Riding the Pine with MYFO

BenchAs you can see, we’ve scuttled Making Puck even though we’ve finished our shift writing the NHL Closer (for now) over at Deadspin.  All in all, we didn’t see the comedic value in writing one-liners for 12 games we didn’t watch and only have overedited NHL.com video highlights and banal AP recaps to work from.  It’s like putting a chef in a kitchen to make a gourmet meal, only to find the pantry filled with chicken broth, Gogurt, and Lunchables.  Delicious.

However, the lack of Making Puck does not mean that there isn’t hockey being played, often in large arenas featuring players with cheap haircuts who get paid to skate.  They work hard for the money.  So hard for the money.  That is, unless they’re about to be written about in this column.

After the jump, we give you MYFO’s Pineriders of the Night.

By rule, an NHL team is allowed to dress 20 players for any given game.  Subtracting out your two goalies, that leaves 18 skaters that the coach can line change in and out of the action.  The standard practice, if you’re team is deep enough (Kings fans can stop reading…now), is to roll 4 lines and 3 pairs of defensemen, resulting in fairly evenly-distributed amongst all players.  Everyone gets at least 10 minutes of ice time.  That’s what we call a team effort.

On the other hand, some coaches hesitate to play certain players, for one of two reasons.  Firstly, they may have a specialized role, such as enforcer, that is only to be used in specific situations.  Secondly, they may just suck.  Hard.  The following are three such examples, complete with how these idiots passed the time while their teammates, you know, PLAYED HOCKEY.

For Buffalo, Andrew Peters skated four shifts for a grand total of 2:02.  Of course, in those two minutes, the Rangers did manage to score, so I’d bench him, too.  It’s the equivalent of a station chief sending a rookie firefighter out with the crew responding to a burning townhouse, only to have the fire truck catch fire in the driveway.  What did he do with the other 58 minutes?  Likely, he felt shame.  And then balanced his checkbook. 

Meanwhile in the Windy City, the Blackhawks clearly did not need David Koci to defeat the Blues 6-1.  The 6′-6″ Czech found the ice for 2 shifts totaling 1:19 in ice time.  Koci’s clearly at the bottom of the depth chart, but it begs the question of Chicago.  It’s late in the third period and you’re pulling away from a rival that just doesn’t have it tonight.  Hell, Patrick Kane scored the 5th goal when St.Louis pulled their goalie with 7 to play.  So why not let Koci get some experience under his belt?  Robert Lang looks tired – he is 57 years old – give that guy a break.  It’s a perfect opportunity, considering the Blues don’t have a single guy named Zdeno Chara.

Finally, I have written here in my notes that right winger Tanner Glass logged 1:45 in two shifts (also a -1).  But I didn’t write down a team.  Of course, that doesn’t sound like a real person anyway.  Which explains why he didn’t play much.  Invisible people absolutely suck on the penalty kill.

Oh, right.  He’s a Florida Panther.  Which means he passed the time watching his team get lit up by the Flyers 5-3.  And Sudoku.  He LOVES Sudoku.

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11 Comments

  1. Do you think pulling your only healthy goalie with 7 minutes left to go in the game was supposed to send some sort of message? Like, “you suck so bad tonight that an empty space can do your job just as well.” I’m thinking Marek Schwarz should probably call off his apartment search in St. Louis for the time being.

  2. The only thing that sucks worst than being the 19th or 20th man on the bench is being Martin Brodeur’s back-up….

    …ok, one thing could suck more: you could be Ben Affleck.

  3. The Affleck always is a go to for suckage.

  4. It’s like putting a chef in a kitchen to make a gourmet meal, only to find the pantry filled with chicken broth, Gogurt, and Lunchables.

    Stop giving away my secret recipe!

  5. I expect to see that paragraph on Peters a lot between now and the rest of the season. During a 10-game losing streak, you would think a guy like that would be a healthy scratch.

  6. “Tanner Glass” totally sounds like a porn name to me. Not the best one, but a porn name nonetheless. Maybe that’s what he was doing on the bench–thinking up thrilling titles like:


    Light My Lamp
    Ride my Zamboni
    Wax my Stick
    Five-Hole Follies
    Butt-end Adventures
    Shovel Sluts
    Pine Riders Gone WILD!
    Mighty Dicks/Dykes
    etc…

    You could probably do a whole post just on hockey porno titles…*makes note to self that this would be a lot of fun in the future*

  7. You’re not trademarking that idea are you, Domi?

  8. Two Minutes in the Sin Bin
    After Her First Period
    Five on Three Action
    Putting Biscuits in the Basket
    Deep Throat 6: Moose Jaw

  9. Assume the Butterfly Position 8: Between the Pipes
    Scat Games 27: Dump and Chase
    Tiny Asians with Tiny Snatches 12: Neutral Zone Trap

  10. Two Minutes For Hooking

  11. @weed against speed: Am I trademarking it? No, why…should I? It sounds like fun!


    Wood is Good
    Fucking like Puckbunnies
    Slap Slut
    In Her Crease
    Darcy, Tucker!
    Too Many Men
    Knob Gobblers 14 Hosted by Sean Avery
    My First Five Hole
    TimBIts ain’t just for Breakfast Anymore
    Stoppage: Hand Pass
    [Team a] Sucks, [Team B] Swallows
    Czech me out! Hosted by Jiri Tlusty

    maybe I should just stop…for now..


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