Gary Bettman Will Host Show On XM Satellite Radio: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Gary Bettman

In what most would agree is a rather bold move, it has been announced that Gary Bettman will serve as co-host on a weekly show on XM Satellite Radio’s NHL Home Ice station (XM Channel 204) beginning November 27th. The show is  called “NHL Hour” and will be co-hosted by Bill Clement, because, well frankly, he has the spare time. According to the Commish himself:

“The NHL has the best fans in sports.  Thanks to XM Satellite Radio, we are able to offer this unique outlet for answering their questions. I look forward to hearing from our fans directly and being a part of this one-of-a-kind radio show.” 

Be careful what you wish for, dear leader – you may just end up getting it. What follows is how I envision the question and answer session with NHL fans will go:

My Finger Smells Like PoopBill Clement:  Weclome back to the NHL Hour on XM Satellite Radio. Commissioner Bettman is still in the restroom so let’s hold off on the callers for a bit and let’s delve into what’s wrong with NBC’s and Versus’ coverage of the National Hockey League. You see, since I’ve been let go…

Commissioner Bettman: …and I’m back. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the darned stall.

Bill Clement: You have to turn the knob to unlock the door.

Commissioner Bettman: No, that wasn’t the problem. I couldn’t find the door with my head stuck so far up my ass. It’s really an amazing view up in there – you should see for yourself, Bill.

Bill Clement: No thanks. I’ll take your word for it.

Commissioner Bettman: If you’re worried about the smell…

Bill Clement: No thank you, sir.

Commissioner Bettman: What I was going to say is that every time I do a “plops” I perform a “butt-douche” on myself. I carry a rectal bulb syringe filled with Sidney Crosby’s sweat at all times. You never know when the Doo-Doo Fairy is coming for a visit.

Bill Clement: Seriously, sir, can we move on to the calls?

Commissioner Bettman: Fine, but I want to point out my poopie peephole smells like an English rose garden…

Bill Clement: Very good. First off, we have a John from Hartford.

Commissioner Bettman: Next – he must have been cut-off.

Bill Clement: But, Commissioner…

Commissioner Bettman: I said NEXT CALLER  you little bastard!

Bill Clement: Calm down, sir…I guess it’s  good we’re not on regular radio if you’re going to speak like that.

Commissioner Bettman: Do not question me! Next caller, Bill.

Bill Clement: We have a Larry on the line who is calling from Winnipeg…

Commissioner Bettman: Next.

Bill Clement: Alright. Next up we have Jean-Pierre from Quebec City…

Commissioner Bettman: Christ Almighty! Are you doing this on purpose???

Bill Clement: No, Commissioner, we are taking calls in the order they are received…if you would be so kind as to take a call…

Commissioner Bettman: Hey, dickwad, look – I answer to no one – except for my old boss, David Stern, of course. We talk a lot – he has been giving me lots of tips on how to run the NHL into the grou– er, run the NHL like the first class organization that it always has been and always will be, as long as I’m in charge. David says the NHL’s success is the NBA’s success or something or other…anyway, next caller, Bill?

Bill Clement: We have Jimmy on line one from Atlanta. Go ahead, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Hello, Bill. Hello, Mr. Bettman. First time caller, long time listener.

Bill Clement: This is our first show, Jimmy.

Commissioner Bettman: Yeah, you dummy. Hey Bill, have you ever noticed how there are so many stupid people in Georgia?

Bill Clement:  Mr. Bettman!

Commissioner Bettman: Ahh, who cares? Go ahead, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Um, yeah. Anyway, I was wondering Mr. Bettman, could you do something to make the game easier to watch? I have the hardest time following the puck when I’m watching the game. It just moves too fast for me to keep up with it. Is there something you could do about that?

Commissioner Bettman: Jimmy, I assure you, we have our best people working on it. Well, it looks like we are all out of time! I wanted to thank my co-host, Bill Clement, and wanted to tell all you listeners out there, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars!

Bill Clement: Commissioner, we still have 15 minutes left of the show and we have someone who chooses to remain anonymous calling from MYFO Industries on the line…

Commissioner Bettman:  Noooooooo!!!



  1. talk about getting the Douche Sweats, this program would do it…

  2. Now on XM…MC Gary B and the Funky Bunch. Spinning hip-hop, R&B and dance on the 1’s and 2’s until the fire marshall shuts this par-tay down. Fo-shizzle.

  3. Commisioner, did you ever notice that everytime you make an announced appearance in an NHL arena that you are greeted with a chorus of boos? Why do you think that is?

  4. Bill Clement: Next caller is Jon from Atlanta. Jon!

    “Jon”: Um, this is Jim-Bob, from Nashville–

    Commissioner Bettman: Dammit, I want that producer fired! Right now, you hear me?! You’re gone! Goddammit, that little shit Balsillie said he’d be THE FIRST FUCKIN’ CALLER–

    [dead air]

    [XM jingle]

  5. Great — just what satellite radio needs: another whiny New Yorker windbag who doesn’t know when his time is past.

  6. + 1–he does hang out with Snoop Dog, though:

    someone here or over at BMR or someone needs to try and get a question on. I don’t care what you ask or how you get it on. I have a reward of a bright shiny +5 for the one who does it

  7. I’ll tkae that challenge. Have my bright and shiny nickel ready when I get back. :0)

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