Have a Glass of Port with Derek Boogaard

The ContinentalAh! My wonderful one! I see you received my message! I hope my invitation did not distress you. What is important is you are here…with me, tonight. As you may already know from speaking with others in the neighborhood, I am a professional athlete with the local hockey troupe, the Minnesota Wild. Perhaps the fact that I am wearing my hockey sweater tipped you off. Aha, your wisdom is only exceeded by your beauty. Oh my, I have not formally introduced myself. My name is Derek Boogaard and it is a divine pleasure to make your acquaintance.

My apologies for making you wait. I must not have heard the bell. Please, please come in. Where are my manners? You’ll catch your death of cold out there! Let me help you with your overcoat. Come, sit by the fire. The heat from the blaze is certainly invigorating, is it not? It warms the bones and melts away all the troubles of the world. 

Could I interest you in a nice glass of port? I have secured a wonderful bottle of 2003 Fonseca Porto Vintage. I love the great fruit richness, voluptuousness and firm tannic backbone. Please, have a glass with me. Mmmm…quite delicious, wouldn’t you agree?


Ah, my dear, why is your body trembling so? Are you cold? Would you like to slip into my Vanderbilt smoking jacket? I recently purchased it from Jay Pratts. I understand it will not flatter your graceful figure but it is indeed warm and and the material is luxurious.

My darling, your eyes are revealing to me your innermost thoughts. You are hesitant to be alone in the company of the man that stands before you, no? To you, I must appear to be nothing more than a lummox, a thug, a ruffian. Perhaps my reputation for having a proclivity for pugilism in the ice arena has preceded our chance meeting. Do not fret, tender one, for I am not how they would have me appear.

You see, I have been hampered by an ailing back as of late which has prevented me from participating in the sport of hockey. Unfortunate, yes, but it has provided me the opportunity to reexamine what makes me the man that appears before you this magical evening. For instance, I have learned I have a great love for interior design. I have been reading Architectural Digest and, wait, let me show you. [flips through magazine]

Living Room

Do you simply adore this room? Is it not quite breathtaking with nary an aura of pretentiousness? The reflection of Modernist principles absolutely enchants me! It is a room designed by Shelton & Mindel and it is my dream one day to design a room such as this one. I delight at the thought of colors and lines,  floor plans and accents. Would you like to know what my favorite television show is? reDesign with Kenneth Brown…or is it Divine Design with Candice Olson? Oh, my dear, I cannot choose!

I see you are growing restless. Perhaps you are concerned as to what are my intentions in inviting you to my bungalow on such a chilly evening. Do not worry, my desires are as noble as your winsomeness is entrancing. You see, my pet, the life of an athlete can be a lonely one. The long road trips, the practices, the daily minutiae involved in honing my craft; all of these things wear on the mind and are a burden on the soul. My sole request is you join me in viewing one of my favorite films: Howards End.

Or perhaps you would enjoy a viewing of The English Patient? Although I feel compelled to warn you, that film has such a power over me that I may weep and seek comfort in your arms. Please, follow me to my cinema suite. Do not let this frighten you, my little angel, but the cinema suite also doubles as my bedroom.

Wait! Where are you going? Please, do not leave! My darling! My love! My angel of the twilight!

Ah shit. Who am I kidding anyway? This is never going to work. I might as well get back to what I do best. Taking charge and cracking skulls. [pulls out Wild schedule] Let’s see here. On Monday, January 21st, we play the Canucks. That’s about as good of a time as any to get back in the swing of things.

[Walks into bedroom/cinema suite, puts in Slap Shot DVD and cracks open a Molson Canadian Ice]

Ahhh. Much better.



  1. that film has such a power over me that I may weep and seek comfort in your arms. I might agree, but only if we could find a drinking game to go with it.

    Wait a mintue, what am I saying? Slapshot actually HAS it’s own drinking game! http://www.lazydork.com/movies/slapshot.htm

    so…Slap shot DVD + BOOOGAAAARD!+ booze = good times?

  2. Do not worry, my desires are as noble as your winsomeness is entrancing.

    The wife and I are going away this weekend, and I am totally stealing that line.

  3. “I love the great fruit richness, voluptuousness and firm tannic backbone”

    Sounds like he is describing Megan Fox.

  4. funny as hell

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