The Avalanche has been walking the tightrope of mediocrity for the better part of a month now. The fans and players need to look to a leader of men to break the slump. The only problem is Joe Sakic has been off the ice since the beginning of December. Sure, the official party line is a “sore groin”, but Joe Sakic is infallible, so that just can’t be true. No, after some investigating, I have discovered what he has been doing all this time: Having the best day off ever:
7:30AM: Alarm goes off. Sends it flying out window with perfect wrist shot.
7:31AM: Ya, that’s right, Joe Sakic sleeps with a hockey stick. A hockey stick and a minimum of 3 of the Deal or No Deal girls, but not #25, fros belong on dudes only, bitch.
9:00AM: Wakes up, bangs Deal or No Deal model, demands contents of her suitcase.
9:45AM: Has usual breakfast of croûtons in a bowl with milk (that little thing over the “u” is how you know its good for you), Arrogant Bastard Ale, and a side dish of raspberry jelly. Laughs at people who drink “fizzy yellow beer”.
10:15AM: Takes shower. Makes shampoo mohawk.
10:30AM: Makes prank phone call to coach Joel Quenneville . Quenneville asks Joe to stay on the line so he can get his children’s names and then proceeds to try to sell him a Ford truck.
10:35AM: Hotwires Jose Theodore’s Prius, starts drive to LA.
11:15AM: Picks up hitchhiker.
11:30AM: Hitchhiker reveals that he has a strong dislike for Chinese food.
11:31AM: Joe Sakic kills hitchhiker over differences in cuisine preferences.
Noon: Distracted by smell of dead hitchhiker, drives off cliff. The car tumbles 2,000 vertical feet down and explodes.
12:01PM: Sakic emerges unscathed.
12:05PM: Chases down bighorn sheep. Rides it Vegas.
1:00PM: Arrives in Las Vegas. Throws sheep into Bellagio fountain to see how heavy it will get.
1:01PM: Fountain stops after all water is absorbed by sheep wool.
1:10PM: Sakic shears sheep, sells pelt as a delicacy to Chinese tourist for $200,000.
1:30PM: Puts all sheep pelt money on black. Ball lands on red. Sakic then explains to the manager who he is and is awarded the money he is owed. And also an Apache helicopter.
2:00PM: Sakic finds owner’s manual in glove box of Apache.
2:03PM: Joe Sakic is now an expert Apache pilot. Better than Nicholas Cage and Tommy Lee Jones combined in that crappy “Firebirds” movie. Proceeds to fly to LA.
2:45PM: Lands Apache at the writer’s strike picket line. Offers guarantee of all the writers’ demands for the last known whereabouts of Alan Ruck.
3:45PM: Finished filming for 30 Rock, bangs Tina Fey and that hot blond chick. The young one, not the funny one.
4:30PM: Drives to Alan Ruck’s house, demands to know why he wore a Detroit jersey in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Ruck explains he was a big Gordie Howe and Wings fan growing up.
4:31PM: Ruck receives a dried dog poop to the face via wrist shot, dies due to injuries.
4:35PM: Sakic performs “Twist and Shout” on Ruck’s now dead body. And not the crappy Beatles version, either, but the much more badass Isley Brothers version.
4:55PM: Gets back in Apache, launches rockets at George Clooney’s house for claiming to discover AIDS. In an ironic twist, Clooney survives, but is infected by the AIDS tipped rockets.
5:15PM: Makes emergency landing at Richard Gere’s house. Frees small herd of hamsters.
5:45PM: Stops in Nebraska for dinner.
5:49PM: Promises himself never to return to Nebraska.
6:00PM: Arrives at Wes Walz’ house. Finds the former player in drug induced coma.
6:05PM: Teaches the Walz children everything they will ever need to get through life.
6:15PM: Loads Walz into back of Apache, flies him to rehab.
7:00PM: Apache runs out of gas, crashes into Dany Heatly’s house.
7:02PM: Heatly shrugs it off as karma, goes back to being a tool.
7:45PM: After lengthy negotiations, convinces beavers to tow him to Quebec in return for a second guest appearance on 30 Rock.
8:15PM: Walks around the streets of Quebec City, flipping off people for being French.
8:30PM: Rides bike to Pittsburgh
8:45PM: Arrives in Pittsburgh
9:00PM: Forces Sidney Crosby to kneel before him in honor of all his greatness. Crosby complains to refs.
9:15PM: Hops on plane back to Denver.
10:45PM: Sakic has already stopped two separate terrorist attacks on the plane, revived a fat chick who didn’t take her blood pressure medication, and is now flying the plane after both pilots got sick from eating the fish. Complains to flight attendant it has been a boring flight.
11:15PM: Arrives at DIA. Fat guy gets on the moving sidewalk in front of Sakic, stops walking, and refuses to get out of the way.
11:16PM: Fat man receives wrist shotted ball of used tampons to back of the head, lives to tell the tale.
11:30PM: Arrives back home, orders poo-poo platter for dinner.
11:45PM: Watches Deal or No Deal during dinner, picks out tonight’s winners.
11:58PM: Finds cure for cancer, AIDS, and Parkinsons. Decides it can wait till morning.
11:59PM: Pleases #16, #23, and #5.