Making Puck: Sir Philip and His Magic Testes

Five-on-five hockey is so overrated. All four goals in this 3-1 win for the Rangers over Washington came on the powerplay. And, ooh, let’s have a fucking parade — Gomez sored his first goal as a Ranger! Whoppee! Hextall’s mom still hates his ass.

Robert Lang returns to Detroit, gathers two points, the winning goal, and the balding scalp of Hasek. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews both get assists. Me thinks the ‘Hawks could get on a lot of people’s nerves this year by beating so-called elite teams.

St. Louis cracks it open in the third and beats Colorado 4-1. Two goals for…Dan Hinote? Young Stasny set things right by getting the Avs goal. But the Hinote Express would not be denied. You’re on notice, NHL.

Flames Win! Flames Win! Get those titties to the Red Mile, ladies, and let’s start the Cup run. Well, it did take overtime, but at least Iginla and his man-crush Craig Conroy combined with Tanguay on one of the goals. Flames beat Dallas 3-2. Boys, you just saved yourselves a major ass whuppin’ at the hands of Keenan.

Not only did Vancouver’s offense come alive, even Luongo earned an assist. Yeah, it was that kind of night when Vancouver beat Edmonton 5-2. Naslund woke up and netted two goals, but Souray’s sexy hair gel slapcannon also came alive. He got a goal. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of vaginas weeping all over Montreal. The ladies miss Sheldon. You can see it in their bloodshot, hungry eyes.

And, finally, the game that saved the night for my pool team. Holy goal explosion: two in the first, five in the second, and seven in the third. Bruins beat the Kings 8-6. Sir Philip Kessel and his magic testes get a hat trick and move me up into second place in my pool. Suck it, Robbie!