The MYFO Hatiquette

Reading Can be Fun.For those of you with Versus (read: both of you), you may have caught the Battle of Pennsylvania last night, as the Flyers and Penguins skated to a 2-2 tie at the Wachovia Center.

Wait, I forgot about Joffrey Lupul’s hat trick.  Make that 5-2.

Wait, I forgot about R.J. Umberger’s hat trick.  Make that 8-2.  There, much better.

So, in a long overdue vengeance game, the Flyers defeated a team that owned them (8 times) last season.  And thanks to Lupul and Umberger, many a Philly fan has been forced to add “new Flyers hat” to their last-minute Christmas list.  A hat trick in hockey is the NHL’s version of making it rain.  The subterranian arena maintenance staff gets choice pick at some new lids, the crowd goes insane while the Ice Girls bend over in spandex to retrieve said hats, and nobody dies on account of reckless gunfire.  Everybody wins!

After the jump, the MYFO Public Service Department reveals the Do’s and Don’ts of Hat Trick Celebrations: The Hatiquette.

  • DO show your support for your home team’s hat trick by throwing your hat onto the ice following the third goal. 
  • DON’T ask the ushers how you can retrieve your hat once the game is over.  Nobody cares.
  • DO aim for the shamed goalie as he skates dejectedly towards the bench, for he has been pulled.
  • DON’T throw non-hat items, such as beverages, food, and small children at the goalie.  Goalies get very hungry during the game, and you don’t want to be the one to explain to Mom why your kid brother was eaten by Nikolai Khabibhulin.
  • DO throw your hat on the ice promptly after the goal. 
  • DON’T wait until the the ref is about to drop the puck at the next face-off.  If you do, coaches are allowed to send enforcers into the stands after you.
  • DO steal your buddy’s hat and throw it if he’s being a whiny bastard about how he just bought it or that he got it signed by Karl Dyhuis back in 1998.
  • DON’T throw a tantrum if your buddy steals your hat and throws it.  If you really liked that hat, you would have tried harder to protect Dykhuis’ good name.
  • DO bring a sombrero to a game, but only once, for the perfect moment in the space-time continuum when a player scores a hat trick on the night you just happened to have brought a sombrero.
  • DON’T bring a sombrero to EVERY game.  You can’t marry yourself to just one punchline.  You become the Jerk Store George Costanza of your section instantly.
  • DO wear a relevant hat to a game, so that it makes sense when you see it lying on the ice later.  Hats of your city’s various teams are acceptable.
  • DON’T smuggle in a back-up hat in your coat so that you can save the hat you’re wearing.  That’s cheating, and cheaters have to go to the penalty box.
  • DO purchase a hat next time you see a game in Vancouver.  They offer Hat Trick Insurance, and will reimburse you if you throw your brand new lid onto the ice.
  • DON’T call Geico to ask how you can save up to 15% on your Hat Trick Insurance.  Won’t work.
  • DO support the cause by throwing any hat that hits you on account of a weak throw onto the ice.  You can’t help that some people can’t afford good seats.
  • DON’T hide that hat under your coat if it’s particularly awesome.  Also cheating.
  • DO clap and cheer to whatever extended music sequence the PA announcer has selected whilst the Collection of the Hats occurs.
  • DON’T point out to strangers that America’s third album was called “Hat Trick,” and that it featured the single “Muskrat Love.”  You’re a tool for knowing this, or for reading it on an irreverent hockey blog.
  • DO throw any magician you can find onto the ice.  If you are able to do that, my friend, you have just created most surreal moment in the history of hat trick celebrations.  Well done.

Ok, what the hell.  Here’s a free Ice Girl for getting to the bottom of this.  Go…Thrashers!?

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2 Comments

  1. I think a back-up hat is totally acceptable to throw, especially if it happens to be a hat giveaway night.

    Great list though.

  2. In the Altanta Ice Sluts picture, did someone really throw a bouquet of roses? What the fuck is this, figure skating? Did they throw teddy bears too? I hope the guy who gets the hat trick has to sit in the hug and cry area while they pick up the hats.


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