The Blue Jackets Would Like You to Rate Their Weiners

cbjlogo.gifLife is hard for the Blue Jackets.  No matter how well you play, the other teams in your division get all of the Central ink.  Ok, the Red Wings are obliterating everybody, and Chicago has a nice story about a couple of small children who got lost at the mall and now are their leading scorers, I got that.  The Blues are a nice story because they’re loaded with young prospects and LeNoc would kick my ass if I didn’t write something nice.  Hell, even the Predators are on Peter Forsberg’s short-list, should he ever decide to remind people he’s better than half of the league while using half the legs God gave him.  Never mind the team in 2nd place, people.  The team that has nice uniforms, a Stanley Cup winning coach, and are one point out of the playoffs right now.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are waving their hands furiously in your direction.  Call on them, damn it.

I’ve been to a game in Nationwide Arena, and it’s one of the better arena experiences in the league.  But Columbus’ precious Buckeyes days away from getting demolished by LSU, so no one’s looking to catch a Jackets game.  They’ll be back for a three-game stint next week against teams they can totally beat (STL, NSH, VAN).  In the meantime, their webmasters have the perfect promotion waiting for you on their website.

Don’t believe me?  Keep reading.

This post just turned into the web’s biggest dick joke.

That’s right, the Columbus Blue Jackets have a dilemma.  They have three cardiac-inducing hot dogs, and for some reason, they need the people of the interwebs to decide which should be their “signature dog.”  Granted, they’re a young franchise, so I’ll cut them some slack as to their online voting methods.  If you need to select a number one sausage product, you give them all human-like qualities and make them race around your playing field.  Everybody knows this.

Nonetheless, here are the three monstrosities, complete with MYFO’s Lazy Friday Afternoon Commentary.

aadog.jpg

The All-American:  I kept this picture small, for the sake of the lunch you had two hours ago.  The All-American rocks three condiments – ketchup, stadium mustard, and relish.  However, the relish isn’t green; it’s blue (like the Blue Jackets!).  That ensures that this hot dog, should you choose it, is both patriotic and stomach-wrenching.  But the mustard’s still yellow, not white, so you didn’t exactly nail our flag’s colors with the All-American.  You should have saved us the nausea and left the relish green since you didn’t exactly evoke visions of the Stars and Stripes.  Then, and only then, would I vote for the All-Bolivian.  Blue Jackets likely to vote for this one: Ron Hainsey, Ken Hitchcock 

ht3dog.jpg

The Hat Trick: Hat tricks mean something is about to come in threes, and in terms of wins, Columbus hasn’t done that since the end of October.  Who’s capable of one?  Nash had one New Year’s Eve against Edmonton, and Zherdev is always a possibiliy, we suppose.  But if anyone dare eat this heart-attack-on-a-bun, that will eliminate any possibility.  It’s got barbeque sauce, shredded cheese, and let’s see – what do we have kicking around the kitchen that could ruin you for life – ah, bacon.  That’s a good call.  Jim Gaffigan would approve.  Who’s hungry…for death?  Blue Jackets likely to vote for this one: Nash, Ken Hitchcock

pmdog.jpg

The Playmaker: That’s fucking cole slaw on that hot dog.  Where’s the gratuitous use of condiments or team work of multiple pork products?  One solitary topping?  You’re slipping, ridiculous website online poll.  You’re slipping.  Blue Jackets likely to vote for this one: Ken Hitchcock (under the assumption he think’s he’s dieting)

Hot dog not pictured: Sergei Fedorov.  (Dude, when you’ve got as many goals as some guy named Curtis Glencross, maybe it’s time to hang’em up.)

Advertisements

12 Comments

  1. Would the “All-American” make your poop blue? Although I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

  2. what the hell is blue relish? it looks like melted plastic or possibly epoxy. gotta go with number two here.

  3. The “All-American” looks like there was an accident with fingerpaints. But I’m with georger here–my pick, if I cared, would be number 2. Bacon makes things better

  4. Ken Hitchcock is going to need samples of each to conduct a thorough and scientific study. Several samples of each, actually. Gotta have a control group.

  5. ken hitchcock chooses the hamdog

  6. The hot dog with maple syrup (aka “The Palmateer”) in Toronto is to die for.

  7. Bacon on a hot dog? Pure. Genius.

    I hate cole slaw and relish — green or any other-worldly color. Even if it turned your poop blue, I’d still say no.

  8. Waiter, I’ll have three hat tricks with a butter chaser please.

  9. Hitchcock is holding out for some steamed hams.

  10. You had to use the old and busted logo, didn’t you?

    I guess as long as it’s not the bee.

  11. @shaggy: I agree. That thing creep me out,. It looks terribly constipated (perhaps from the wieners?)

  12. even if I hadn’t (somewhat) arbitrarily decided to be a Jackets fan last week, the Hat Trick would have sold me.
    yes. please.
    (note: I do not, in fact, weigh 500 lbs.)


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s