Yet Another Team Who Can Beat the Kansas City Royals

senatormanager.jpgDamn you, Ray Emery.

I’ve got you on my fantasy team.  And since my other goalie’s name ends in -abibhulin, I was kind of depending on you.  You play for the reigning Eastern Conference champ!  Not only do I have to suffer, Ottawa has to rely on the Gerber Baby in your place.  At least you’re taking it easy and showing some effort in your recovery.  As a paid professional athlete, you are taking your job seriously and will be back on the – WHAT’S THIS?

Emery, already in coach John Paddock’s doghouse for questionable work habits during practice, left the ice early on Monday with back spasms he says were originally caused by playing baseball during an off-day on Sunday.

Emery says something happened when he bent over to throw pop-ups.

You’ve got to be kidding me, Ray.  This isn’t Field of Dreams.  Your last name isn’t Kinsella.

Since you’re so set on becoming the Canuckistanian Bo Jackson, I’ve taken the liberty of filling out your lineup card.  That’s right, Ray.  If you’re going to get to play baseball, all the Ottawa Senators are going to get to play baseball.  So after the jump, let’s play some baseball. 


1. Centerfield – Antonie Vermette (#20) – Vermette is the current holder of the Sens’ fastest skater record, a title he won in last year’s skills competition.  In fact, Vermette excelled in all of the events.  He’ll give you speed on the basepaths, can cover the vast expanses of the outfield quickly, and should 4 mysterious styrofoam targets appear on the warning track, he’ll be ready.

2. Shortstop – Jason Spezza (#19) – Christ, Derek Jeter is a pretty man.  Shortstops need to be pretty these days, apparently.  They’ve become the faces of franchises.  So why not Spezza?  Our investigation reveals that as a young lad, Jason was a youth model for Woolco and K-Mart.  If you can get Canadians to buy substandard children’s clothing, well then, you sure as hell are pretty enough to play MLB shortstop.

3. First Base – Daniel Alfredsson (#11) You need offensive production, both in the third spot in the line-up and at first base.  Alfredsson is the leader of this team.  We’ll try him here, and if he falters, we’ll use Wade Redden as a defensive replacement.  Swedes:  Good at Hockey.  Suck at Baseball.

4. Right Field – Dany Heatley (#15) – Came to Ottawa from Atlanta – a city known for a winning tradition on the diamond.  An offensive machine, quick feet, and as clutch as a guy Ottawa has (Alfredsson has a history of folding like a cheap card table come playoff time (Yes, he wasn’t bad last year, got it.)  Will Heatley be afraid to go to the wall to bring back a home run ball?  Our records say: Yes.  At full speed.

(What’s this on my desk?  A boarding pass to Hell?  Awesome!)

5. Catcher – Anton Volchenkov (#24) – He led the league in blocked shots last year.  Seems like an ideal fit.  Of course, in Soviet Russia, the plate blocks you.

6. Third Base – Dean McAmmond (#37) – An excellent position to have some veteran leadership.  At 73, McAmmond fits the bill nicely.  And thanks to Steve Downie, he’s got his head on a swivel – which he’s going to need at the hot corner.

7. Left Field – Randy Robitaille (#27) – Upon signing a one-year contract with his ninth NHL team, reporters asked Robitaille two questions.  1. “What do you mean, you’re not Luc’s brother?” and 2. What will you bring to the Ottawa organization?  His response to #2?  “It’s Randy being Randy.”

8. Second Base – Chris Phillips (#4) – Job description: Second Base.  All defense, no offense.  Seems like a perfect fit to me.

9. Pitcher – Ray Emery (#1) – Pitcher is the goalie of baseball.  No one position has more say on the outcome of a game.  And since Emery seems to have developed chronic back problems, he’s already halfway to becoming the next Randy Johnson.

Closer – Brian McGrattan (#16) Plan on him being used sparingly, for short periods of time, and only when the team needs the opponent punched out.



  1. If they bring in Larry Walker to manage and Tom Glavine as pitching coach, they could win the NL West.

  2. My other goalie’s name was also an ‘-ahbibulin’ and I dropped him early and picked up Gerber out of desperation. I’m an unintentional genius!

    (P.S. your article link doesn’t actually have a link in it)

  3. Despite my name having an H, T, and L in it, I suck with the HTML. Fixed now.

  4. I’ll see you on the plane to hell.

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