After beating the Colorado Avalanche 3-2 on Sunday night, the Wild have begun their season at a blistering pace with a record of 7-0-1 , the best start in franchise history. They are the only team left in the NHL without a loss in regulation, despite scoring a paltry 20 goals in 8 games (only 9 teams have scored less).
Since we here at MYFO often deal in the ridiculous, it allows me to pose this question: given their early season success, will the Wild lose a game in regulation this year?
Most people Everyone People who aren’t retarded would agree that there’s a better chance of Sidney Crosby retiring and pursuing a career in gay porn broadcasting then it is for a team to go an entire season without a loss in regulation. With that in mind, I shot off a couple of e-mails to some of my close personal friends in the worlds of sports and entertainment and posed this very question to them – their answers are next.
Barry Melrose, ESPN Hockey Analyst: Thanks for the e-mail, Weed. Long time, no speak. Well, first of all, the Wild are an excellent team. Still, they have a lot of games agaynst [sic] their division rivals including seven left agaynst [sic] the Avalanche so we will have to see how they fare agaynst [sic] those teams. They are strong agaynst [sic] other teams’ top scoring lines and are very strong agaynst [sic] their opposition’s power play. I could see it happening but it is agaynst [sic] my better judgment to say they could do it. Take care, Weed, and remember – let your “freak flag” fly!
Brian Engblom, Versus Hockey Analyst: Mr. Speed, I don’t know much about this “blogging” stuff but I will always feel indebted to you for recommending the Flowbee® for all my personal hair-care needs. Insofar as the Wild are concerned, did you ask Barry? What did he say? Did he say anything about me? Did he say why he won’t return my calls? What sort of styling products does he use? I mean, look at me – I’m a mess! I need help! Can you give me Barry’s e-mail address? Man, me and Barry used to be tight. Anyway, the Wild will not only not lose a game in regulation, they may not lose another game this year period. But more than anything, I really miss Barry.
John Edward, Psychic: Your questions regarding how a team will perform is beyond my area of expertise. What I can tell you is – wait – I’m getting something here – Weed, do you know someone named “Sergei” that has “crossed over”? He wants me to let you know that he is finally at peace and he is watching the Wild from above. And no, I didn’t go on the internet to see if anyone affiliated with the Minnesota Wild has died in the past few years prior to responding to your inquiry, if that’s what you’re wondering. For you to even insinuate that is reprehensible and disgusting. Now, how do you want to pay for my services? This isn’t free, you know.
Jerry Seinfeld, Comedian: What’s the deal with hockey? I mean, a bunch of guys on ice skates chasing after something called a puck? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? I mean, aren’t there other jobs for these people? Do they go on to performing with Canadians On Ice after their careers are through? I mean, what is the deal with these people? And Gary Bettman – what’s the deal with this guy? Is this guy serious? Oh – he’s a real genius. Why not take a sport that was marginally popular in the U.S. and disenfranchise the dwindling fan base with a prolonged lockout? I mean, hey, what’s the deal? By the way, since we’re not spending a lot of money promoting it, I have a new movie coming out called Bee Movie – it’s in theaters November 2nd – it’s not getting much exposure right now so would you promote it on your blog, Weed? And, hey, what’s the deal with blogs?
Hope Solo, U.S. Women’s Soccer Player: What’s up, Weed? Here’s what I have to say about the Wild’s chances: if that fucking coach of yours Jacques Lemaire stops tinkering and lets the number one goalie do his fucking job, they could do it. What the fuck does he think he’s doing putting the backup goalie in all the time? Fucking rotations are for fucking losers, I say. How is Backstrom supposed to do his fucking job if he has to worry about Harding breathing down his fucking neck and not knowing when the fuck he’s going to play? Fuck that noise. If you have a number one goalie, play that fucking goalie every fucking game. Well, gotta go to my Interpersonal Relationships seminar. Talk to ya later!