The Weekly Whoring: Gary Bettman Pimps Out Stanley Cup

1 Douche, 1 Cup

According to a report on NHL.com, Gary Bettman will be in New York City today participating in some ridiculous promotion for Disney’s brand new suckfest of a movie, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, which stars the increasingly unwatchable Nicolas Cage (does anyone remember the last good film he was in?). The most troubling aspect of the whole damn thing (other than Gary Bettman being allowed out in public) is he is whoring out Lord Stanley’s Cup and bringing it along with him. Usually, we reserve The Weekly Whoring for when we here at MYFO bend over and take it up the metaphorical poop chute for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that, yes, we are whores, but this was way too juicy to pass up.

Just exactly what demographic is Disney targeting when they use Gary Bettman to help promote a movie? Douchebags? People who like douchebags? Maybe Bud Selig was just too busy with Clemensgateamania, and Gary was a last-minute sub.

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Hextall454: According to the article, “New Yorkers may see something other than sleighs dashing through the snow as fans of the Walt Disney Pictures’ and Jerry Bruckheimer Films’ National Treasure franchise will see six teams of puzzle enthusiasts enter the globe-trotting, clue-hunting, code-breaking world of Nicolas Cage’s intrepid treasure hunter, Benjamin Franklin Gates, when the National Treasure Book of Secrets Clue Hunt culminates with Friday’s Grand Prize final Hunt in Manhattan, the morning after the film’s world-wide premiere, it was announced today by Cherise McVicar, Senior Vice President, National Promotions and Mobile Marketing, Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.”  Ok, great.  I have two thoughts on this.  First off – to the intern in the NHL.com PR department: You will not get fired for starting more than one sentence in a paragraph.  Commas are a privilege, but not a right.

Moving on…I see we have six teams running around NYC like idiots today, looking for the Cup (I think.)  Upon Fuhrer Bettman’s insistence, these six teams have been named after the Original Six, and therefore, have already assumed distinct treasure hunting personalities.

  • The Rangers: Team runs into the first Brookstone they see immediately, overpay for an overhyped set of GPS systems, and then complain when their best laid plans leave them mediocre.

  • The Red Wings: Self-proclaimed favorites, they plan to celebrate in “Treasuretown” upon completion.  Apparently, none of their friends and family care, however, because a group of nearby tourists just traded for Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.

  • The Blackhawks: It’s the adorable youngsters from Kid Nation!  Will we get unified leadership from the town council, or can we expect – HEY, LOOK! FAO SCHWARTZ!  LET’S GO!

  • The Bruins: Had this treasure hunt occurred last year, they’d be way better off.  It’s a shame that their team captain, a descendant of Vasco da Gama, moved to the Bay Area.

  • The Canadiens: Will lose interest once they find out that the treasure is in American dollars, and the exchange rate still sucks.

  • The Maple Leafs: Aren’t there French-Canadian cabbies in this town that still hold a hatred for Mats Sundin?

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    Weed Against Speed: Additionally, according to the article, the “National Treasure Book of Secrets Clue Hunt” is sponsored by the NHL, South Dakota Tourism, RippleTV, Scottish Rite of Freemasonry and Mercedes-Benz. Remember that episode of Cheers when Cliff Clavin appears on Jeopardy and after dominating the first two rounds he goes down in flames during Double Jeopardy with his moronic response, “Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?” Well, that’s about the only similarity I could come up with regarding these organizations – they have never been in my kitchen.

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    The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: Ever hear the phrase “hiding in plain sight”? That’s what Bettman’s doing with the Cup. This whole “Pimp My Nic Cage Bomb” ruse is being used to cover up the true conspiracy.  And it’s all hidden in the names on the Stanley Cup. How else could you explain the many spellings of Jacques Plante’s name? Or “Bqstqn”? Let’s see… take every 10th letter, ROT-13 the result…

    e-a-t-a-d-i-c-k-w-i-n-n-i-p-e-g-y-o-u-w-i-l-l-n-e-v-e-r-g-e-t-t-h-e-j-e-t-s-b-a-c

    Hmmph. I guess we’ll have to wait for this year’s Finals to see what it says.

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    2 Comments

    1. I can’t possibly post a comment that will top o radd to any of this. +20 and an imaginary internet high five to all involved

    2. In answer to the Nic Cage question… Raising Arizona.


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