Welcome to another episode of MYFO’s recurring feature, NHL Mascots: Exposed! The initial installment of this bit utilized NHL.com’s mascot page which, much to the chagrin of yours truly, appears to have not been updated since Sidney Crosby started sprouting pubes – wait, wasn’t that just last week?
Anyhoo, I will now exploit a much more, ahem, reliable source, the esteemed and never-wrong Wikipedia. Join me, as we journey through the perverse and sordid world of NHL Mascots. But be forewarned: things could get a little sticky.
Al the Octopus (Octopoda Hentai) – Detroit Red Wings: Al’s beginnings in the entertainment industry did not get off to a very auspicious start. Al was a long-time star in the Japanese Hentai Tentacle Porn industry, where years of perverse activities brought upon more bouts with venereal diseases than Al has suction cups. Worn out, cast aside and flushed down the toilet (literally), Al drifted aimlessly through the oceans until he was caught by a seemingly friendly (but horny) Hawaiian fisherman. Years of sexual and physical abuse ensued, rendering Al unable to move on his own, which is why he is now propelled solely by a pulley system at Joe Louis Arena. More tidbits to chew on:
Al shares a modest home with long-time Joe Louis Arena Zamboni driver Al Zobotka. Sometimes there is animosity between the two, due to the way Zobotka twirls the octopuses thrown on the ice during Red Wings games. But overall, it’s a good life – lots of laughs.
Al once tried to make it in the legitimate film industry, even snagging a role in the live-action film Popeye as the giant octopus in the movie’s final climactic scene.
Carlton the Bear (Ursus Androgynous) – Toronto Maple Leafs: Once considered the most political mascot in the NHL (he “chaired” the first Mascot Summit at the 2000 All-Star Game in Toronto), he has unfortunately been forced to retire from politics due to an inordinate amount of sexual indiscretions so audacious they would make some Republican congressmen blush. Although referred to as a male on his web page, it is rumored that Carlton is neither male nor female, but instead a pre-op transsexual that couldn’t quite raise the funds to “complete the transaction”. Apparently, Carlton made a wrong turn during migration fifteen years ago and ended up in San Francisco, got caught up in the Bathhouse scene and the rest is history. Hey, we don’t judge here at MYFO and neither should you. Um, scratch that last sentence. Some other morsels of information:
According to his web site, he has tossed over 8,000 t-shirts during his time as mascot. What they don’t tell you is that he has tossed over 8,000 salads during the same time period. Nasty.
Carlton has met many attractive celebrities such as Avril Lavigne, Shania Twain and Salma Hayek. Nevertheless, Carlton still claims the weekend spent at the Hedonism III resort in Jamaica with fellow Canadian Alex Trebek as “its” most memorable celebrity encounter.
Sparky the Dragon (Draconis Cannabis) – New York Islanders: First things first, Sparky loves ganja. To put it bluntly, he cannot live without the herb. To support his weed habit, Sparky is forced to double as the mascot for the Arena League New York Dragons. Prior to scoring the gig as the Islanders mascot, he was a roadie for Cypress Hill, a job he was subsequently fired from while touring in support of the Black Sunday album. You simply don’t fuck with B-Real’s stash, fool. Sparky then took it easy for the next few years, followed Phish around and supported himself by selling “Sparkies”, his own pot brownie concoction. More nugs of information:
Sparky drives around an old 1968 VW Type 2 Bus that is painted in Islanders colors. It has been rumored that Islanders GM Garth Snow borrows it sometimes to cruise the gay bars.
When discussing his upbringing, Sparky claims he was “born to three-legged bitch of a mother”, but most people suspect he got this from the movie Half Baked. Especially since dragons only have two legs. What a high ass.
According to his web site, one of Sparky’s favorite songs is Puff the Magic Dragon. ‘Nuff said.
And finally, we here at MYFO would like to give a tip of the cap to the fine folks over at Food Court Lunch for their hilarious take on the whole Pamela Anderson/Fin the Whale controversy, from the perspective of no other than Harvey the Hound. Well done, gents.
When the madman Matt Ufford over at With Leather had a post on the same subject, I was fortunate enough to be perusing the site and came up with a name for the offspring of such an unholy coupling: Whorca. The question is, what would a Whorca look like? My guess is it would probably look a little something like this:
On that note, we’re done for now. Just remember, if any of you ladies out there ever find yourself about to get intimate with an NHL mascot, be sure to use a condom.
And stay tuned for the next installment of NHL Mascots: Exposed!