Making Puck: Army of Darkness Edition

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Shout out to Vulcanized Rubber for suggesting today’s theme.

Now listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my boom stick! Daniel Alfredsson fired his boom stick at the Sabres twice in the first period, as the Sens continue to roll through the Eastern Conference. Martin Gerber was once again spectacular in goal. The primitive screwheads from Buffalo continued an amazing streak, as they have not held a lead in regulation in eight straight games.

Klaatu. Verada. N-n-necktie! Nickel! It’s an N word. It’s definitely an N word. The Flyers were close, matching the Rangers goal for goal through regulation. But Brendan Shanahan had the winner in the shootout to go with his regulation goal, and spoiled the Flyers’ perfect-to-that-point home record.

My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D. and I am being dragged to my death. It wasn’t always like this. I had a normal life, once. That was Andrew Raycroft. He had a normal life, too, once, when he was Boston’s goalie. Last night he was just Boston’s bitch, as they pumped five goals past him, prompting taunts from the always-classy Boston faithful. Do the Leafs have a goaltending problem? Oh, yes they do.

Well hello Mr. Fancypants! Well, I got news for you pal. You ain’t leading but two things, Jack and shit. And Jack just left town. Glen Hanlon may or may not be a snappy dresser. But his tenure as head coach of the Caps won’t last much longer if they continue losing like this. Last night it was Florida, led by Kamil Kreps, that beat Washington in a lackluster 2-1 game. Ovechkin once again was the sole source of Washington offense.

Yo, she-bitch! Let’s go! That wasn’t a very nice thing for Georges Laraque to say to Hockey Jesus. But Laraque had the last laugh, scoring the game-winner for the Penguins, albeit with an assist from HJ. Sergei Gonchar, who is the most likely to ultimately fill the Judas role, also had a goal for Pittsburgh.

Gimme some sugar, baby. The Predators earned a sweet, sweet victory over the Blackhawks, scoring three times in the third period to tie the game before Martin Erat put it away in OT. Nikolai Khabibulin was the goat, unable to persevere after Johnathan Toews and his knaves scored three in the second to put the Hawks ahead.

Hail to the king, baby. In this case, it was the Kings doing the hailing, falling 6-3 to the reigning NHL champs. Corey Perry and Chris Kunitz powered the Ducks to a 3-game winning streak. Anze Kopitar had a goal and an assist for the Kings. He’s got an ugly mug, but boy his hands sure are pretty.

Goody little TWO SHOES! Goody little TWO SHOES! Two goals from Joe Pavelski and one from red-hot Devin Setoguchi helped the Sharks pound the everloving crap out of the Coyotes. Alex Auld got yanked after allowing three goals on 18 shots. Tellqvist was even worse in relief, allowing three on just 12 shots.

Oh you little bastards! I’ll crush each and every last one of you! I’ll squash you so hard you’ll have to look down to look up! Derek Boogaard didn’t actually need to do any squashing in this one, as the Wild ran all over the Oilers without resorting to actual physical violence. Eric Belanger had four assists, and Mark Parrish stopped jamming to Nickelback long enough to score a goal.

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2 Comments

  1. Thanks- made my week!

    Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

  2. ’tis a thing of beauty. Bravo! Good Show, old bean!


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