pay him because of 1, 2 and 3. And we have money to make moves during the season. One of those goaltenders will make some other team very happy. Gainey has chips and he knows how to play them. Did we want Briere? Of course we did. But what’s clear is that we’ll get a star like that from a trade, not a FA signing (thank you Quebec taxes and asshole media). Gainey is saving us cap room and locking up attractive talent. The man will make a move, and you can bet he won’t give away the farm to land more scoring. In Bob We Trust.

To Answer Your Question – Yeah, yeah, we lost Souray. Yes: big shot, great power play presence. We won games on the power play last year. I know. Shelly is by all accounts a great guy. We’ll miss him. But he’s not worth the money he got. The shot will still be there, but so will the slow legs, the lost coverage. He comes with one great asset (okay, two if you include the hair), and some big liabilities. We just couldn’t pay that kind of money for that kind of player. I wish him well in Edmonton, and the same goes for Rivet in San Jose. We liked these guys when we had ‘em, but time marches on. The kids, mes amis, are alright. In fact, they alone are better than your team.


  1. Where’s the part about les habitants biting it against the leafs last game of the season. And who, may I ask, is badass on that roster? The habs are the equivalent of a french speaking WNBA team.

  2. Brilliant! Perfect combination of delusion and arrogance. Crank it up a bit more, and you could spot KC on the Leafs posts.

    I move he stays.

  3. Sounds much better if you imagine it read by the French Taunter.

    “Your mother was a puckbunny, and your father smelt of goalie pads!”

    I say keep him, but only if he agrees that Maxime LaPierre is a punk, and that Ray Emery did the NHL a favor by slashing him.

  4. I visited Montreal and the “Centre Bell” last February.

    Yes, every Habs fan is exactly like this. I move he stays too.

  5. a team that is as greasy as it’s fans.

    can’t wait to watch kovalev mail it in for another year, what a waste of talent.

    only one thing to say about higgins; chronic backhand toe drag.

  6. plekanec’s perma-turtle neck single handedly makes it impossible to be badass

  7. (for montreal) to be badass, that is

  8. Astute, sophisticated and obscene. Just like Montreal. Gotta stay.

  9. He called Montreal Stripperheaven. That’s good enough for the Four Habs Fans, even though we think the Habs suck. He stays.


  10. First let me say that I really like this site and I want my habs represented properly here. As for The Ordinary Seaman; I love the analogies, very clever. Great writing style as well, but as for acutual hockey analysis its a little week. Perezhogan are you serious? You talk about youth but don’t mention the 19 year old on our team as one of our bright spots. Moreover you said Bobs offseason will “replaced Johnson and Bonk with similar guys who will score more and cost less. In bonks case, scoring, yes. But In johnson’s case scoring, no and don’t forget souray for hammer. Overall this is a good blog but since I really like this site and I only expect the best for my habs this blogger will not do them justice because of his lack of analytical skills… I expect the only greatness from the Habs and I have the same expectation level for those who write about them (i.e Red Fish, HIO, EOTP, HW, RDS crew, Eric Engles on HB, etc….) this blogger reminds me of (I’m sorry the ordinary seaman you do not deserve this but, ) jack todd….
    PS I cannot write a better blog than you but unfourtantly I can write a good critical anyalsis please do not take my comments to heart it is just one opinion that happens to be mine.

  11. Stever – hahaha Jack Todd. If no one else gets it, I do. Good one.

    But you’re missing the point – MYFO is not about analysis. You want analysis, you’ve got all the writers listed. Or go read Bertrand Raymond. This site is about ATTITUDE. TOS has it in spades.

  12. agreed, I guess I was being a little hasty…

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