Good morning and Happy New Year, cats and kittens.
Your favorite MYFO writers are currently gathering, slowly but surely, to liveblog the Winter Classic. After the jump, we’ll be posting a running transcript at each commercial break. Follow along in the comments!
The game hasn’t started yet, meatheads. But comment anyway!
1:17 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed has joined the conference.
Reasonable Doubt: Okay, here we go.
Weed Against Speed: Here we go…
Reasonable Doubt: Have the Pens had these light blue jerseys all year?
Weed Against Speed: Colby Armstrong is my favorite player other than Cheddar Johnson.
Reasonable Doubt: How much of a goddamn masochist do you have to be to willingly sit in 20 degree weather, 40 mph winds, and snow to watch hockey?
Weed Against Speed: No one circles the wagons like the citizens of Buffalo, NY.
Reasonable Doubt: And apparently, Vinny Tremblay.
Weed Against Speed: I think twoeightnine is there as well.
Reasonable Doubt: Poor bastards. Should I mention again that it’s 73 degrees outside and I have the door to the balcony open?
Reasonable Doubt: This guy is way too fucking excited to be sitting in the middle of hell.
Weed Against Speed: Fuck off. I guess it is a balmy 20 degrees in Saint Paul, so I can’t complain.
Reasonable Doubt: No one is busting out the Jose Theodore ski mask this year, I guess.
Weed Against Speed: Bob Costas needs to get a Sable hat from Bob Sackameno.
Reasonable Doubt: Surprisingly, this is the most athletic action held in Ralph Wilson Stadium in months,
Weed Against Speed: I think they had a rodeo there back in September…
Reasonable Doubt: …god damn that place sucks.
Reasonable Doubt: So, are we giving odds for how long it takes Hextall and LeNoc to wake up?
Weed Against Speed: Over/under at 20 minutes…I’m on my second screwdriver and have had a shot of Dr. McGillicutty’s, so I’m shaking off the cobwebs quite well.
Raskolnikov has joined the conference.
Reasonable Doubt: Welcome, Rask.
Reasonable Doubt: It’s snowing very….very hard.
Weed Against Speed: Ahoy hoy, Rask.
Raskolnikov: sorry about that
Weed Against Speed: RD, that’s what she said.
Raskolnikov: Those bags that Edzo put on his feet? Gucci.
Hextall has joined the conference.
Reasonable Doubt: Now it’s a party!
Weed Against Speed: Hex!
Hextall: ‘Tis I.
Reasonable Doubt: FIRE!
Weed Against Speed: So we are going to liveblog the show after this game, right? I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait for figure skating to the soothing sounds of Seal.
Reasonable Doubt: Those flames aren’t for the entrance. They’re for survival.
Weed Against Speed: James Hetfield just had a panic attack.
Reasonable Doubt: Only if he does Kiss From a Rose
Raskolnikov: No Rodents of Unusual size?
Hextall: It’s time like this that you wish Ralph Wilson Stadium was a retractable dome.
1:26 PM EST Update
Weed Against Speed: Scott Norwood just got cut off. Stupid servers.
Raskolnikov: Darren, take off those stilts
Weed Against Speed: Sidney!!!!1!1!
Reasonable Doubt: Stay warm, play hard.
Reasonable Doubt: I need that on a t-shirt.
Weed Against Speed: “Play warm, stay hard” may be better.
Reasonable Doubt: Holy shit–Howard Finkel is singing the national anthem
Reasonable Doubt: Welcome to Wrestlemania!
Weed Against Speed: Is this where I take off my pants or my hat?
Reasonable Doubt: You’re wearing pants?
Hextall: O, canuckistan! We wear no pants for thee!
Weed Against Speed: Problem solved! (/Alec Baldwin on SNL)
Reasonable Doubt: Shut up and sing!
Reasonable Doubt: Wait, we sent the Irish Tenors to Afghanistan?
Weed Against Speed: Irish tenor? He should be way too hungover for this! You’re letting us Irishmen down! Unless he pukes.
Weed Against Speed: They wanted Toby Keith.
Reasonable Doubt: 3/1 odds say no one knows the lyrics to God Bless America in Buffalo
Raskolnikov: Can Andrew Peters deck this guy already?
Reasonable Doubt: …come to think of it, I don’t know the words to it, either.
Hextall: Buffalo: The Town that God Forgot
Weed Against Speed: I can’t believe he grabbed his crotch at the end. Crazy.
Hextall: The Blackhawks are overhead?
Weed Against Speed: “Get me outta here!” – every resident of Buffalo.
