Pyramid Schemes Can Kill

jump_72001.jpgThe following is a transcript of the March 8th, 2004 intermission chat between Head Coach Marc Crawford and his team, the Vancouver Canucks. At time of transcript, the Avalanche held a commanding 6-2 lead.

Crawford: Men, I wish I could say that we’re still in this one, but I just don’t believe it. That’s why I pulled Cloutier over 20 minutes ago. I kinda threw in the towel.
Dan Cloutier: Not a problem, Coach. It gave me time to shower and play a few games of this new NFL Street game on Linden’s PS2. I also straightened up the catering table, improved all the plastic cutlery with the skate sharpener, and caught up on some e-mails. You can bench me anytime.
Crawford: You see? Now that’s the work ethic we need on the ice. The only one who has given any effort whatsoever is Brad May, and if Brad May is your best player, why even bother?
Brad May: Coach, I’m, uh, standing right here.
Crawford: Sorry, Brad. Look, you’re playing a great game. You scored both our goals and fought Peter Worrell TWICE. You’re fucking harsh. But it doesn’t matter tonight. This game is over.
Henrik Sedin: Coach, is this one of those speeches where…
Daniel Sedin: …you’re using reverse psychology to pysch us up?
Crawford: Nope, it’s nothing of the sort. We suck at hockey. It’s time to turn our interests to other pursuits.
Mike Keane: Working on our special teams play?
Crawford: No, you middling journeyman forward. NOT HOCKEY. I’d like to take this time to introduce a business proposition. How would you like to be able to afford luxury goods at a fraction of the cost?
Henrik Sedin: Come…
Daniel Sedin: …again?
Crawford: Surely you two would love a set of bunk beds crafted out of the finest cherry wood?
Henrik Sedin: Would we? Why…
Daniel Sedin: …we certainly would!
Brent Sopel: Can I get a race car bed, coach?
Crawford: Anything. Look, the plan is simple. You can order anything from this massive catalog of goods for a fraction of the cost and then in turn, your old coach gets a cut of the revenue!
May: Coach, are you selling Amway?
Crawford: No!  All I’m saying is that you never know when your players’ association may disagree with the league owners and cause a season-crippling, fan-eradicating lockout – it’s good to have a backup plan.
Cloutier: (looks up from his e-mails) That’s sound business advice.
Keane: Shouldn’t we be getting back on the ice?
Crawford: Yeah, yeah. Shut up, Keane. I gotta make this quick. If you guys agree to buy something from the catalog, and then in turn become salesmen for this company, I guarantee I can get you a brand new iPod free. Because you guys are my team, and my team is family.
Henrik Sedin: Do I get one free?
Crawford: FREE!
Daniel Sedin: Do I get one free?
Crawford: FREE!
Sopel: Me too, coach?
Crawford: FREE!
What about Steve Moore of the Avalanche – I’m grabbing dinner with my old teammate him after the game. Can he get one free?
Crawford: No. Steve Moore must pay the price.

(just then, Todd Bertuzzi comes out of the bathroom. The rest is misguided history.)



  1. t’is a thing of beauty, good sir!

  2. I nearly passed out from reading this post. Awesome.

  3. Now it all makes sense. It’s Bert’s own fault for going to the bathroom.

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