John Buccigross' Eastern Conference Preview

BuccigrossSo this John Buccigross character gets to write really rambly columns previewing the NHL season by vaguely comparing every team in the league to a really lame song, and he gets to write for ESPN?? Shit, I can do that. How hard is it? Move over, you intimidating Pop Culture Wizard (the actual name of his D&D character), I’ll show you how an Eastern Conference Preview is done:

1. Ottawa Senators
See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through

– “The Best of What’s Around” by Dave Matthews Band

No matter how many setbacks the Sens face, they always seem to pull on through. Which, if you’ll notice, is kind of what the song is about.

2. New York Rangers
Woo-hoo! Take a look at this!
Hey man, that suit is you!
Whoo-whee! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure!
Tell us how you doooooooo! Hoo hoo hoo!

– “Unchained” by Van Halen

The Rangers should be off their chain of lacking scoring depth, which will definitely translate into them getting some leg a bunch of nights this season.

3. Carolina Hurricanes
Elephants and acrobats, lions snakes monkey
Pele speaks “righteous,” Sister Zina says “funky”
How bizarre
How bizarre, how bizarre

– “How Bizarre” by OMC

Bizarre year for the ‘Canes last season; not only did they fall from Cup Champs to missing the playoffs, but people named Pele and Sister Zina were somehow involved.

4. Buffalo Sabres
Tell me all your thoughts on God
Cause I’m on my way to see her
So tell me am I very faaar…
Am I very far now?

– “Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God” by Dishwalla

After losing Drury and Briere to free agency, the Sabres would still like to know about God, but they’re still very far now. Also, they believe God is a ‘she’.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins
All night
She wants the young [North] American
Young [North] American, young [North] American, she wants the young [North] American
All right
She wants the young [North] American

– “Young Americans” by David Bowie

The Penguins are loaded with young North Americans, and she really wants them, and by ‘she’ I mean the Stanley Cup, and it’s the other way around.

6. New Jersey Devils
Boxing’s been good to me, Howard
But now I’m told
You’re growing old
The whole time we knew
In a couple of years I’d be through
Has boxing been good to you?

– “Boxing” by Ben Folds Five

Boxing has not, in fact, been good to the Devils, who lost multiple key free agents this offseason, but expect them to box back and not be through, Howard.

7. Toronto Maple Leafs
She lies and says she’s in love with him
Can’t find a better man…
She dreams in color, she dreams in red
Can’t find a better man…

– “Better Man” by Pearl Jam

Remember Pearl Jam?? I do. Seventh place.

8. Tampa Bay Lightning
You’ve been thunderstruck, thunderstruck
Thunderstruck, thunderstruck, thunderstruck
You’ve been thunderstruck

– “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC

Thunder is what comes after lightning, which is the name of this team. Vinny Lecavalier is coming off a really good year.

9. Philadelphia Flyers
The spotlight is on us now
Watch us do this
Da da, daaa da da, da da da da da da

– “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men

The spotlight is clearly on the reloaded Flyers, but healthy seasons out of Briere and Timmonen should mean plenty of Da da, daaa da da, da da da da da da (wins).

10. Montreal Canadiens
Oh put me in Coach
I’m ready to play
Today
Look at me
I can be
Centerfield

– “Centerfield” by John Fogerty

After a turbulent ’06-’07, this team is definitely ready to play today; the only problem is, they believe they are playing center field, so they’ll have to go ask a different coach if they can play a hockey position and by then it might be too late.

11. Washington Capitals
Washington, Washington
Six foot eight weighs a fucking ton
Opponents beware, opponents beware
He’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming

– “Washington” by Cox and Combes

I’m implying that everything in this song actually is in reference to Alex Ovechkin, who is a talented hockey player.

12. Florida Panthers
You rub your ass against me
On the disco floor
I asked you for your number
And you said hell nooooo

– “She Won’t Let Me Fuck” by Afroman

This team has wanted to fuck for a couple years, but she – in this case, being an across-the-board lack of talent – just will not allow them to bust that successful nut.

13. Boston Bruins
Can we keep the skies in the night of the sun
For dusk and dawn til we’ve fought and won
Will we find fault in the light of nowhere
Or will it fade
Forever

– Some shitty song by Guster or something

Who gives a shit?

14. Atlanta Thrashers
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells!
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells!
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells!

– “Bulls on Parade” by Rage Against the Machine

Dah-na dah dah-na dah dah-dan dah-na can’t play defense dah dah-na…

15. New York Islanders
You gotta li li li lick me from my ass to my clit
Then you gotta su-suck the pussy while I sit on your dick
And I wanna talk some shit while I feel it get stiff
And then ruba-dub on my tits while I nut on your lips nigga

– “What’s Your Fantasy (Remix)” by Ludacris feat. Trina, Shawna, and Foxy Brown

This team’s fucked.

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6 Comments

  1. Your Maple Leafs analysis was straightforward and on point. Kudos!

    However, Guster rocks so -2 for that one.

  2. “Shit, I can do that. How hard is it? “

    Evidently it’s harder than it looked.

  3. I’ll back up Vulc on the Guster. Good stuff.

    As for the Flyers, we’re glad you went with Boyz II Men over the Fresh Prince. I just can’t take another season where my team gets all turned flipped upside down.

  4. 10th for the Habs — that’s cold shit, man. Couldn’t you favor us with a Celine Dion tune like My Heart Will Go On i.e. Koivu? And didn’t year hear that Brisebois’ groin has ended its strike? He’s gonna lead us to the Cup, balls first. Otherwise, yes to everything except no to the Leaves.

  5. Dave Mathews eh? Good choice, and very apt. There will be much anger, angst and alcohol if we don’t somehow make if to the Final.

    And for the record, I have never had a woman tell me You gotta li li li lick me from my ass to my clit. I gotta get out more. Or be less married.

  6. interestingly enough, i hear that’s how the florida panthers are off the ice as well!


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