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As a Flyers fan, you have to be happy with how this season has started. Your team just went 2-1 on your only major Western road trip of the entire season. On said road trip, the offense scored 14 goals. Hell, Mike Richards already has 2 goals! Do you know how long it took him to get 2 goals last year? That’s right, January 30th. Your third defensive pairing of Kukkonen and Jones are +5! And for once, there isn’t a goalie controversy in this town – Biron is playing like a starter. That’s right, Philly – when you go to the home opener tomorrow night, you’ll be cheering for a winning hockey team.
And yet, the national story out of Philly concerns the goonery of Steve Downie and Jesse Boulerice, who are suspended for a combined 50 games. That’s two more games than what the reigning Stanley Cup champs won last year. Here’s the thing – the national media is going to focus in on these two chuckleheads, guys likely to see about 3 minutes of ice time combined in a standard game, while the Flyers turn the corner on an impressive first half. And since Ben Eager thinks he’s a scorer now, we’ve got nobody to do the enforcin’.
After reviewing hockey’s history of situations where two tough guys get sent to the box and a third option is needed, I have the perfect press release to solve this dilemma.
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — In response to the suspensions handed down by the NHL to forwards Steve Downie and Jesse Boulerice, the Flyers have signed wing Ken Wu to a one-year contract. Terms were not disclosed. The signing comes as a surprise to many, as Wu has not played at a professional level, well, ever, and the majority of his experience came in the Junior Goodwill Games over a decade ago as apart of Team USA. Wu also spent some time with the junior club of Eden Hall Academy in Minnesota.
“We needed someone to stand up to the tough guys around the league, and Wu has a track record of doing just that. His intensity on the ice comes unparalleled, assuming he doesn’t do one of those gay triple toe loops anytime soon,” said Flyers General Manager Paul Holmgren.
Wu adds to the the international feel of the Flyers’ locker room, which up until this point was limited to Americans, Canadians, and Finns. He will likely skate on a line with left wing Ben Eager and center R.J. Umberger, and keep Daniel Briere company when the rest of the team goes to the amusement park and wants to ride the roller coasters.
However, this reporter feels that the Flyers should have done their scouting a little more carefully on Wu. With Downie and Boulerice, these actions by the league are not unprecedented for either player. Both players had been suspended in juniors, and some things just don’t change. Our records show that immediately after scoring a goal against Team Iceland, Wu approached the defeated goalie and engaged himin a fight. Fortunately, the Junior Goodwill Games didn’t have instigator penalties at the time, and he was awarded merely a two-minute roughing minor.
As one final provision to the deal, Wu insists on wearing the #16 jersey, the number he donned all through his playing career. Currently, the #16 is retired, in honor of Bobby Clarke. To accomodate Wu’s request and punish Clarkie’s front office work from the past few seasons, the Flyers will un-retire the 16 prior to their home opener with the Islanders Saturday night.
Not to be outdone, the Rangers announced a 6-year, 53 million dollar deal with Latino winger Luis Mendoza.
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Melt Your Face-Off 
Ken Wu? Are this pace the Flyers are going to have to hire John Woo to teach their boys to be a little less violent.
Are = at. I can’t read or write.
We need a “Bad MS Paint” tag for these posts.
hey, this is at lease Mediocre MS Paint.
No?
Fine, damn it. Your wish is granted.