Claiming Hockey is Now Too Easy for Him, Marian Gaborik Plans to Hang Up Skates and Become A Formula One Driver


Five goals, man. Five freaking goals. Someone told me this was first time someone score five goals in NHL game since Sergei Federov did ten years ago. That is the tits, man, as you people say. This hockey stuff getting too easy for me. I’m like gigantic monsters in old video game Rampage and I go destroy building and shit and Army helicopter cannot stop me, I keep climbing and grabbing sexy lady out of windows and shove in my mouth but I’m on the ice and buildings is pucks and…umm…

Shit, that not make sense but you know what I mean. I own Rangers last night. Henrik Lundqvist ain’t nothing. God, I hate Swedish. And Slovakian team would have kicked Swedish ass in Turin in semifinals if we do not eat our asses against fucking Czechs in quarterfinals. Whatever. I treat Lundqvist like Swedish nanny last night. That is why I have “Slovakians Do It Better Than Swedes” bumper sticker on Escalade.

You know, if I totally dominate a Gold medal-winning goalie like that, what is point? I have proven all I need to in NHL. That is why I hang up skates and become Formula One race car driver.

Marian is big Formula One fan (I’m starting referring to myself in third person – is that not what all great American athletes do?). I even got a bitchin’ racing simulator in house. Check it out:

Pretty frickin’ sweet, no? Now that Marian have it down on simulator, it will not be hard to transfer it to real thing, right? Marian has made ton of money playing NHL. And Marian want to use money to race cars and it is the life of Marian, it is not? To tell truth, it get very boring when Marian is not playing hockey. Marian use to have fun to hang with my friend Pavol but now all Pavol wants to do is sit at home on American sofa and watch Friends. The show is okay (girl playing Rachel is super sexy!) and Chandler man very funny but young person Marian’s age need more fun than DVD watching.

I think Marian to go tell Coach Lemaire today about plan. Marian pretty sure Coach Lemaire will understand. No, Coach Lemaire scares shit out of Marian and may make my friend Pavol angry and Pavol not nice man when angry. Maybe Marian play couple more years of NHL. Marian think he can score 7 goals in game. And Marian think not enough Swedes in Formula One. Marian hates Swedish people.



  1. Meh heh. Heh.

  2. Forget the goals – I want to see the part where the team carried him off the ice, but none of the videos have it! Outrageous, I tell you. Though I hear you get hoisted quite often in racing…

  3. Maybe he should just go to the Michael Schumacher school of cab driving.

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