AOL, Capitals to Play Shorthanded

This’ll hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.

The big news here in the D.C. Area over the last two days concerns the reduction in force to one of the region’s behemoth employers, AOL.  All in all, the company that brought you Instant Messaging and romantic comedies starring Tom Hanks has pledged to cut their workforce by 20%.  That’s 1 out of 5, people.  For every time Fulton Reed can hit the net, somebody’s getting canned.  So for many of my Northern Virginia neighbors, likely 750 of them, things don’t look so good.

Don’t worry kids, Uncle Ted Leonsis’ job is safe.  As it was reported last month, many of the executive and corporate positions are merely being re-located to New York City.  The Caps’ owner, now the Vice Chairman Emeritus, understands the importance of the re-organization, as it will allow AOL to continue in the market and not buckle like a belt (See Thrashers, Atlanta for more on that strategy.)  As a show of good faith to the people of D.C. who will soon not have a job at which to read MYFO, Leonsis has decided to run his business with an identical directive.

Come Monday, 20% of the Washington Capitals will be fired. 

But who?  MYFO has obtained a copy of the press release after the jump.

To all the members of the Washington Capitals organization:

In a measure that echoes the recent RIF protocol at the company with which I made the money to buy this glorious franchise, we have decided to reduce our playing roster and coaching staff by twenty per cent.  I know this comes as a shock to many, and sacrifices will have to be made.  Many of you remaining will have to take double shifts during the penalty kill, and we thank you in advance for your hard work.  However, there will be some positives that come from this restructuring.  First, the bench will be way roomier.  Feel free to stretch your legs and not absorb your teammates’ sweat between shifts.  Also, 5 new jersey numbers will become available.  If one of those numbers happens to be your favorite number, feel free to request a jersey number change.  And hey, we’re going to be WAY under the cap.  Cool, huh?

Rather than waste your time with endless corporate rhetoric, the following players have been laid off. 

Donald Brashear — Donald, it’s been a great 5 games.  We hired you to bring an element of toughness to our team and to protect all Russians named Alex.  But according to your personnel file, you’ve amassed, let’s see here, yes, 2 minutes of penalties.  Either you completed 40% of a fight, or you’re underperforming on all strategic goals and objectives.  I’d call Security to escort you out, but it seems in 2007 all you’ve been capable of throwing are dirty looks.

Chris Clark — Chris, we’re sorry.  When massive layoffs occur, the majority of people let go are entry-level employees.  If we don’t let go of some middle management, there’s going to be an uprising on our hands.  Considering we just let Brashear go last paragraph, we wouldn’t be able to defend ourselves.  So to appease the minions, we’re letting our captain go.  Face it, you were kind of surprised when we promoted you, so this shouldn’t be a system shock now.

Nicklas Backstrom Sorry, you share a name with the Wild’s goalie, and we’ve got that guy on our fantasy team.  It’s too damn confusing for us.  Best of luck.

Joe Motzko — Rules of Corporate America, friend.  “Last one is first one out.”  If we catch the jersey maker in time, maybe she can just convert your half-finished sweater into one for Shaone Morrisonn.

Brent Johnson – The Indianapolis Colts are so confident in Peyton Manning’s ability that they only carry two QBs on their roster.  And we’re equally confident in Kolzig.  What’s that?  What about Jim Sorgi?  You sir, are no Jim Sorgi.

Assistant Coach Jay Leach — The people of Washington need the Capitals right now to get through these tough times.  Your personnel file says you spent time coaching for the Hartford Whalers, and actually played for the Quebec Nordiques and the Minnesota North Stars.  Look, we can’t let this city down, and management feels your continued presence might force a franchise move to Kansas City. or Hamilton  Thanks for your time with the Washington Capitals.

No sleep ’til Brooklyn,
Ted Leonsis


1 Comment

  1. Boooo for using a pic with the old caps’ uniforms! I’ll reorganize you…

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