It’s about time, asshole.


So Scott Neidermeyer is coming back to the Ducks. He decided to hold off on retirement for one more year, and collect what’s left of his SIX MILLION DOLLAR SALARY to play hockey for a living. Listen up, fuckstick. You’re not Roger Clemens. You can’t come back halfway through the year, suck like a Vietnamese teenager, and expect the fans to still love you. You lost out on a third of your salary to sit on your ass jerking off into a towel, you lost your C, and your team is treading water, tied for the last playoff spot in the West, one game above .500. And before you crawl up my ass, I know he claims this wasn’t about money, and he wasn’t holding out for a new contract…but guess what? He bailed on his team, then decided he didn’t like not making a mint to play a game, and came back. That makes him an asshole.

So in the spirit of greedy, lazy cock knockers, join me after the jump for five team cancers I’d rather have playing on my favorite team than Scott Neidermeyer right now.

  1. Stephon Marbury – This jackbag could be sitting on a pile of money with a model on each arm, and two in his lap, and he would still complain…then he’d fuck the intern. But you know what? Starbury at least entertains the fans with his whining,so this puts him above Neidermeyer.
  2. Terrell Owens – Great when he wants to be, horrible every time else, and on a bad day? He may flip out and try to kill himself, leaving his PR chick with bad hair to try and rationalize his behavior. But yanno what? I’d rather have a suicidal egomaniac than an old jackass who fiddles around for two months before he decides what he wants to do with his life. Pondering the meaning of it all is what you do after the third bong rip after English Lit in your junior year of undergrad. Not when you’re in your 30s, and a fucking Stanley Cup Champion, and the captain of your team.
  3. Barry Bonds – Even post-indictment, I’d rather root for him than Neidermeyer. At least then, I could watch him hit some dingers, rather than learn the awful, awful truth.
  4. O.J. Simpson – That’s right, mother fuckers. I would rather risk my head being nearly severed because I returned a set of glasses to this douchebag’s ex than have to deal with Needles’ Hemming and Hawing.
  5. Jason Blake – Okay…so he’s not a team cancer…just an individual one. But fuck him anyway.


  1. Scott does look quite old for a man in his thirties. Hey, that’s something else he has in common with Brett Favre.

    He got his loser brother Rob the cup, so there’s nothing left now. Except the money. Hmmm.

    But still, the man is one of the best of all time.

  2. Also, nothing says “great teammate” like dicking around with “retirement” while your team craters into 11th place.

  3. Suck suck five dolla?

  4. @lenoceur – Wes Walz has no idea what you are referring to in your comment.

  5. “Jackbag” is my new favourite derogatory, and I will henceforth endeavour to work it into as many conversations as possible.

    Hey Darcy!! Come over here a minute, will ya??

  6. […] Cup, Niedermayer was almost sort-of maybe completely convinced he had played his final NHL game? Well he seems to have found the fire again, but will his teammates give a shit and will his little mid-season butane-lighter be enough to turn […]

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