Making Puck: Stupid Player Quote Edition

LemmingsAlong with Cousins of Ron Mexico, we use the official NHL.com recaps as linking fodder for our snarky potshots in each edition of Making Puck.  Does that make us more official than other blogs?  Not really.  It’s probably this way because whoever did the first one started it, and we’re all Lemmings.  You think trying to stop a Lemming from going off a cliff is hard?  Try it when they’re wearing hockey skates.

Anyway, the recaps we link to are written by the Associated Press.  Apparently, AP follows a simple formula when it comes to writing them:

  1. Poorly-executed ironic statement
  2. Reason Team A beat Team B, with a mention of final score
  3. Useless quote from winning coach
  4. Filler
  5. Useless quote from integral player
  6. Filler
  7. Useless quote from other player, likely explaining why he sucked
  8. Lineup Notes

At #5 in that list, you get a bland quote from a player who just wants to go home and go to sleep.  Guess what, guys – MYFO is paying attention, and it’s about time you get called out for idiocy.  You know, after the jump.

Predators 4, Blue Jackets 1 – Hockey is a team sport, absolutely.  The combination of highly-talented forwards, defensemen, and a goalie can lead you to victory.  In a game for hockey purists, Nashville and Columbus battled last night, and a team effort allowed the Preds to continue their hot streak.  Says J.P. Dumont: “We’re going to need 20 guys every night.”  20?  Really, J.P.?  That assumes you’re going to need your back-up goalie – and if that’s the case, your starter probably got shelled.  The biggest decision the Preds want Dan Ellis to have is, “Should I wear a baseball cap on the bench, or not?”  Make that 19, Dumont.

Flyers 3, Islanders 2 – Hey, don’t get me wrong.  Rick DiPietro has got to be LOADED.  He has a contract with the Isles through 2081, he probably gets some side-loving from Mike Comrie’s famous lady, and his goalie mask oozes America.  What’s not to like, Scottie Upshall?  “It’s nice to be able to make a move on the goalie.”  If you really want to win his heart, Scottie, may I make a few suggestions.  1.  Stop insisting people call you Scottie.  2.  Champagne, candles, and a Dido CD.  3.  Don’t score two goals against him to make him sad.

Sharks 5, Coyotes 0 – Apparently, the AP write couldn’t care less that San Jose just destroyed Phoenix in the box score – he’s more concerned about their team record book.  And why the hell not – it’s almost 20 years old!  Evgeni Nabokov just earned himself another page – starting his 25th consecutive game? – in that book.  What does Nabby have to say about it?  “The points are more important right now,” Nabokov said. “All those other things are good when I’m 50 and it will be nice to remember.”  Chris Chelios disagrees.  Enjoy it now – it’s not as sweet later.

Hurricanes 4, Panthers 3 – Okay, this one’s a from coach Peter Laviolette, who won his 200th career game last night thanks to a late Cory Stillman goal: “He had some pain in his trapezoid area and I think with his previous injury, not knowing what’s going on in there, it’s just better to be safe.”  I’m no doctor, but isn’t it the trapezius?  Poor Erik Cole.  Not only is he going to have to recover from a cruel Jassen Cullimore check from behind, he’s going to also have to stay after school to help his coach pass geometry and anatomy.

Devils 3, Penguins 2 – Sayeth Kevin Weekes: “Our confidence level has been going up and down so far this season, so to be able to bounce back and win this game says a lot about us,” Weekes said. “We feel a lot better about ourselves.”  Self-esteem is all well and good, Kevin.  But you play on a team named the Devils, and you made Hockey Jesus look bad.  Let us know how you feel when God’s through with his reckoning.

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5 Comments

  1. I was experiencing some pain in my rhombus area once. It turns out I was sitting on my Xbox controller.

  2. That’s it. I’m linking to Yahoo in my next recap.

  3. I linked to ESPN’s recaps once, but it just kept sending people to a page that said
    “Server Not Found.”

  4. I think in tomorrow’s Making Puck you should includeall the effing sideline reports we have to deal with during broadcasts as part of your cannon fodder. Nothing like a sideline reporter (or two) for a sport with no sidelines! Yay, random assistant coach interviews during the middle of the action when they’re trying to yell for line changes!

  5. Well, Opiwan, that would mean we would have to, you know, watch the games.


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