Reasonable Doubt: Gary Bettman was too cheap for jets? He got blackhawk helicopters instead?
Hextall: I wasn’t watching the screen – I thought he was talking about Chicago.
Reasonable Doubt: If this was a three-way game, I’d probably have flown up to watch.
Weed Against Speed: Score!
Reasonable Doubt: SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Reasonable Doubt: COLBY ARMSTRONG!
Weed Against Speed: I love cheese!
Hextall: Great job, Son. — God.
Raskolnikov: Brian Campbell took all of Ronan’s drinks, I see.
1:36 PM EST Update –
Reasonable Doubt: Time to lose the toque, Miller.
Weed Against Speed: What the fuck is that thing?
Raskolnikov: This is how you get free beer eh
Reasonable Doubt: I actually have one of those in the shape of a Maple Leaf
Reasonable Doubt: But I look strangely like Foghorn Leghorn when I wear it.
Weed Against Speed: I said I said I like hockey I said.
Reasonable Doubt: Now look see here, boy…
LeNoceur has joined the conference.
Weed Against Speed: Hey LeNoc!
Reasonable Doubt: Shaking off the hangover?
LeNoceur: I will be in and out…after a week at my father in law, the3 wife invited the mother in law over to our place today
Hextall: You have 3 wives? That means three mothers in law.
Weed Against Speed: Sweet Jebus, LeNoc.
LeNoceur: Also, my laptop crashed
LeNoceur: Happy fucking New Year
Weed Against Speed: I crashed through the patio door last night.
Raskolnikov: Fuck the New Year, the Blues shut out the Wings
Hextall: 2008, brought to you by Amp Energy Drink.
LeNoceur has left the conference.
LeNoceur has joined the conference.
Weed Against Speed: I like the word “yank”.
Reasonable Doubt: Gonchar almost took someone’s head off with that slapshot
Raskolnikov: Darren Pang sounds like a child tugging on his parent’s shirt for attention.
Weed Against Speed: Nothing says outdoor hockey in Buffalo like Marilyn Manson tunes.
Reasonable Doubt: He was channelling Dwayne Robertson, juggling the puck on his stick
Reasonable Doubt: For those keeping score at home, that’s 1 Mighty Ducks reference.
Hextall: Cake eater.
Reasonable Doubt: 2
Weed Against Speed: When I juggle something with my stick they kick me out of the cafeteria at the high school.
Reasonable Doubt: I love how Buffalo tried to clear the puck and it got caught up on a pile of ice shavings.
LeNoceur: Try the back corner of the playground..the security cameras don’t reach there
Hextall: Aren’t you a little old/creepy to be hanging out in high school cafeterias?
1:41 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: That’s what my probation officer has told me…
Raskolnikov: Jean Sebastien Aubin? That’s the best you could do AMP?
Weed Against Speed: I’m wondering where Fes was for that commercial.
Reasonable Doubt: Nothing says Winter like the Vengaboys
LeNoceur: Due to laptop death, I am currently listening to Penguins radio online
Raskolnikov: Nothing promotes racial integrity like really white people playing the dozens.
LeNoceur: The announcer thinks that if the Penguins score right now, that would be a good thing
Reasonable Doubt: That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.
LeNoceur: Did you know that all 6 Buffalo D are lefthand shots?
Reasonable Doubt: Did you know there is no D in either Buffalo or Pittsburgh?
Hextall: that’s why you get paid the big bucks.
Reasonable Doubt: How much would it rock to see a fight in this game?
Reasonable Doubt: Bloody knuckles, struggling to breathe, just fucking wailing on each other.
Hextall: between goalies…
Weed Against Speed: I had a couple good hits on my last shift as well.
Weed Against Speed: Hex, they do “your momma” fights.
1:48 PM EST Update –
Hextall: When does Joe Namath try and kiss Darren Pang?
Weed Against Speed: There should be more Sidney Crosby commercials.
LeNoceur: Every chance he gets
Reasonable Doubt: So NBC gets stuck with Seattle and the Redskins next weekend?
Hextall: No. America does.
Raskolnikov: Do those jerseys help with Segway handling?
Reasonable Doubt: Poor bastards.
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, like you could have made that throw.
LeNoceur: If I were an NHL GM, I would write a “no Segway” clause into every contract
Raskolnikov: That zamboni’s heading to Boise for some BK at intermission
Reasonable Doubt: “I can hit you guys with this snowball!” “No you can’t.”
Hextall: The Florida Panthers flag should be flying at half-mast.
