Making Puck: He’s Baaaaaaaack!

It was the day Rick “I’ll Take The Spread” Tocchet was informed he could return to the league in February. It was the day Daniel Briere made an appearance in Montreal after declining the team’s offseason offer. People fought, goals were scored, and the Leaves still suck. Onward.

Holy jumpin’ the Rangers put together two wins in a row! Drury scored and got an assist. Even Scotty Gomez picked up a point. And it was a shutout, too? Close off Broadway because it’s time to have a friggin’ parade! Wait, what’s that? They beat Washington? Forget it.

The evening in Boston began with the Red Sox owners and president bringing out the team’s two recent World Series trophies. How are you supposed to drink out of that fucker? Someone could lose an eye on one of those flags! Plus, it’s tiny and fragile. Bring me Stanley’s mug any day. Oh yeah, Boston and Buffalo traded pairs of goals for a while and then headed into overtime. Boston won. Baseball sucks.

Welcome to the Island. Now get off. Tampa Bay dropped another bad one, this time to the Isles. In fact, they get shutout 4-0. John Tortorella is going to kill someone with his shoe and then turn their skin into one of his poorly cut double-breasted suits.

Ottawa goes up big and then almost gives it away. They beat the Thrashers by two thanks to an empty-netter. Chris Neil got in a fight and spent most of the time playing to the crowd rather than throwing punches. Dumbass.

Saku Koivu might not be perfectly bilingual, but he speaks le points, mes amis. The captain gets a goal and an assist and passes Guy Carbonneau on the Habs’ all time points list. Briere was booed every time he touched the ice, and Les Glorieux gave the increasingly dirty Flyers a Montreal style Dirty Sanchez.

Detroit Rock City. The Wings head into Calgary and smack ’em 4-1. Zetterberg gets two goals. Calgary get the shaft.

As is his wont, Derek Boogaard dropped the gloves. But he also took a bad penalty that resulted in a goal, and the man he fought got the game winner. The Blues beat the Wild Groins. Somebody get these boys some Ben Gay.

Well okay, Jose. It’s been so long since I gave a thought to Jose Theodore, the Rogaine chugging poon hound who once meant so much to us in Montreal. It seems he’s been busy knocking up his lady love and, for the most part, letting in softies. But last night he was victorious! Take that Sydney Crosby and your two-goal game! The Avs prevail with three third period goals and Joe Holy Fucking Shit Sakic kept his points streak alive.

Let’s hear it for those old bones. Mathieu Schneider made his debut with the Ducks last night against the Columbus BlowJobs. He even took a shot in the ensuing shootout and managed to net the winner. WTF?

Vanboooover loses at home again. The hippies are getting restless and the home team is getting booed. Losing to road-sucky Nashville at home? And getting shutout? That’s enough to harsh anyone’s vibe, man. This is some serious BC Skunk.

I wrote this while suffering from what I think is a broken nose. God forbid it leaves me looking like Rick Tocchet.



  1. Tocchet’s back? What are the odds?

  2. I’ll take 3-1 against that Tocchet screws up before February. Want that sweet action Rick?

    SAKUUUUUU. Guy Bertrand can shove his language up his cul. AND Capitaine K introduced the team in French. What a night.

  3. If Sidney Crosby = Jesus and
    Joe Sakic defeated Crosby, then
    Joe Sakic > Sidney Crosby, therefore
    Joe Sakic > Jesus

  4. Shouldn’t that read Joe Fucking Sakic, Baba?

  5. yet another O&B prejudice victim.

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