Where In The World Is Wes Walz?

Her last name means “whale’s vagina”.Minnesota Wild center Wes Walz is missing. He has been essentially incommunicado with the organization since last Wednesday, when he requested a leave of absence from the team. Rumor has it that the 37 year-old Walz, who is apparently unhappy with his performance so far this season, is contemplating retirement. Even Jacques Lemaire has begun to refer to Walz as if he is already gone for good.

The possibility that Walz is considering retirement is what they would like you to believe. Who are “they”, you ask? You got me,  but “they”, for some reason, are withholding the truth from us. Personally, I have a few ideas where Mr. Walz may be and what he might be up to. Those theories, after the jump.

Wes Walz

  1. Exploring the Amazon Rain Forest for the plant needed to make the rumored “magic salve” the natives jokingly tell gringos is called “El Groino” (for Gaborik and Demitra, of course).
  2. Working as a roadie on Nickelback’s tour (Mark Parrish turned him on to their unique brand of rock and roll).
  3. Meth bender.
  4. In Aruba looking for Natalee Holloway (someone has to).
  5. MountiesJoined the Mounties.
  6. Crashing on Richard Dean Anderson’s couch.
  7. Retracing the journey of the Lewis & Clark Expedition (for some reason, he thought it would be a cool way to meet Native American chicks).
  8. On “walkabout” in Australian Outback.
  9. Working at Outback Steakhouse.
  10. CarusoStalking David Caruso.
  11. Holding candlelight vigil for Guy Lafleur’s son.
  12. Waiting in line outside studio to be in audience for the debut of FrankTV.
  13. Pursuing dream job of working at Da Kine Bail Bonds with Dog the Bounty Hunter.
  14. Iron MaidenQuarterback tryout with the Minnesota Vikings.
  15. Joined an Iron Maiden cover band.
  16. Got lost at the Mall of America.
  17. Locked in hotel room determined to beat Super Mario Brothers straight through, without dying.
  18. AlyssaBanging Alyssa Milano.
  19. Just “kicking it” with the Dalai Lama in Tibet.
  20. Mastering the Waltz for potential tryout on Dancing With The Stars.

Those are just a few of my theories. I would appreciate reading yours in the comments section.


1 Comment

  1. “Meth bender”

    He looks more like a coke feind to me. But in the spirit of Carman Sandiego, I’d like to suggest the following:

    1. Is stealing Mount Kilamjairo by attaching it to his motorcycle (imaginary high five if you get it)
    2. is using magiacal fire breath to save maidens fair
    3. is invading Poland (I hear it’s lovly this time of year)
    4. is in search of answer to the truthfulness of the phrase, “if you don’t use it, you lose it”
    5. is creating a genetically modified towel
    6. is finding the real killers
    7. is in search of the Northwest passage
    8. is taking off to the Great White North (it’s a beauty way to go!)
    9. is reading a “Choose you own adventure” book without cheating and just flipping back a page
    10. is learning Kilingon

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