Reasonable Doubt: If the King came out and scored a goal, I swear I would go buy some Cini-Minis tomorrow morning.
Raskolnikov: Girls, where are you?
Weed Against Speed: “Inside the Glass”? How does he breathe?
Reasonable Doubt: “What was it like coming on the ice?”
Reasonable Doubt: Annnnnd…GO!
Weed Against Speed: Coming on the ice is rather erotic, I’d suspect.
LeNoceur: Somewhat like coming onto a glass tabletop, but colder
Reasonable Doubt: I’d suspect it’d be cold. And be careful, otherwise you have a tongue stuck to a lamp post moment.
1:56 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: Dino Ciccerelli probably knows all about coming on the ice.
Reasonable Doubt: The Sabres coaching staff are in high school letter jackets.
Reasonable Doubt: That’s badass.
Weed Against Speed: *Ciccarelli
Weed Against Speed: They should take all that snow and make Italian Ices.
Reasonable Doubt: Says the guy who just made a Dino Ciccarelli crack.
Raskolnikov: Put some fucking gloves on, man
Reasonable Doubt: The day I trade HDTV for the chance to watch hockey on my Crackberry, please shoot me.
LeNoceur: How Dino isn’t in the Hall of Fame, I just don’t know
LeNoceur: Wait, yes I do.
Reasonable Doubt: He’s in there.
Reasonable Doubt: He bought a ticket just last week.
Reasonable Doubt: He’s hiding in the handicapped stall.
Weed Against Speed: This game is having more stoppages than an Eddie Griffin cross country road trip.
Hextall: Is Gary Roberts dressed for this game?
Hextall: wait…that came out wrong.
Reasonable Doubt: I was just going to let that hang in the air.
Weed Against Speed: Dino got in some trouble when he was playing for the North Stars for going out and getting his newspaper with no clothes on.
Reasonable Doubt: So in this day and age…with all our advanced technology….
Reasonable Doubt: All we have to fix a chunk in the ice is a water bottle and compressed air?
Weed Against Speed: This game will be over about 7:00 p.m.
Reasonable Doubt: Poor Ryan Miller.
Reasonable Doubt: Bro looks frigid.
LeNoceur: That’s what she said?
2:00 PM EST Update –
Reasonable Doubt: Swing and a miss!
Raskolnikov: One timers on choppy ice, great idea guys
Hextall: Isn’t Tremblay at this game?
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, he’s going to be checking in via e-mail.
Weed Against Speed: Off the post!
Reasonable Doubt: If he hasn’t suffered frostbite yet
Weed Against Speed: Goal!!!
Reasonable Doubt: WOW! Nice save!
Weed Against Speed: No goal. Whoops.
Hextall: You sit on a throne of lies.
Reasonable Doubt: Crosby swung at the puck like he was going for a ground rule double.
Reasonable Doubt: One sec…I gotta back that up on the DVR
2:08 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: I sit on an Angry Chair.
Reasonable Doubt: That was a badass save.
Reasonable Doubt: Conklin tipped the puck with his glove and it bounced off the crossbar
Weed Against Speed: Foreigner…clever.
Reasonable Doubt: The rise at the center of the field is the only thing nine inches in Buffalo.
Weed Against Speed: That’s what she said (third time).
Reasonable Doubt: So was the moral of that story that the Staal brothers have a snow thief for a Dad?
Reasonable Doubt: “Wood is good”?
Raskolnikov: Wood is good
Reasonable Doubt: Seriously?
Weed Against Speed: Wood, Jerry – wood.
Reasonable Doubt: We here at MYFO thank NBC for providing us with this material.
Weed Against Speed: If only Bill Clement were still alive…
Hextall: I miss him.
Raskolnikov: Edzo is full of great material
Reasonable Doubt: 1st period is over, guys…go thaw out.
End of the 1st period – Penguins 1 — Sabres 0
2:24 PM EST Update – Intermission
Weed Against Speed: Shot time! Tip o’ the glass to you all.
Hextall: <- drinks
Reasonable Doubt: I’m truly amazed we have commenters that are awake right now.
Reasonable Doubt: God bless you folks for following along.
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, the snow has stopped–now the wind will start.
Raskolnikov: Oh god, here come the cliches.
Weed Against Speed: I think that one movie with D.B. Sweeney as a former hockey phenom is a far superior hockey movie. What?
Reasonable Doubt: Toe pick!
Reasonable Doubt: Bob Costas in 1973…..wow.
Weed Against Speed: Is Costas wearing a rug? Seriously, it looks like it.
