Doc: Welcome to a warm basement in West Orange, NJ. Thousands are piling into this three story Victorian for tonight’s house party.
Hello everyone. Alongside Eddie Olczyk, this is Doc Emrick. It’s great to have you with us. For years Martin Brodeur was known mainly for his boring dominance on the ice thanks to the New Jersey Devils’ neutral zone trap. This perception changed 5 years ago when his whore ex-wife Melanie Dubois filed for divorce because Marty was putting the knob of his stick into his sister-in-law Genevieve. Edzo, how tough is it to resist temptation when your wife’s hot sister wants to play in your crease?
Eddie: Doc, it was the toughest thing that I had to deal with as a player. Try playing for 3.5 seasons in Winnipeg, far from any attractive living thing. I was so lonely and horny that I would dig a 6 inch hole in the tundra and fornicate like Uranus on Gaia. There are probably 3 million earthworms out there wearing mob suits.
And her name was Genevieve? That’s the French form of the name Juniper, which is a derivation of the name Guinevere. Oh, the Lancelot fantasies that must have run through his mind. That Guinevere was such a hot piece of Welsh ass…
Doc: Anyway, Brodeur is embracing his swinging tendencies by hosting this gala affair at his suburban New Jersey home. Five dollars gets you unlimited Miller High Life and our food correspondent, Chico Resch, is busy sampling some of the harder beverages. Chico, what have you got for us tonight?
Chico: *Hick* Well Doc, I’ve got a cup of the finest jungle juice this side of the Delaware. Marty has mixed Fleischmann’s gin, Skol, and Everclear to create a burning sensation on my soft palate that evokes wasabi, NASCAR rubber, and anise, with hints of hockey glove. To this concoction, Marty added pineapples, watermelons, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, cranberries, gooseberries, and dingleberries. My olfactory system cannot handle this overload of flavors! It’s like heaven in my mouth! Two dollars a cup! In my other hand, I’m holding a strawberry Jell-O shot worth 50 cents. We also have cherry flavors too. For all of you queers who want grape, go find a shitty Kings party. And we definitely don’t have blue raspberry or orange flavors here.
Woohoo! I feel like I’m back at Minnesota-Duluth again! Who wants to skinny dip in Lake Superior?
Edzo: Chico brings up a good point, Doc. Garth Snow won’t be able to get at those teenage boys now.
Doc: Thanks, Ed. Now that the festivities are underway, let’s head to the action.
Paul Martin has grabbed a bottle of Jameson 18 from the topshelf and passed it ahead to Jamie Langenbrunner. Langenbrunner crisscrosses with Dainius Zubrus and lines up glasses for a shot that Brodeur grabs and puts it back in the liquor cabinet.
Edzo: Heads up play by Brodeur there. Let’s take a look at it on our instant replay.
You see Zubrus try to distract Marty in the corner of the room by pointing to some Seton Hall fratboy puking on a Conn Smythe trophy. Now stop it right here! Brodeur keeps his head facing Langenbrunner, not paying any attention to that douchebag with the backwards hat. Marty notices the bottle in Langenbrunner’s hand and makes an easy save.
Doc: The great ones always make it look so easy. Marty just saved himself about $50 by taking back that Jameson. And he did it at the expense of his own trophy. The college student, Scott Sallavechia, is originally from May’s Landing. His greatest accomplishment to date was getting into a fight with his girlfriend and not receiving a scratch on his face after she slapped him 10 times with her 5 inch nails.
Back to the action. Brodeur has turned off the lights. We’re in complete darkness now.
Chico: Oh Doc, I know what’s going to happen next …
Doc: A strobelight lights up and other Devils players are tossing glowsticks to the crowd.
Edzo: Doc, there’s a bunch of little pills being passed around.
Doc: It can only mean one thing!
RAVE BY BRODEUR!!!
Part II coming next week