I had so much fun earlier this week highlighting the atrocious lockerspeak that the Associated Press fed us Tuesday that we’re going to continue that theme today. And here to help us with today’s edition is Dunder Mifflin’s Regional Manager of the Scranton branch, Michael Scott. We’re really excited to have you.
Michael Scott: (giggles incessantly) Thaaaaaat’s what she said!
Ok, this was a terrible idea.
Rangers 4, Devils 2 – Quoteth Henrik Lundqvist, “It feels good. It’s great for him to reach that, but not tonight.” King Henrik speaks of Martin Brodeur’s inability to pick up his 500th victory last night, as the Blueshirts won 4-2 at Jersey. Some solutions to Brodeur’s sudden waffleboard dysfunction? Don’t let rookies score goals on you. Greenhorns Marc Staal, Brandon Dubinsky, and Nigel Dawes lit the lamp to pull within one point of the division leading Flyers.
Oilers 1, Canucks 0 (SO) – What did you think of this socceresque matchup, Mathieu Garon? “I felt good in the shootout. I knew it could have went long with Roberto in net.” Wow. While that may be some high praise from one netminder to another, it raises a more important question. Do goalies move faster than everybody else in real life? They wear 40 pounds of pads each night, and then afterwards, they get to move about unhindered. It’s like running out of the ocean and onto the sand. Once you hit land, you become an Olympic sprinter. If so, I’d stay out of Luongo’s bedroom anytime soon. (I mean ever. Crap.) (Note, I realize if it was an AP writer that wrote what Garon said, Roberto would have went luong in net. God, I hate beat writers.)
Sharks 4, Stars 3 (SO) – “The shootout was a little nerve-racking. I made a little move and got off a quick shot.” Spoken like a true rookie. Devin Setoguchi continued his conquest of Texas with a goal and another during the shoot-out. Looks like the GM Brett Hull Era is a complete failure. Also, here’s a quote from San Jose coach Ron Wilson. “If I were a betting man, you’d be nuts if you go against the Stars and for us.” Ron, if you played for my team, you’d be doing suicides until you learn proper pronoun use.
Blue Jackets 4, Blackhawks 2 – ‘Hawks Coach Denis Savard is a little concerned with his team’s ability to perform: “Our emotion from the last game, we couldn’t match it.” Denis, you should try some new things. Maybe some music to get your guys in the mood. Candles are nice ambience. We hear Robert Lang is partial to bubble baths. Then maybe the next time, your defenseman Jim Vandermeer won’t spend the end of regulation trying to punch Rick Nash in the mouth. This is how divisional games need to end, people.
Lightning 6, Hurricanes 1 – According to Captain Redbeard Mike Commodore, “You can’t give a guy like that opportunities all night. He’s going to score.” According to the lacrosse coach from American Pie, “You don’t score until you score.” Vincent Lecavalier doesn’t have time to watch teen comedies from 1999 or listen a guy who wore a bathrobe during the playoffs. He was too busy scoring a hat trick and adding two assists to continue Tampa’s dominance over the Southeast Division rivals. In unrelated news, I’m pretty sure we can make Gary Bettman’s head a-splode if we trade Martin St.Louis to the Blues. Get on that, LeNoc.