The Knaves of Toews Emerge!


One more warning sound
We’re comin’ out




We’ve sequestered ourselves under the Blackhawks shop for a month, abstaining from any distractions. No Theo Fleury Xanax parties, no Jeremy Roenick karaoke impressions, nothing. Just pure concentration on October 22, 2007.


The Knaves are ready with their latest incarnation. You’ve already seen our past results: the whore conglomerate “The Karl Dykhuis” (serving the west side for 13 years!), turning Jean-Yves Leroux from a shitty second round draft pick into a serviceable goon, and our greatest trick, making Denis Arkhipov disappear.


How does one create the ultimate Blue Jacket destroyer?


West Madison Renegade Recipe:


1 Enforcer


We lured Bob Probert to Chicago by informing him that a North American Cocaine Anonymous Meeting was taking place at 333 N. Michigan, featuring Ronnie Woo Woo as head of ceremonies! Once he entered the store, we whisked him underground and tied him up in an old Stu Grimson jersey. Probey could never get away from the Reaper’s grasp.


1 tablespoon Enforcer Blood

A spirit requires a medium if he wants to return to the world of the living. We raided the Hibbard, MN Red Cross for a Mike Peluso specimen. Dump on the enforcer’s head.


1 Enforcer Spirit

If it were only so simple to buy spirits at your local occult store; we’d buy Epicurus’ and attach him to Sergei Samsonov so that the Russian’s effort would increase! Alas, we cannot conjure Epi, since chanting “We are hedonists!” only brings the assistant store manager downstairs to yell, “Shut up!”


However, we do know the magic words to evoke the spirit of one who is killed before his time: the killer’s name.


We chant: “Rob Ramage Rob Ramage Rob Ramage Rob Ramage”



Probert’s body rose a foot above the ground as Keith Magnusson entered his body. Keith wasn’t happy with his new surroundings.



“Why is my blood moving so fucking fast? And why are my nasal passages so small?”



We told Keith/Bob that Rob was playing the Blackhawks Tuesday night and wearing numbers #6 and #97. Ramage is a crafty devil. Andrei Zyuzin tried to complain about being a healthy scratch, but he tripped over his own feet and knocked himself out.


Our work is done and the monster is ready to destroy. We expect nothing less than 200 penalty minutes, 25 broken bones, 30 bicuspids on the ice, and 1 reborn drug addiction or our spirit back. Accomplish thy destiny, Keith/Bob.



  1. I hear you can see episodes of KeithBob HockeyPants like 12 times a day on VERSUS. He even has a best friend named Patrick.

  2. I guess I’d go with Tim – it’s much more polished and Paul’s writing is much stronger – but Let It Be is nothing to sneeze at either. Actually, I really can’t say one way or the other.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s