Making Puck: Blockhead Edition

Bitch.The other night, I caught the annual showing of “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” on network television. Only a half-hour long, this Charles Schultz holiday classic doesn’t exactly have the legs that the Halloween or Christmas specials do. So rather than glean less-than-memorable Thanksgiving quotes from it and abstractly link them to the night in the NHL, I give MYFO Nation the following rant.

Peppermint Patty! What the hell? Seriously. You can’t just invite yourself over to someone’s house and demand Thanksgiving dinner! Where do you get the stones to pull off a freeloader move like that? What??? You’ve invited Marcie and Franklin too??? Just because you come from a broken home that plans on serving Chef Boyardee and tree bark to commemorate the occasion doesn’t mean they do! Ever think that they might actually want to spend Thanksgiving with their families? But hey, it’s okay! I didn’t have anything better do to do. I wasn’t going to watch the first relevant Thanksgiving Lions game in a decade. I wasn’t going to have a long afternoon nap. I wasn’t going to take my retarded beagle for a leisurely walk. Perhaps I’d do it if I, you know, had any speck of physical attraction to you. If you were the Little Red-Haired Girl, I’d put out candles, flowers, and play some John Legend and then, and only then, I’d have a reason to give thanks. So unless you magically become her…

…go baste yourself.

After the jump, Hex regains his sensibilities and gives you what you came for: Making Puck.

Who says you can’t go home for Thanksgiving? – Chris Higgins is one of those unfortunate American players who after working hard all his life to make the professional hockey league based in his country now has to play for a Canadian team. Higgins, a Long Island native, visited home and scored his first (Ed. note: away) goal of the season to help the Habs down the Isles 4-1. Rick DiPietro was promptly promoted to New York’s VP of Scouting.

Hey, remember us? – Yes, Detroit. You’re all excited that you have a meaningful Turkey Day game at Ford Field, but how about a little love for the team that manages to win every year? The Red Wings, on the efforts of a resurgent Chris Osgood (10-1 this year) shut out the St. Louis Blues 3-0. But don’t feel bad LeNoceur. You’ve got the…Rams?

Markus Naslund Hates Pilgrims. – I have no other explanation as to why he snuck across the border last night and single-handedly outscored the Minnesota Wild. The Canucks’ captain scored a hat trick, shredded the family turkey in his skates, and smashed Plymouth Rock into a thousand tiny pieces. Thanks, jerk.

Buffalo Sabres: American Defenders: – When you give up three goals in the first period and attempt to defeat America on their home turf on the eve of a national holiday, it’s pretty unlikely you’re going to prevail. Ray Emery was back in net for the Senators, but did little to get in the way of any rubber as the Sabres won 4-2.

Olli Jokinen is Better than You – It’s not because his Panthers beat the Columbus Blue Jackets 5-2. It’s not because he had a power play assist, adding to his South Floridian legacy. It’s because he eschews the holiday tradition of breaking the wishbone for good luck. Instead, Olli swallows it whole. It makes him harsh.

You win this one, Lucifer. – Hockey Jesus had an uneventful night against his Father’s sworn enemy, although he did garner an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the third. Can’t he just absolve himself of his sins and negate the penalty? That would help Pittsburgh woeful penalty kill, which gave up both goals with the extra skater.

He knows a great Rilo Kiley song that describes this game – Daniel Briere, whose hat trick led the Flyers over the Hurricanes by a score of 6-3, likes to give his post-game interviews in the form of moody indie rock lyrics. Speaking of Rilo Kiley, does anyone else realize that the lead singer was the same girl from the Nintendo movie “The Wizard?” How did I not know this?

Reasonable Loss for a Reasonable Price – Rangers win over Tampa 2-1. Lightning defenseman Paul Ranger was a non-factor, which is probably for the best. If he scored, I’m pretty sure the world would have imploded.

Okay, I’ve deemed it remarkably unfair that Gary Bettman scheduled 11 games last night. How am I supposed to enjoy my holiday when I’ve got 11 games to re-cap? So as a personal affront to the Commish, I’m phoning in the rest of this – not unlike Charles Schultz and his Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. In other scores, we have Phoenix 4, Los Angeles 1; Stars 2, Ducks 1 (the Macy’s Parade balloon Marty Turco gets the win); and Thrashers 5, Capitals 1.

Glen Hanlon, be thankful you still have a job. (UPDATE: Or not.)

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3 Comments

  1. I wonder if Glen got to take leftovers with him home on the way out from the Verizon Center for the Thanksgiving dinner today!!! We knew this was coming because Uncle Ted had a sleepless night two nights ago. Sorry Glen! We liked you more than Butch Cassidy….

  2. I hate being a nitpicker, but I’ll do it anyway ’cause I’m a lawyer (read: asshole). Higgins scored his first away goal of the season. The joke is he had to go home to do it.

    I always felt there was some lesbian thing between Peppermint Patty and Marcy. Am I wrong?

  3. Hey, the Rams are on a roll…no, I’m not even going to defend that. Ummm, go Tigers?


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