With only six teams (Avalanche, Devils, Capitals, Hurricanes, Maple Leafs, Sabres – seriously, what a bunch of slackin’ asses) not playing tonight, we have a shitload of games to get through this morning. So without further adieu, here we go.
By the way, these recaps are in somewhat of a chronological order so if the they seem to get less amusing as you near the end of the post (if they were funny at all in the first place), I am going to blame it on myself choosing to imbibe only the finest vodka this Wednesday evening. It’s a cop-out, I know, but I’m the one writing this, not you…
King of New York: In keeping with the plot of the movie, I guess that means the Islanders are the Christopher Walken to the Rangers…David Caruso?? I don’t even know – I’ve never seen the movie. Anyway, the Islanders top the Rangers 2-1. Brian Berard gets the game winner for the Islanders.
The Senators despise the way the Thrashers pose themselves…them and their whole fucking family: This time, the Senators weren’t found with a dead hooker lying beside them in the whorehouse (metaphorically, that is). Ottawa scored two unanswered goals by Antoine Vermette and Joesph Corvo in the 3rd to beat the Atlanta 3-1.
I had to consult my Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual on this one: Something called Jason Chimera had a goal and two assists, leading the Columbus Blue Jackets to a 3-0 victory over the Phoenix Coyotes. A creature I’m not familiar with named Pascal Leclaire had 32 saves for the shutout – it must be in one of the newer versions of the Manual.
Sidney Crosby once again blows it for Pittsburgh: The Chosen One decided not to show up for this game, registering only one point on an assist in the Penguins 3-2 loss to the Canadiens. Hey, even Jesus had his off days. Tomas Plekanec, Alex Kovalev and Andrei Markov chipped in a goal apiece for the Habs.
One day, Gary Bettman (or possibly a cyborg version of him) will award an NHL franchise to Earth’s first underwater city: In the “Battle of the Cock of North America”, known more commonly to most folks as Florida, the Lightning edge the Panthers 2-1. Chris Gatton had two goals for the Lightning.
I know it’s a postseason ritual, but apparently PETA don’t give two shits about octopi: I have never heard the PETA organization ever raise a ruckus about the poor octopus that gets thrown on the ice during Red Wings playoff games – I suppose Cephelopods aren’t considered “cute”. Either way, Detroit limited Calgary to a paltry 19 shots on goal in a 4-2 victory over the Flames.
Man, it’s sweet when your team wins when you are doing Morning Puck. The Wild rule – I should leave it at that but I won’t. Niklas Backstrom stopped all 21 shots he faced for his second shutout in three games as the Wild topped the Oilers 2-0. Pavol Demitra and NHL Beefcake Brent Burns had goals for the Wild. Demitra also had an assist while Marian Gaborik added two assists for my home squad.
Bill Wirtz haunts the Blackhawks from the grave: Chicago had it’s one game winning streak snapped with a 2-1 loss to the San Jose. In a rare bit of comfort to fans of the Blackhawks, rookie phenom Jonathan Toews scored his first NHL goal on his first shot – not too shabby.
Towel Guy will sleep happily tonight: According to LeNoceur in his preview of tonight’s games, Blues fans always enjoy the antics of the aforementioned Towel Guy. Everyone in St. Louis is enjoying themselves tonight as the Blues blew out the Predators 4-1. St. Louis was up 4-0 before Nashville even knew what hit them. Brad Boyes had two goals in the second period to lead the way.
A guy with the last name Hagman plays for the Dallas Stars – no shit?: For those of you too young to remember the nighttime soap Dallas, Larry Hagman was J.R. Ewing, who was an integral character on the… (yawn) – I’m already bored with explaining it. Anyway, Marty Turco was sharp in net and Niklas Hagman had the first two goals of the game to lead the Stars to a dominant 5-1 victory over the L.A. Kings.
Ducks raise their Stanley Cup banner, win the game, yadda yadda yadda: Fuck, this shit is getting late. Anaheim beat Boston 2-1 on goals by Ryan Getzlaf and Francois Beauchemin. Whoop-dee-doo.
Jesus, that’s a lot of points: The Flyers and Canucks combine for 9 goals in Philadelphia’s 7-2 complete annihilation of Vancouver. You know what? Look this one up for yourselves – I’m done. Good night. Peace and hair grease.