Mediocrity? Priceless.

For everything else, there’s clipart.

While I may seem to devote my days to covering late-breaking hockey news in the forme du blogg, in reality I have a normal job that I do.  It helps pass the time between Flyers’ suspension announcments.  (Note to team: STOP DOING THAT.)  While the majority of the MYFO team are lawyers, I’m the accountant at the table.  So while the others are busy keeping us out of jail, I’m balancing our blog’s budget.  Has anyone seen where we misplace our revenue?

Having the eye of a financial analyst, I look at the world with dollars and sense.  So when I came across this NHL.com auction this morning, I pulled out the abacus and felt compelled to crunch some numbers.  But hey, it’s for charity, right?

Travel with the New York Islanders to Pittsburgh for the March 27th game

Item Description:Trip for 2 to travel with the Islanders team to Pittsburgh
Package includes:
Traveling on the team plane to Pittsburgh
Accommodations at the team hotel (hotel room to be shared)
Attending morning practice on March 27th
2 tickets to watch the Islanders play the Penguins
Return on the team plane back to Long Island
(In order to go on this trip you must present a passport.

Opening bid’s set at a cool $10k.  And since that’s a little rich for our MYFO budget (seriously, I know I put our revenue somewhere around here), let’s do a little cost analysis.  Where?  After the jump, of course.

Ok, first let’s do some basic pricing out of the main features of the package:

  • Airfare: According to Orbitz, I can get a roundtrip ticket from LaGuardia to Pittsburgh for the 26th-27th for $163.  Of course that’s for coach, and I’m an Islanders fan with cash to burn, baby.  Get me to first-class, damn it!  $1,463.  Yeah, that’s more like it, you cheap bastards.  So what if my favorite team isn’t actually on the same plane as me?  Do you realize how many shrimp cocktails I can wolf in an hour-forty?  Maybe I’ll even catch Bee Movie in-flight.  I hate waiting for the DVD to come out. 
  • Hotel:  Ok, I don’t know for sure which hotel the Islanders like to stay, so we’re just going to pull the first one off of Mellon Arena’s list.  Ah, the Doubletree in Bigelow Square.  (Mitch Hedberg would have called it Quadrupletree, rest his soul.)  1 room please!  How much?  $199 a night?  Chump change, my good man! 
  • Practice: According to LetsGoPens.com, practices in Pittsburgh are free and open to the public.  I find it ridiculous that the Isles could charge another city to view their practice, so this one’s probably free.  If that’s the case, I demand to sit in a folding chair at center ice, so that I may ask Mike Comrie for tips with the ladies.
  • Tix:  Mellon Arena, I want the two best tickets in the house.  Even with Ticketmaster fees, we’re only talking $157.25  Damn, am I a high roller.
  • Passport:  Think mine’s expired.  That’s another $75, I think.

Cost so far: $1,894.25. 

Amount left in opening bid? $8,105.75

Things the Islanders Can Do to Make My Bid Worth IT

  • “Hotel room to be shared?”  Ok, fine.  I want to room with Chris Simon, and scalp the bastard while he’s asleep, Mohican style.
  • If I were on the team plane, I’d want a seat at one of those team charter staples, the intrasquad poker game.  I’ll bluff big and scare off Bryan Berard.  He can’t see bluffs coming anymore.  Hell, he can’t see the stupid seat in front of him.
  • Trent Hunter needs to pay me some of his signing bonus he just made to play centerfield for the Angels.
  • After practice, go to morning Mass with Miro Satan.
  • Double the amount of shrimp cocktails on the plane from before.
  • Sit on the bench during the game.  Make Wade Dubielewicz stand the whole time.
  • Replace all the parts about the Islanders with the Flyers.  Make it so, Mr. Snow.

In hindsight, $10k seems like an awful lot to pay so that I can visit Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in winter.

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8 Comments

  1. Umm, am I the only one who would pay the remaining $8,105.75 if Hillary Duff and my genitalia were somehow involved?

  2. Points for the Hedberg reference.

    Wouldn’t the leftover cash be better spent on hookers and blow?

  3. MYFO: When Pittsburgh needs to get ripped, we’ll be there.

  4. Hey, it’ll be March. Just in time for another exciting season of your Pittsburgh Pirates!

  5. I’m not sure why you need a passport to travel from new York to Pennsylvania. Maybe that’s why it’s so expensive–it’s that three-hour layover to play some craps in Antigua.

  6. If you also get a one on one with Sidney Crosby where he can tell you how speed is a big part of the new NHL it might be worth the 10K, right?

  7. That’s how much tickets cost in Pittsburgh? That’s in the binocular section in Detroit, those bastards

  8. If she brings along her rack from fridays cultural oddsmaker I’d drop the whole 10 G’s on mademoiselle Duff. I said it before, I’ll say it again… I’ll Huff it to Duff.


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