Raskolnikov: Bob looked like Paul Banks
Reasonable Doubt: Yes. Yes he is.
Raskolnikov: it’s a bad dye job
Weed Against Speed: His son Kirby has a great head of hair.
Reasonable Doubt: Is it bad that I’m pumped for the new American Gladiators?
Raskolnikov: You and my little brothers
Reasonable Doubt: Ha Ha Ha–there’s an ice cream man driving around the neighborhood.
Reasonable Doubt: And he’s getting business.
Raskolnikov: Little kids are licking his cone?
Weed Against Speed: There’s a car driving around my neighborhood selling chili (not really).
Reasonable Doubt: If they are, I’ll probably be getting a phone call tomorrow.
Hextall: In-Game Update: The Capital One Bowl is warmer.
Weed Against Speed: What’s in your wallet??
Reasonable Doubt: You have to hand it to the people who promote FloMax
Reasonable Doubt: Whenever I hear “You may have a decrease in semen”, I look to see what’s going on.
Raskolnikov: FloMax: the official sponsor of the Dave Matthews tour bus
Weed Against Speed: RD, if you take too much, it’s just a puff a smoke that comes out.
Reasonable Doubt: That actually sounds kind of cool.
Reasonable Doubt: If my girlfriend can learn to blow smoke rings, I think we could make some money off this idea.
2:33 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: Correct! Speaking of smoke, is it time for the hookah?
Reasonable Doubt: Is that the victory dance Hawaii does?
Reasonable Doubt: You know, for a guy with one ball, Lance Armstrong sure does like to yell a lot.
Weed Against Speed: He can get pretty teste at times.
Hextall: Is this Bourne Identity music?
Reasonable Doubt: Yes.
Reasonable Doubt: I like it better than using the Departed soundtrack for the Pats game.
Hextall: Hy, the Dropkick Murphys were NHL.com
Hextall: ‘s Artist of the Month in October.
Reasonable Doubt: Who was it in November?
Weed Against Speed: “Is this…Barry Melrose’s music?!?”
Weed Against Speed: All tied up.
Reasonable Doubt: SCOOOOOOOOOORE
Reasonable Doubt: Brian Fucking Campbell!
Hextall: Somewhere in South Jersey, RJ Umberger just looked over his shoulder.
Reasonable Doubt: And in Philly, Danny Breieierererereerr just started another entry in his diary.
Weed Against Speed: …listening to the Arcade Fire.
Hextall: Ever notice when someone comments on a post some two months after it’s written?
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, those are always funny.
Weed Against Speed: What’s up with that? Usually it’s just someone telling us we suck.
Reasonable Doubt: Like when you’re in a bar, and someone is sitting all alone screams something random.
Reasonable Doubt: Everyone kind of looks…shakes their head…and goes back to what they’re doing.
Raskolnikov: Darren, why would you take off your toque? It’s not like you have any hair to keep your head warm
2:42 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: Laraque means “the Rock” in French. Or it doesn’t.
Reasonable Doubt: F’n A, Cotton! F’n A!
Raskolnikov: raquer = to pay
Raskolnikov: pierre = stone
Weed Against Speed: What is that, RD? Brain freeze going on here.
Reasonable Doubt: Dodgeball.
Weed Against Speed: Thank you, sir.
Reasonable Doubt: I’ve taken to saying that every time I hear something insightful.
Hextall: Did you say it when your were on tv?
Reasonable Doubt: It was Court TV. Nothing insightful is ever said there.
Reasonable Doubt: The plywood all over the field is classy
Hextall: Wood is good.
Reasonable Doubt: Oh, before I forget? Fuck the Penguins.
Weed Against Speed: CourtTV is now RealTv or something, right?
Reasonable Doubt: I haven’t said that in a while.
Reasonable Doubt: I think they flipped to TruTV starting today.
Raskolnikov: In case you haven’t noticed, there is a hockey game we’re trying to liveblog here, detectives.
Weed Against Speed: Ah jeez.
Reasonable Doubt: That answers your question–Roberts is not dressed for this game
Reasonable Doubt: When they start playing hockey, I’ll liveblog it. Now it’s just laboring up and down the ice and seeing who dies first.
2:55 PM EST Update –
Raskolnikov: Teppo Numminen may (anytime now)
Reasonable Doubt: Brady Quinn does not seem like someone you want as your spokesman for an exercise drink.
Raskolnikov: Liam Neeson got really fat
Reasonable Doubt: Let’s get physical!
Weed Against Speed: Brady also endorses Mountain Spew.
Reasonable Doubt: Physical!
