In lieu of actual press passes, the MYFO writing staff often takes alternative methods to acquire insider access from the front offices of the National Hockey League. The following e-mail was pilfered off the computer screen of Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli late last night by a janitor we were able to turn. He was compensated in cash, further plunging us into debt. Sorry about that, guys.
From: Chiarelli, Peter
To: Ainge, Danny; Epstein, Theo; Belichick, Bill
My dearest colleagues,
You owe me a new Blackberry.
You see, I was on the 13th green at Hingham yesterday when the damn thing started buzzing relentlessly. Normally, I’d dismiss it, figuring that it was just Marco Sturm bitching about his contract, but my caddy insisted that I take a look. So I did, and then I promptly skipped the thing into the water. Thanks for the warning, gents.
Danny, as your roommate at the Garden, I’m happy to see that you were able to resurrect your team by trading for Kevin Garnett. I read in the Globe this morning that you are being hailed as the savior to the franchise. And don’t get me wrong; I look forward to seeing KG attend his obligatory new-athlete-in-town Bruins game come October. (Hey, if he could stomach the MLS, he can watch us in action.) But, come on! It’s not like you had to work that hard for this. You got him from Kevin McHale, a Beantown legend! He’ll always be remembered for his time here on the parquet, not for his idiocy in Minnesota! Were the papers signed before or after you gave him a tender shoulder massage?? Look, I’m just not capable of pulling off a trade for one of the best 5 players in the league, okay? So I reserve my congratulations until you find a way to convince the the Penguins to hire Cam Neely as GM.
(P.S. McHale probably wasn’t even sober when he pulled the trigger – I have sources that put him at the Staal bachelor party as late as last week.)
Theo, my man! I was at the game the other night and sat right over the bullpen. Quite a closer you’ve got in Papelbon. And Okajima’s a hell of a set up guy. Even this Delcarmen guy has come around for you. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to run your team (*cough* ortizishurt *cough*), but I’d say you’re set in the ‘pen. So how did you spend your morning while I was still on the front nine? By trading for the premier closer on the market, Eric Gagne. Where the hell are you going to pitch him? The fifth inning? I should be trading for guys named Eric Gagne, not you! Hell, at this point, I’m scouting Dave Gagner to see if he has any jump left. But hey, it’s not about me, and it’s not about our friendship. It’s about giving Bill Simmons more reasons to pine over you. I get that.
Belichick, it still astounds me that your can be both the head coach and General Manager at the same time. And while you did nothing but hold training camp for a week, it’s still the biggest news in the papers. Can’t you say something in your camp notes like, “Randy Moss has some wingspan, alright, but he’s no Zdeno Chara.” I’d be much obliged.
All in all, I’ll admit it hasn’t been a breaking news sort of summer for the Boston Bruins. I accidentally traded for Peter Schaefer, thinking he was the guy who wrote the screenplay for Amadeus. (I love that flick.) I re-signed Dennis Wideman because he fetched me a coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and I didn’t have any cash to tip him. And the only real news that my own PR department can come up with for our website is that we have a MIA defenseman wandering around Africa. All I’m saying, fellas, that had I known you were going to pull this Boston Sports Day stunt yesterday, I could have had something ready. Like hiring Craig Ramsey, which I will do in the morning! Catch the excitement!
Oh, and don’t buy my new Blackberry from Jim Balsillie. He’ll try and move your team to Canada.