The Penguins Bring You The Localest Local Commercial That Ever Localed

Move over, Kurt Angle Pizza Outlet commercial — the Pittsburgh Penguins (namely Colby Armstrong, Maxime Talbot, Sergei Gonchar, and Evgeni Malkin) have joined forces to create perhaps the most brain-searing commercial in the history of local Pittsburgh commercials, and, arguably, in the entire rich pantheon of great local-athlete commercials. But wait, you ask — doesn’t Malkin not speak English? Well, Max Talbot can’t beat-box on a whim, either, and that ain’t stoppin’ him.

Screw the Cups. I have simply never been prouder to be a Penguins fan:

The Magical Mystery Tour Continues!

Polar Bears Hockey

As Weed so eloquently laid out for all you slackerjacks yesterday, the NHL has already booked their October travel plans for the 2008-2009 season. Having been to Prague a few years ago, I’ll gladly apply for MYFO’s press credentials from the league when the time comes. I’m sure Gary Bettman will have no problem forking those over.

So it appears that the frontier of the future for the NHL starts with England (they speak like we speak! We’ll be able to understand them when they mispronounce Kostitsyn and Radivojevic like we do!) After that, it’s onward to two nations, Sweden and the Czech Republic, with strong hockey leagues of their own and are an excellent provider of NHL talent. After that, though, the NHL hit a bit of a wall. Because of the Superleague that threatens to retain their own players, Russia and Finland are probably out as destinations. But fear not, fans of global hockey expansion. Gary Bettman has contingencies in mind, and I think you’re going to be more than happy with the result…

…eh?

NHL Plans to Open 2009-2010 season in Canada

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Kris Beech: The Pope of Pittsburgh

St. Kris

Hockey Jesus is dead (OK, temporarily disabled). Who shall serve in his stead? Who will be the Vicar of Sidney Christ on Earth until his Glorious Return? Not Evgeni Malkin, as some have suggested. No, St. Geno has always been in the “Paul” role, spreading Hockey Jesus’ message of peace, love and goals to the world.

The Cardinals of Mellon Arena met in a great conclave over the All-Star Break. When white smoke finally wafted out of that hole in the roof, the decision had been made: until his Return, the Church of the Sacred Goal will be headed by…Kris Beech.

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Teemu Selanne Returns From “Retirement” But Not For The Reasons One Would Suspect

Selanne with Cup

Teemu Selänne announced he will make his return to the Anaheim Ducks lineup after signing a 1 year contract with the club yesterday, joining Scott Niedermayer as the second Duck to hem and haw for half a season only to come back when it was convenient for them. Both guys are team players all the way around, in my opinion.

Either way, I’m sure their fellow Ducks are pleased to have them back in the fold – especially Selänne, who led the team in goals, points, power play goals, game-winning goals, shots and shooting percentage last season. It’s surprising why a player who had so much left in the tank would “retire” in the first place. Said Ducks’ Vice President/General Manager Brian Burke:

“It took Teemu several months to determine if he had the passion and determination to return to the NHL, and we are thrilled to have him back.”

Of course you are, Brian. Why wouldn’t you be? The thing is, Teemu did not tell you the real reason he came back, and it wasn’t because his passion for playing the game of hockey had somehow miraculously returned. Selänne came back because he was broke due to some horrible business investments. Continue reading

The Penguins and Senators are Getting Totally Screwed By Having to Play Overseas Next Season; The Rangers and Lightning? Not So Much

Stag in Prague

In his sublimely entertaining appearance in the broadcast booth during Sunday night’s All-Star Game, Gary Bettman formally announced to the world (or those of us who have Versus and were actually watching the game – alright – a couple hundred of us) that four NHL teams will be playing games in Europe next season. According to the Bettster, the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Ottawa Senators will play in Stockholm, Sweden, while the New York Rangers and Tampa Bay Lightning will play in the Czech Republic city of Prague.

Oh sure, we could get bogged down in the news that the NHLPA ain’t too happy with Bettman’s announcement, as they haven’t formally agreed to participate in yet another one of Bettman’s wacky schemes, but where is the fun in that? All that it really boils down to is this: the Penguins and the Senators got jacked by having to play in Stockholm while the Rangers and Lightning should be thrilled at the location where they get to play. Why, you ask? It’s simple, really: porn and hardcore sex, and lots of it. Continue reading

What, No Hannah Montana?

He’s a cowboy, babyThe St. Louis Blues, looking to make a marketing comeback from their short-lived “drink yourself stoopid” promotion, are looking to entice a few more fans to Tuesday night games by making the ultimate crossover pitch: washed-up rock acts that also cannot sell their own tickets. This new promotion goes by the catchy title of “Rock’N Tuesdays.”

Aside from the questionable spelling and/or punctuation, the deal goes like this: buy a ticket to a Tuesday night Blues game for $30, and get a free (that’s right, free!) ticket to your choice of Santana or Kid Rock.

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Get On the Snake, or Get Out!

 

Our performance last night was atrocious. You figure that a group of professionals would go out there and give it their all for a team. I’m not saying that fealty is necessary, but I’d expect some measure of effort and interest in your job.

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