Reasonable Doubt: I’ve seen Michigan State.
Reasonable Doubt: I’ve been to Michigan State.
Reasonable Doubt: It does not cast a shadow.
Weed Against Speed: Not to be outdone, the Rochester Epees are having an outdoor game against the Harrisburg Sea Lions.
Reasonable Doubt: Go Harrisburg!
Reasonable Doubt: What the fuck is an Epee?
Reasonable Doubt: Is that one of the swords you use for fencing?
Weed Against Speed: Yes yes.
Reasonable Doubt: Best. Mascot. Ever.
Reasonable Doubt: Didn’t this fucker say the snow was going to stop in the second period?
Raskolnikov: Meteorologist = Comm major who talks about the weather
Weed Against Speed: That’s a weatherman for you. If I want to know the weather, I’ll stick my head out the window. –Elaine’s dad
Reasonable Doubt: The refs jumping out of the way like little girls may be the funniest thing about this entire game
Reasonable Doubt: Roll Out the Barrels?
Raskolnikov: snow grains? I’ve never heard of that in my life.
Raskolnikov: That sounds like something Kevin Stevens would be interested in
LeNoceur: I’m back. Did I miss anything?
Reasonable Doubt: A nice goal and a lot of pucks ringing off the crossbar.
Weed Against Speed: Also a fascinating discussion of basic cable.
Reasonable Doubt: When the puck can’t even make it down to the end for an icing call, that’s a LOT of snow on the ice.
3:00 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: The game does seem to be opening up a bit.
Reasonable Doubt: We’ll take care of that in about two minutes
Reasonable Doubt: Jeez, that was a whole lot of nothing.
Weed Against Speed: Hey, have you guys read any good books lately?
Raskolnikov: Two shots? Guhhh
Weed Against Speed: Cinnamon Girl thinks hockey is an awesome sport. Just wanted to throw that one out there. Must be a true fan.
Reasonable Doubt: I hear God Save the Fan is a good read.
LeNoceur: I recently finished Dan Simmons’ Hyperion Chronicles. /geek
Reasonable Doubt: (Hey Will, that check can be made out to Reasonable Doubt, care of…we’ll talk later)
End of 2nd Period — Penguins 1 – Sabres 1
3:13 PM EST Update –
Reasonable Doubt: Any bets on what filler NBC is going to play during the intermission?
Reasonable Doubt: Last time, we had Slapshot clips and Bob Costas in the 70s pictures
Reasonable Doubt: Mystery Alaska clips?
Raskolnikov: It’s the Flex schedule game announcement
Reasonable Doubt: Golden Jesus, Sidney Crosby!
Weed Against Speed: The new NHL is all about speed.
Reasonable Doubt: And cocaine.
Weed Against Speed: Time for champagne! Salute!
Reasonable Doubt: FIGHT!!!
Reasonable Doubt: Okay, Crosby’s fight was cool? But it was no Bobby Orr.
Weed Against Speed: Sidney Crosby is going to fight Derek Boogaard on the undercard of Wrestlemania 30, or 40, or whatever it is on now.
Weed Against Speed: Did Hex pass out?
Reasonable Doubt: Entirely possible.
Hextall: I am here.
Hextall: Can I blame it on Nibbles?
Reasonable Doubt: Sure
The Ordinary Seaman has joined the conference.
Reasonable Doubt: Welcome to the party, Seaman.
The Ordinary Seaman: thx. sorry I’m late. fuckin’ tequila.
Weed Against Speed: Hey Seaman!
Reasonable Doubt: Heh–he’s coming in Costas’ lodge
Weed Against Speed: Usually that costs you an extra flex game.
Hextall: I’m convinced that Mike Milbury = Jim Kelly.
The Ordinary Seaman: Yo! Goddamn, they’ve got a weatherman on. Look at miniCostas. That dude is the size of a booger.
Weed Against Speed: Mike Milbury > Stephon Marbury
Weed Against Speed: Local H – nice.
The Ordinary Seaman: yes…the shoe beatin’ highlights!
3:22 PM EST Update-
Weed Against Speed: Bob Costas has more makeup on than Liza Minnelli at a gay pride parade.
Weed Against Speed: Jay Leno without writers. He’s actually going to punch Kevin Eubanks and that’s it for the whole episode.
Reasonable Doubt: That’s right, folks. 0 shots on goal in the 2nd for Pitt.
Reasonable Doubt: Your offense of the future!
LeNoceur: That’s what speed will do for you.
Reasonable Doubt: And AMP Energy
Reasonable Doubt: AMP Yourself!
