Saint Sidney Invades Saint Paul Tonight: Minnesotans Expecting Traffic Jams, Miracles

Jesus Dominates In The Face-Off Circle

Thanks to the NHL’s Gary Bettman’s somewhat unconventional downright retarded idea of an unbalanced schedule, tonight will be Minnesota hockey fans first chance to see The Chosen One, a/k/a Sid the Kid, a/k/a The Next One, a/k/a Hockey Jesus, a/k/a Sidney Crosby play in his brief NHL career. Crosby has been to Minnesota before; in fact, he played for hockey powerhouse Shattuck-St. Mary’s in the tiny hamlet of Faribault, Minnesota when he was 15 years old, where he scored 72 goals and and 162 points in 57 games in 2002-03.

Given the magnitude of such an event, the Minnesota State Patrol will have their hands full with traffic management and all the other details associated when someone of such stature visits a “flyover state” like Minnesota – it’s very similar to when the President or the Pope visits, except on this occasion, the residents of Minnesota actually give a shit. Truth be told, this is the most highly aniticipated visit to the state by a Crosby since the last time David Crosby fell off the wagon and booked a “vacation” at Hazelden for “exhaustion”.

 State PatrolFrom the press release from the Minnesota State Patrol:

“Twin Cities motorists can expect some traffic disruptions on October 30th when hockey phenom Sidney Crosby visits the Twin Cities for his game against the Minnesota Wild. Motorists traveling in both eastbound and westbound lanes on Interstate 94 between Minneapolis and Saint Paul before, during and after tonight’s game should expect delays and should prepare for unannounced road closings as Mr. Crosby’s motorcade makes its way to and from the event. Mr. Crosby is expected to depart the Twin Cities immediately after tonight’s game and traffic patterns should return to normal at that point.”

Sidney Crosby Can Cure LeukemiaNot only will Sid the Kid be expected to perform amazing feats on the ice tonight, he will also be expected to perform otherworldly feats while he is in town as well. Crosby will be at Regions Hospital in Saint Paul before tonight’s game to visit the facility’s Cancer Care Center.

“I’m really excited to meet him,” weakly whispered 12 year-old Bobby Smith, who is suffering from Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) and is being treated at Regions’ Cancer Care Center. “The therapy is going okay but I believe in my heart that if Sid would come and lay his hands on me I just know my t-cell count would improve and the leukemia would go into remission.”

I’m not one to stomp on the power of hope and the dreams of a child (usually), so let’s hope for a speedy recovery for little Bobby Smith. I’m sure he’ll at least get an autographed jersey from Sidney, so that’s pretty cool. Do you know what that could fetch on eBay? Enough for at least one more round of chemo…at least Bobby’s parents hope so…

Sidney Crosby Will Get You PregnantAnother person hoping for a visit with Mr. Crosby is one Donna Beaupre, of Edina, Minnesota, who is currently receiving fertility treatment and will be one of many people attempting to get some face time with Sid during his visit here:

“My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a couple of years now,” said a somewhat dejected and emotional Beaupre. “I’m hoping if I get the chance to meet him, Sid has his hockey equipment with him.” When asked how that would help her specific situation, Beaupre replied, “I want his mouthguard. He wears one, doesn’t he? I think that if I could get one of his used mouthguards and, um, insert it up inside me pre-coitus, I believe the residue of Sid’s saliva left on it just might make it happen for us. I’m running out of hope and Sid’s just so great he could do it, you know?”

Later, Beaupre declared she would be willing to have Crosby himself inseminate her, if he were so inclined. In case you’re wondering, her husband is totally cool with it (what man wouldn’t be?) – as long as he gets to watch – it isn’t every day one gets the chance to watch one’s wife get plowed by Hockey Jesus and goddammit, if that means he’s a cuckold, so be it. He is even willing wants to hide in the closet during the deed if that’s what it takes and masturbate furiously. Oh, and an autographed jersey would be nice too, of course. The cash from its sale on eBay would certainly pay for Sid Jr.’s first set of hockey gear. That shit ain’t cheap.

Finally, as everyone is already aware, we here at MYFO are huge fans of Sidney Crosby as well as Versus, so we wanted to point out that the Wild-Penguins game will be on the popular cable channel tonight. Hopefully it will be an entertaining game tonight at the “X”, no matter how things pan out for little Bobby Smith, as well as Donna Beaupre and her perverted husband. Either way, always remember:

Jesus Loves Hockey

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2 Comments

  1. Unfortunately, Gary Roberts causes cancer. It evens the Pens out a bit.

  2. I sure as hell wouldn’t be cool with Hockey Jesus inseminating my wife. The last thing I need around the house is a mulleted toddler telling me I’m going to burn in Hell while blasting 100mph slapshots at my head.


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