The Only Slovak Whose Name I Can Easily Spell is Going Home

22207038.jpgPeter Bondra, the once-great scoring machine for the Washington Capitals, has retired from ice hockey to accept the general manager position for his homeland of Slovakia. Ah, retirement. Good for you, Peter. Because of this decision, you won’t have to you know, not play hockey anytime soon. Not putting on a jersey and not taking shifts in the NHL this season has no doubt taken a toll on your body as of late, and we’re glad that you can finally hang the skates up for good.Of course, you’ll have to take said skates off the rack and then put them back on the rack to make your point, but we understand. Retiring from unemployment is hard.

After the jump, insights into what General (Manager) Bondra can expect once he gets to the practice facility in Bratislava.

Bondra inherits a team five years removed from its glory days, when Slovakia defeated Russia for the 2002 World Championship Gold Medal. Hell, he had the game-winner with 1:40 to go. But aren’t the World Championships merely the Pre-season NIT for the global hockey circuit? Nobody cares! They play it in May, when the North American teams are largely composed of the best players from teams too crappy to be in the NHL Playoffs. It’s like being a TV-ratings juggernaut during the summer.

IIHF World Championships = So You Think You Can Dance

Besides, who will Bondra have to work with? The great Slovaks of the past decade, names like Palffy, Svehla, and, well, BONDRA, are long gone. Who’s left?

• Paul Stastny? Sorry, Slovaks – he was born in Canuckistan.
• Petr Budaj? – Maybe if he can actually win a starting job.
• Pavol Demitra? – No Lady Byng winners allowed.
• Zdeno Chara? – Bondra’s afraid he’ll get the Koci treatment if he short-shifts the Wookie.

ice-hockey.jpgFace it, Peter. Your future does not look bright. In Slovakia, your farm system is comprised of ACTUAL FARMS. Slovak teams of the future are a far cry from the Iron Curtain powerhouses of the 80’s. When Czechoslovakia split in two, the IIHF demanded that the once mighty TCH team be split based on hometown. Unfortunately, all the fat guys and medium guys lived in the surrounding areas of Prague (the food’s better there), leaving your domestic corps of players skinny, emaciated, and hungry.

But hey, at least your team will be fast and have an excellent face-off percentage.



  1. mmmmm…the food in Prague really is better. And the beer. And the women. Peter really did get the short end of the stick.

    I guess he does have a couple of decent guys to work with in Gaborik and Hossa. But he’ll have to plow those fields to try and grow some more Petrovickys to fill out the roster.

  2. The women better in prague? Have you ever been to bratislava? No way dude! And I’ve got evidence for you. Jagr is Czech. A Czech baby can only come from a Czech woman. Jagr is not good. Ergo, Czech women are not good!

  3. So you’re saying the Czech won’t be good until next Friday?

  4. Paul Stastny: The Canadian born Slovak who plays for the USA.

  5. I’m saying that the Czech is going to bounce.

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