Weed Against Speed: After you have sufficiently AMPed, be sure to secure your home with ADT.
Reasonable Doubt: And grab a heinie
The Ordinary Seaman: At the 5-inute mark, both teams will chug from the flask in Therrien’s coat pocket.
LeNoceur: That’s not a flask!
Reasonable Doubt: …it’s not?
Reasonable Doubt: :(
3:28 PM EST Update –
The Ordinary Seaman: I love how this game has turned all the commentators into weathermen. It’s snowing! It stopped! It’s cold!
Weed Against Speed: This could be an exciting period of hockey! — Dick Enberg
Reasonable Doubt: Conklin has a disturbing habit of flipping the puck to the other team.
Hextall: Sidney Crosby is going to be some player — Peter King
Raskolnikov: The snow, like Leon, is getting larger
The Ordinary Seaman: G-R-A-I-N-S!
Reasonable Doubt: Allllllmost
Reasonable Doubt: Is the normal camera covered in snow?
LeNoceur: They should start awarding points for carrying the puck in deep and sort of getting near the goal.
Weed Against Speed: Touche. Actually this is pretty good coverage – great angle.
Reasonable Doubt: Swing and a miss!
The Ordinary Seaman: What a kick! Oh, sorry, that was the Capital One Bowl.
Reasonable Doubt: Nice spin move by Crosby.
3:36 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: Garth Snow likes the weather. And young boys.
LeNoceur: He spins, he juggles…look out Cirque du Soleil
Reasonable Doubt: Party on, Weed!
Weed Against Speed: Party on, RD. Okay.
Reasonable Doubt: EXTREME LIVEBLOG!
Reasonable Doubt: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hextall: Did Neil Patrick Harris just steal my car?
Reasonable Doubt: Side note during commercial: How I Met Your Mother is the best show in America
Weed Against Speed: That or he tried to give you a hand job.
Raskolnikov: does Bud Light provide 18 year old coeds like Hamm’s?
Hextall: So at 10 minutes, does everyone have to stop on a dime??
Reasonable Doubt: I guess so.
The Ordinary Seaman: Actually, they stop on a loonie. Sorry.
Reasonable Doubt: If 18 year old co-eds are promised, I’ll start drinking again.
LeNoceur: I’m not sure even 18-year-old coed could get me to drink Bud Light
Weed Against Speed: Everything stops when that Morganna lady or whatever her name is runs out on the ice and kisses Sid.
Reasonable Doubt: Crosby is looking like a cross between the kid from Scrubs and Napoleon Dynamite right now.
Weed Against Speed: You gotta love a little Commadores.
Reasonable Doubt: That may not have been the worst segueway ever…but it’s close.
Reasonable Doubt: Yes. Turk.
Raskolnikov: oh lovely
The Ordinary Seaman: oh shit..technical issues!
Reasonable Doubt: …
Hextall: Darren Pang is now filing reports over a CB radio.
LeNoceur: You’ll be happy to know that the Pens radio feed is working fine.
Reasonable Doubt: Heh
LeNoceur: And it still sucks.
The Ordinary Seaman: Well, Pang has a face for radio.
Raskolnikov: no more toque? Boooooo
Hextall: 50 dollars of beer?
Weed Against Speed: In a half hour, they will be switching over to “Seal’s Dancing on Ice”.
Raskolnikov: 50 dollars a beer
Reasonable Doubt: Some douche paid 400 bucks for those tickets?
Hextall: With ten minutes left, the NHL will release 2 polar bears onto the ice.
Reasonable Doubt: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK
Mid-3rd Period Intermission
3:45 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: I work as hard as Brady Quinn because I’m the backup Controller at my job.
Weed Against Speed: “the first cut is the deepest” when they are removing one of your testicles.
Reasonable Doubt: Or when you’re plugging an Olsen twin.
The Ordinary Seaman: I went to a Bills game a few years ago and, no joke, OJ showed up. So have Rob Ramage or Rick Tocchet made an appearance yet?
Reasonable Doubt: You were in the same building as OJ?
Reasonable Doubt: And he didn’t turn you into a Pez dispenser?
LeNoceur: He wasn’t a waiter holding sunglasses
The Ordinary Seaman: My sister started screaming “MURDERER” while other people asked for autographs.
Reasonable Doubt: Niiiiiiice.
The Ordinary Seaman: It’s a celebration bitches!
Raskolnikov: oh no
Raskolnikov: I didn’t know that Edzo was going bald
Raskolnikov: how is Dapper Dan going to continue?
