Sidney! Sign my tits!It has been one hundred and nineteen days since I last saw a professional hockey game. That’s four months. June 6. In that time, I have been through seven jury trials, twelve depositions, two mediations, and dozens of calls from clients pissed off I bill them .1 hours for a 5 minute phone call. Of course, it pissed them off more when I billed them for the phone call about billing them for a phone call.

….oh, shit. I think I just opened a wormhole. Where was I? Oh!

Four. Fucking. Months. No, I didn’t watch the two games in England. I couldn’t wrap enough tin foil around my TV Antenna to get the coverage. But tonight? Hockey, mother fuckers!!

After the jump, join me in previewing tonight’s games, at least two of which will be available to people without the Hubble Space Station in their backyard.

7:00 PM – Canadiens at Hurricanes

The Hurricanes, reunited with their center Matt Cullen, try to start off their sophomore rebound season after their Cup Win in June of 06. Cullen was pisspoor on the Rangers last season, but, then again, everyone on the Rangers last year were pisspoor.

The Canadiens have Cristobal Huet coming back from his hamstring injury to try to lead the team to the Playoffs, which they missed in no small part to the fact that Huet has been less mobile since February than the 87 Ford Escort I drove in high school.

Both of these teams missed the playoffs last year, and they’re pissed about it.

Prediction: Canadiens 2-1. Eric Staal, however, will score the lone Hurricane goal, and proceed to celebrate by getting shitfaced on ice and start taking off his clothes.

7:00 PM – Ducks at Red Wings

The Ducks continue their version of the fucking Bataan Death March by going from London to Detroit. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bettman had them staying in fucking Ontario and bussed them in for the game 10 minutes prior to the puck dropping. If the Ducks can pull off a victory here, I’ll have a new (second) favorite team.

Prediction: Red Wings 4-1.

7:30 PM – Senators at Maple Leafs

The Battle of Ontario reconvenes as the Senators try to recover from their being gutted by the Ducks in the Finals. When Ottawa won in this series last season, they did it convincingly. Scores of 6-2, 7-2, and 5-1 dotted the season. The problem for the Sens here is that Emery is still out recovering from his wrist surgery. The Leafs will try to capitalize on Martin Gerber by throwing everything they’ve got at him. Unfortunately, the Leafs have a team full of new free agents, and “everything they’ve got” isn’t much.

Prediction: Senators 2-1.

9:30 PM – Stars at Avalanche

The `Lanche take their Free Agent duo of Smyth and Hannan against Marty Turco. Dallas swept this series last year, but the Avalanche look like they’re loading up for one last Cup run before Sakic hangs up his skates.

Prediction: Stars 3-1. Highpowered free agents or no, Peter Budaj is no Patrick Roy.

Enjoy the games tonight, gang. Feel free to use the comments here to talk shit on behalf of your respective teams.



  1. Eric Staal? I figured Mike Commodore would be more likely to go for the Ned Braden strip show.

  2. I love the expression on (what I think is, anyway) Crosby’s face. He’s all, like, “hehe, boobies…”

  3. The Leafs iced a virtually identical team to last season. One free agent pick up: Jason Blake.

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