You Should Never Underestimate A Group Of Hockey Moms, Part I: Phoenix

Wild Mothers

When the Minnesota Wild organization invited the mothers of players to join the team on their West Coast road trip this past week, everyone involved thought it was a good idea – the team had already honored the dads last year with a similar trip, so why not the mothers? It was certainly due time for the moms to be shown a little gratitude and appreciation for all they’ve done to turn their sons into NHL-caliber players. Everyone knows that it is almost never the dads shuttling their boys back and forth to 6:00 a.m. practices. It was a nice gesture, indeed, and probably long overdue.

What the Wild brass did not realize is by bringing the moms together they unwittingly assembled – perhaps even unknown to the mothers themselves –  a collection of women that finally had the opportunity to truly live.  What follows is what I have been able to cull by going through police reports, reviewing witness accounts and listening to recorded conversations. Spaces in the narrative have been filled with a little dash of conjecture and a generous helping of “artistic license” by yours truly.

There have been reports of a sharp rise in criminal activity in cities that has directly coincided with each of the stops on the Wild’s West Coast road trip – first in Phoenix, next in Anaheim and finally in the City of Angels. What follows is what transpired in Phoenix, Arizona when the Wild were in town to play the Coyotes. We begin at the team hotel:

Hyatt Phoenix


Note: After reviewing the video (I have connections with security staff in hotels across the country — don’t ask), I have been able to positively identify each Wild mother.

Mama Rolston: It sure has been nice seeing our boys, hasn’t it, ladies?

Mama Parrish: Ya sure, you betcha.

Mama Koivu: Ya ya. Usually I only get to communicate with my little Mikko by sähköposti.

Mama Schultz: It truly has been a wonderful time. Have I mentioned that I’m the mayor of Strasbourg, Saskatchewan?

Mama Carney: (sighing) Yes, you have, dear – on the plane from Saint Paul about 10 times…

Mama Schultz: Oh, I’m sorry – it’s just that this is so exciting! I haven’t been out of Strasbourg, where I’m the mayor, in so long! Isn’t this a beautiful hotel? What a stunning lobby!

Mama Boogaard: It’s lovely. You know – now that the boys are at practice, maybe we should get out ourselves – you know, get a little crazy – sow our wild oats, ya know? It’s not like any of us will be in Phoenix again any time soon.

Mama Backstrom: Dis eez dee last time I vill ever be een Phoenix.

Mama Bouchard: Oui, me too.

Mama Rolston: Ooh, this is such a thrill! But what should we do?

Mama Boogaard: You leave that to me…I have some ideas…let’s go!

Police Report

Below is a Phoenix Police Department Initial Investigation Narrative Report:

DATE: OCTOBER 13, 2007


At approximately 16:30 hours, Dispatch received a call from <name redacted> regarding an assault and possible robbery at Aztec Jewelers. I was dispatched to the scene and arrived at the location at 16:40 hours.

Upon arriving at the scene it was immediately clear that a robbery had taken place. I proceeded to interview one of the two memebers of the staff at Aztec Jewelers who were present during the incident. He appeared injured and was visibly shaken. What follows is his statement:

“Man, it was crazy. A group of maybe 10, 12 women came into the store and started, you know, looking around. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t feel right. One of the ladies comes up to me and asks me to see some necklaces that were in a dispaly case near the back of the store. Before I knew what hit me the lady had my shirt over my head and was punching me – mostly kidney punches and blows to my ribs but a few of her haymakers caught me in the back of the head. I just laid down on the ground and tried to protect myself the best I could – covering my head and my, um, privates. The lady took my keys and unlocked the cases. Another woman started emptying them out and let me tell you she was fast – she was grabbing jewelry handfuls at a time and passing them to one of the other ladies – she was doing crazy stuff like throwing it behind her back and looking in one direction while throwing the jewelry the other way. Some other lady was catching them and putting them in one of those long gym bags, you know what I’m talking about? It seems strange now but I think the lady that was catching the jewelry was wearing some sort of weird glove and a goalie mask – I don’t know – and when she wasn’t catching the jewelry with her glove she would deflect it with her other arm or foot right into the bag! I tell you this – these ladies were vicious and I think some of them were speaking in a foreign language – they sounded like that chef guy from The Muppet Show – that’s the best I can explain it … When <name redacted> tried to stop the lady with the glove and goalie mask from filling up the bag these other two ladies who were standing right in front of her – kind of like they were protecting the other one – kept running her off and kept kind of pushing her every time she got close. The way these women moved – so crisply and with such precision – it was almost as if they had drawn up the whole thing somehow – one of them kept yelling something about a “neutral zone trap” or something. I can’t say for sure but I would guess they were in and out in about 2 minutes.”

The victim became overwhelmed at this point so I ended the interview. Victim was eventually transported to the Emergency Room at St. Luke’s Medical Center for treatment of his injuries and a psychological assessment. Before releasing the victim to the paramedics, I inquired as to the presence of any security video. Victim reported that the business did in fact have security cameras in the showroom, but those cameras were quickly disabled by one of the women – victim claims she swung a broom and propelled various objects located on the floor about the premises directly into said cameras, destroying them instantly and rendering them incapable of recording what had transpired.

This incident appears incredibly similar to other incidents of vandalism, assault and possible robbery at other locations in downtown Phoenix during the afternoon of 10/13/2007. All incidents were reportedly perpetrated by a group of women of the approximate age of 40 and older and occurred between 15:00 and 19:00 hours. Will follow-up with Captain A.N. Tennille to compare reports.

Sgt. R. Slaughter
23:75 10.13.07



1 Comment

  1. Was it just me, or did it seem like everyone had the same mom…she just put on different glasses for each son.

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