The Ordinary Seaman: Why is the Crypt Keeper standing next to Olczyk?
Reasonable Doubt: LIVIN ON A PRAYER
Weed Against Speed: Bon Jovi?
LeNoceur: I am comforted to know the whereabouts of the other Zamboni
Reasonable Doubt: Unless you want to start naming bands out of Buffalo….
Weed Against Speed: Goo Goo Dolls…NO!!!
Reasonable Doubt: I was sleepless wondering if Sidney Crosby’s ass would be heated by the bench.
The Ordinary Seaman: In Russia, Zamboni drives you!!!
Reasonable Doubt: (Leaving that joke hanging for you girls in the comment section)
3:57 PM EST Update –
Raskolnikov: that’s not a toque
Weed Against Speed: Miller looks like Alice the Goon.
LeNoceur: Darren Pang=Eugene the Jeep?
Reasonable Doubt: Conklin flips the puck to the other team again.
Weed Against Speed: “Who wants to play my organ?” — Don Cherry
Weed Against Speed: If this game ends up in a shootout, will the goalies be able to make a snow fort around the goal?
Reasonable Doubt: How did the net come loose on the far end?
Reasonable Doubt: Was Conklin rubbing one out and lost his balance?
Hextall: Ok, everybody hug!
The Ordinary Seaman: “you carry your sunshine with you.” Jesus, this just turned into the Care Bears Classic.
Raskolnikov: That’s a Richard Pryor line
Reasonable Doubt: There are wayyyy too many thinly veiled drug references in the NHL these days
Reasonable Doubt: BRUINS!
Reasonable Doubt: RANGERS!
Reasonable Doubt: FEEL THE EXCITEMENT
The Ordinary Seaman: Conkaine
Raskolnikov: You should be so lucky to watch me, cockknockers. /Sean Avery
Reasonable Doubt: Cha-ching! Trademark rights!
Weed Against Speed: There is a guy coming up through the ranks named Stinchay Kyndbud.
Reasonable Doubt: Odds that they flip to Seal in five minutes? Anyone?
Weed Against Speed: That’s what I thought, RD.
4:03 PM EST Update –
Hextall: That yellow tank is filled with AMP.
Raskolnikov: Just put a landmine on that spot and tell the players to skate there at their own risk
Weed Against Speed: I thought it was filled with wing sauce…interesting.
Reasonable Doubt: Is that organ playing the theme to “American Bandstand”?
The Ordinary Seaman: yes, it is. wow.
Reasonable Doubt: That’s the way to pump up the crowd.
Weed Against Speed: RD is already having nightmares about Dick Clark – lay off NBC.
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, watching Dick Clark in HD gave me nightmares.
Reasonable Doubt: I sounded like Groundskeeper Willy — ARRRGH! ZOMBIES!!!
The Ordinary Seaman: I’d like to see him and Dick Enberg call a game together.
LeNoceur: One more old Dick and you’d have a lemon party
Weed Against Speed: And Lou Holtz on the sidelines, Seaman.
Reasonable Doubt: Fuck all of you.
The Ordinary Seaman: Fuck yeah, a senility troika with Holtz
The Ordinary Seaman: Men, today is a big day…I just crapped myself — Lou Holtz Peptalk
4:12 PM EST Update –
Weed Against Speed: “You can throw out the first 77 minutes. The final three may decide this game!” –shortstack52284
LeNoceur: You are a true…something…if you actually get shortstack’s digit’s correct. Kudos, Weed.
Reasonable Doubt: “Whoever scores next could win this game.” – CrosbyFan8787
Weed Against Speed: What the fuck did I just write? Moron. How about 57 minutes…shit.
Reasonable Doubt: It added to the schtick.
Reasonable Doubt: Of course this game is going to overtime. Why wouldn’t it?
Hextall: Because Gary Bettman hates Seal.
LeNoceur: Is he Canadian? I thought he was English.
Reasonable Doubt: Hey guys! Is it going to keep snowing or not?
Reasonable Doubt: They need to let us know this shit
LeNoceur: I need a windchill update, stat.
Reasonable Doubt: I’ve never gotten a Christmas card from a hockey team.
The Ordinary Seaman: Have there been any penalties in this game?
Reasonable Doubt: (HINT! MOTHERFUCKING HINT!!!)
Reasonable Doubt: A couple early, but none this period
Raskolnikov: Someone put Doc’s balls in a vice
Reasonable Doubt: CONKLIN!
The Ordinary Seaman: PENALTY!
Hextall: Jesus, pardon him for his sins.
The Ordinary Seaman: he tugged ’em alright! Tugnut!
