Olli Jokinen is Amused by the Simplicity of this Game

(You see those categories over to the right?  We use them to organize our collective hockey thoughts so that you, the reader, may find focused comedy on the topic of your choosing.  After all, why should we make you go through the trouble of sifting through our many posts when all you’re looking for is exclusive Horrible Boning Accident content?  Anyways, if you Florida Panther fans were to click on, well, “Panthers,” all you’ll get is a bunch of Making Pucks (Makings Puck?) in which Florida got a mention by merely existing as an NHL team.  Well, I have good news for our Miami readership: I’m finally going to throw you a bone here.  (But not of the horrible accident variety.)

SM-Liga? AWESOME!!!Does anyone have a record around here that needs breaking?

Seriously, I’m looking for something to break.  I’d prefer that it were a Panther team record, but to be honest, anything will do.  I was this close to getting to break some warehouse windows on Versus’ dime, but they went with the Emo Kid from Philly.  Christ, that would have been awesome.  Back in Finland, I would have never gotten that opportunity.  My old friend Petteri got thrown in jail for a weekend for tripping in the markkinat and knocking over a säiliö of leipä.  It wasn’t even fresh leipä.  Don’t worry about old Pet, though.  He got a nice job with Rautaruukki despite his rap sheet.  But who the fuskkär cares about him?  Let’s talk about Olli.

All the press can talk about is whether or not my name has been mentioned in trade talks.  I understand why.  My team sucks.  We just played 7 games against our division and won 2 of them.  One of them was the Capitals, so that doesn’t even really count.  Why not trade YOUR BEST PLAYER WHO IS ON PACE TO STEAL ALL YOUR RECORDS?

While you all were so concerned about things like how Vokoun would be on a new team and how to spell Bouwmeester, Olli’s been etching his name in this storied franchise’s annals.  People of Miami, you finally have a scoring legend to recall fondly once I’m gone.  In a mere 21 games this year, I have wrenched the all-time Panthers Goals and Points records from the cold, dead hands of the Great…the Only…Scott Fückkïng Mellanby?

God rest His Soul.  (I think he finally died, right?  Yeah, he fell victim to the ever-deadly disease, being too damn old.)

Add those titles to my records of most game-winning goals and most shots on goal, you might as well re-name the team after me.  That’s right.  We’re the Miami Ollitrons from now on.  God, that makes us sound like a Transformer.  Awesome.  Let’s see the Thrashers try and win against a Transformer.

So what’s left to put on my mantle?  (This is a figurative question: mantles in Finland are vertical, and thus, nothing can actually be placed on them.)  I’m 31 away from the assist record, which should be achievable by the end of the season, if I somehow find a way to get assists on my own goals.  Lord knows I can’t get them passing to Stephen Weiss.  And I’m only 4 back of Tom Fitzgerald’s hallowed short-handed goal mark of 12, so I suppose I could apologize for calling penalty killing the work of “pussyrabbits.”  “But Olli, what about plus-minus?  Don’t you want that?”  Listen here, that one’s impossible.  Have you seen our defense?

Or…I could go play quarterback for the Dolphins.

Hey, it could happen.

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1 Comment

  1. Vertical mantles…so that’s why the Finnish furniture store Ruukku never caught on stateside.


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