During one of my frequent perusals of the fine site NHL.com, I happened upon a little area I have never seen before in my visits. It was the Mascot Madness page. What I first discovered was that according to the information provided, only 20 teams currently have mascots. The second thing I discovered is that NHL mascots are, for the most part, pretty lame. So I delved a bit deeper, using various sources and utilizing the rapidly dwindling funds remaining in the MYFO coffers (hey, bail and bribery aren’t cheap!) and discovered some shocking information about these so-called “entertainment enhancers”. After the jump, let’s get to know the NHL mascots a little more than perhaps we need to, shall we?
Harvey the Hound (Canis Cunnilingus) – Calgary Flames: Perhaps the most well-known mascot in the NHL and a real hit with the female subset of hockey fans, Harvey entertains the, um, Calgarians (?) with his on-ice antics and silly shenanigans. Some quick factoids:
Once participated in a threesome with 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics Mascots Hidy & Howdy.
Achieved notoriety in 2003 when Edmonton Oilers coach Craig MacTavish viciously ripped out his tongue. Many people believed the cause to be Harvey’s relentless taunting of the Oilers bench but it was later discovered that MacTavish walked in on Harvey with his head buried between his wife’s legs. Woof! Woof! Aroooo!
Sabretooth (Panthera Vaginae) – Buffalo Sabres: With a height listed as “very big” and a weight as “huggable”, Sabretooth is the NHL mascot version of Santa Claus – I think. He also signs “paw-tographs” with his left paw, you know, for kids. Other nuggets that they don’t tell you on NHL.com include:
Is actually the twin brother of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes mascot Tony the Tiger. Their relationship soured after Tony turned to the ‘roids to bulk up and Sabretooth was savagely beaten during an attempt to stage an intervention on Tony’s behalf. Since then, Sabretooth is very sensitive and easily rattled.
Was once put on “medical leave” by the Sabres when Sabretooth was overheard by stadium staff informing a 13 year old girl that if she joined him in his van, he would show her “what else he can do with his left paw”. No formal charges were ever filed.
Stormy (Sus Sitophilas) – Carolina Hurricanes: According to his page, Stormy likes to “ham it up” all the time and “hogs up as much Jumbotron time as possible”. Wah wah wahhhh… other tidbits include:
According to medical records obtained by MYFO via questionable means (thanks, Rod Brind’Amour!), Stormy has an “unnatural obsession” with food. In fact, in 2003, Stormy was arrested at a grocery store in suburban Raleigh where police discovered Stormy in the frozen foods section cooling his genitals off in a bucket of melted ice cream with a frozen loaf of garlic bread shoved up his ass. A condition of his probation is that he has to purchase his groceries from a home delivery food service.
Stormy’s favorite movies are Porky’s and Why Does This Zucchini Smell Funny?, Volume 26.
(Site Note: Coming Soon – More Mascots!)
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