Hextall: Bad news: hooking penalty
Reasonable Doubt: And we’re headed to OverTIme
Hextall: Good news: hot cocoa in the penalty box
The Ordinary Seaman: Atta boy, refs. Time to take this game out of the hands of the players.
Weed Against Speed: From now on, please call me Panger. Please don’t.
End of Regulation Time — Penguins 1 – Sabres 1
4:22 PM EST Update –
Raskolnikov: Mucus makes the ice faster.
The Ordinary Seaman: Mad Mike is having a brain melt.
The Ordinary Seaman: Meanwhile, Doc and Eddie are in love.
Reasonable Doubt: Oh, this has to go to a shootout.
Reasonable Doubt: There’s no other way for this to end.
Raskolnikov: he had that for 10 years on Long Island
The Ordinary Seaman: Zing!
LeNoceur: They have liberated the second Zamboni. Thank God.
Reasonable Doubt: You can really tell Costas is working without a script.
Reasonable Doubt: Hex’s column yesterday may not have been too far off.
Hextall: It’s truth because I write it.
Reasonable Doubt: Yes! That’s what we need!
Reasonable Doubt: A weather update!
LeNoceur: WIND CHILL. WHAT’S THE WIND CHILL?
Weed Against Speed: Hex may very well be the seer of puck.
Weed Against Speed: Nice passes across the grain.
Reasonable Doubt: Pittsburgh hasn’t successfully cleared a puck all day until just now
Reasonable Doubt: FIGHT
Reasonable Doubt: FIGHT
Reasonable Doubt: FIGHT
Weed Against Speed: Chippy.
4:28 PM EST Update –
Reasonable Doubt: All things aside, this hasn’t been a horrible game.
Weed Against Speed: I agree. I hope all 198 people that are watching the game are enjoying it. Fucking shame.
Reasonable Doubt: Conklin may be the luckiest son of a bitch in the league right now.
Raskolnikov: Conklin was masturbating again
The Ordinary Seaman: It’s a good game, but it’s no Brian Boitano skating to Kiss From A Rose.
Hextall: Is ti a good or bad thing to be the backup goalie in this game?
Weed Against Speed: We all get a little crazy, Seaman.
Reasonable Doubt: Very good
Raskolnikov: you sit on a heated bench
Reasonable Doubt: With your toque
LeNoceur: I am picking Kotalik to have the shootout winner.
Weed Against Speed: Sitting on a heated bench could lower your sperm count, which is good if you’re an NBA player.
The Ordinary Seaman: Maybe a shootout he says, with 12 seconds left.
Weed Against Speed: SHOOTOUT
Reasonable Doubt: Yeah, but you get that from Flomax, too.
Reasonable Doubt: SHOOTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!
The Ordinary Seaman: Sweet.
End of Overtime. Shootout ahead.
4:35 PM EST Update –
Hextall: I say Vanek
The Ordinary Seaman: I think the shootout is going to go forever.
Raskolnikov: Kris Letang
Weed Against Speed: Vanek, definitley. Cuz he didn’t play for the Gophers. –some moron commenting on the Garth Snow post.
Reasonable Doubt: Golden Jesus will score the winner.
Reasonable Doubt: Because everything is a conspiracy.
Weed Against Speed: How many women will be impregnated tonight in Buffalo? I say 99.
The Ordinary Seaman: How many of them will be attractive? 0
Reasonable Doubt: Crosby is about to have the hockey equivilent of a throwgasm.
Reasonable Doubt: KOTALIK SCORES!
Weed Against Speed: Kotalik.
Hextall: It would have helped if Conklin had played outdoors before.
Reasonable Doubt: Ty Conklin remembered he’s Ty Conklin.
Weed Against Speed: Conklin’s a pussy.
Weed Against Speed: Weak shot by Connelly.
The Ordinary Seaman: yup
The Ordinary Seaman: oooh, letang
Reasonable Doubt: SCORE!
Raskolnikov: I thought he’d be the closer
Weed Against Speed: Nice.
LeNoceur: fuck you Kris Letang
The Ordinary Seaman: big save
Hextall: Didn’t you hear? Will canceled the Closer.
Weed Against Speed: Stoned, just like me.
Reasonable Doubt: Afino stoned!
Reasonable Doubt: GOLDEN JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
The Ordinary Seaman: how did that go in? it was in slow motion.
Weed Against Speed: Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Apparently, according to Darren Pang, it feels good to score between the legs. Thanks for hanging in there with us, everyone. Happy New Year! Go drink some more!