Obligatory Shark Week Tie-In Post

We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Blog.Everyone pays attention to the Discovery Channel once a year for one reason only: Shark Week. Yeah, you might accidentally stumble upon MythBusters during some lazy weekend channel surfing, but you probably won’t bring it up at work on Monday. In truth, Shark Week is just 5 days of programming where the writing staff takes vacation while the one guy with the Jaws I-IV posters in his office goes absolutely ballisitic and gets approval to throw a bunch of expensive camcorders in the water with interns.

Now, the other sports have done their best to make Shark Week a relevant talking point. Our successful older brother has likened the ‘Fins O-Line to these underwater menaces, Weekday Daddy has Agent Zero doing his best Carlos Mencia impression, and I hear someone’s spilled chum into McCovey Cove for Bonds’ return to San Fran on Monday. Now, as the new voice of the NHL, we realize we’re the only league with a team named the Sharks, so this is our opportunity to provide our loyal readers with some insightful West Coast hockey coverage.

Punchlines to all jokes will be on a 3 hour delay.

After the jump, The Top Ten Eight Greatest Moments in San Jose Sharks History.

The Eight Moments in San Jose Sharks History

  1. sharks-logo.jpgDown Goes Bowman! (1994) – In only the Sharks’ third season, they had a new arena, a new coach, and new post-season plans: the playoffs. As an 8 seed, most expected a quick dispatching at the hands of the Detroit Red Wings. Instead, 27 goals in the seven game series propelled San Jose to the second round. While they would be edged out by the Leafs, the real story is that the Detroit reloaded with Russians. Lots and lots of Russians.
  2. Legends of EA Sports (1994) – An expansion team with a couple of seasons under their belts, the Sharks could now be used by their fans in the wildly popular NHL ’94 for Super Nintendo and Sega. Of course, because EA did not wish to burn bridges with the young franchise, they made ordinary skaters like Todd Elik, Sergei Makarov, and Johan Garpenlov way better than in reality. Oh, and for some reason, Arturs Irbe was made to be the second coming of Jacques Plante. No matter, the old backhand-to-forehand-across-the-crease-wrister works on all goalies. Ha.
  3. Owen Nolan Calls His Shot (1997) – As seen in this YouTube video, Sharks forward Owen Nolan wowed his hometown crowd in the waning moments of the ’97 All-Star Game by netting a hat trick. After Mark Messier overskated the puck, Nolan swooped in, pointed to the upper right corner of the twine, and beat Dominik Hasek with a sick wrist shot. He did all of this, despite being forced to wear a purple sweater by the league. Of course, it should be noted that this game was televised on Fox in the heyday of the Glow Puck. Therefore, I can understand why Hasek chose not to block a shot he knew was coming. I wouldn’t get in front of anything that has a tail of blue fire, either. Blue fire, people.
  4. Raking in the Hardware (1997) – Tony Granato is awarded the Masterton Trophy, for his “qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey.” In reality, it’s just because he’s been a good sport about his kid sister being way better than him.
  5. The Goooaaalieeee!!! (2002) – Like a cut scene from The Mighty Ducks 2, sophomore netminder Evgeni Nabokov scores a goal on the power play, become the first European goalie to light the lamp in the NHL. Of course, if your goalie is now a scoring threat, every play is a power play.
  6. East Coast Fanbase (2003) – In order to introduce my girlfriend to the excitement that is live hockey, I sprung for 10th row seats for an early season matchup between the Washington Capitals and the Sharks at the then-MCI Center. It was a good game, great seats, and I believe the Caps actually pulled out a 4-3 W. A few months later, I started receiving e-mails from the good folks at Ticketmaster for every Sharks home game on the schedule. (The Caps, on the other hand, don’t send me jack.) For the record, I live approximately 2,853 miles from the Tank. I still receive these e-mails to this day.
  7. We Got Who? For What? (2005) – Early on in the 05-06 campaign, the Sharks became the fortunate victors in the Joe Thornton sweepstakes, netting their first Hart Trophy winner for Brad Stuart, Marco Sturm, and Wayne Primeau, a poor man’s Keith Primeau. His leadership was rarely questioned in San Jose, and he propelled Jonathan Cheechoo to the top of fantasy hockey leaderboards. (I’d add more, but I’ve apparently already ruined a few Bostonian lives this week.)
  8. A Commitment to Teal (2007) – The Sharks entered the pro sports landscape in the early nineties, making them 68% more likely to adopt a team color scheme that involved the color teal. (See Marlins, Florida and Hornets, Charlotte for additional reading.) As the years have gone by, the bright hues of green-blue have slowly morphed on Sharks merchandise to a more muted blue-green. However, unlike some other teal-tinged teams that have jumped ship (Quack.), the Sharks took this off-season to show that no first-round playoff exit would deter them from donning shades of turquoise. Above is the new Sharks logo. In an act of solidarity it appears they dumped a can of teal paint on the shark’s head. Damn, is he going to be angry about that.
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6 Comments

  1. And orange, don’t forget their commitment to orange. You can’t rhyme anything with orange.

  2. Back to HTML School, Hextall.

  3. Ticketmaster knows you weren’t really buying Caps tickets. No one really wants to buy Caps tickets.

  4. Me fail HTML? That’s unpossible!

    Ok, should be fixed.

  5. Accidentally stumble upon MythBusters?

    Yeah, to check out Kari Byron.

  6. Y’all know me. Know how I don’t earn a livin’. I’ll write about this bird for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down to the pond, beating the blues or tommy hawk. This shark, swallow you whole. No shakin’, no tenderizin’, down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your fans, put all your businesses on a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll watch ’em for three, but I’ll follow ’em, and write about ’em for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want the league to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on versus the whole winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.


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