Undercover MYFO: Gary Bettman’s Diary Part I

AuthenticMYFO’s crack undercover operatives are always on the lookout for news. It is our mission to bring you truly “Inside the NHL,” giving you stories you won’t see anywhere else. Today, we have scored another coup. Our operative was able to obtain Commissioner Gary Bettman’s personal diary, and (using a very tiny camera concealed in a removable dental bridge) has brought back a copy for all of our enlightenment and amusement. This is the first installment.


“Dear Diary :
Boy, this lockout is really dragging on. Doesn’t look like there are going to be any games played this season.

Diary, all this down time, and the canceled games, have given me a lot of time to really think about the future of the NHL. I mean, what an opportunity! We’ll be starting with a clean slate–we can do anything we want! Of course, we’re going to need to jump-start fan interest just a little bit at first once we get going again. And I think I’ve hit upon the perfect idea to do just that: Divisional realignment!

Yep, the fans will have to pay attention, just to figure out where their favorite team is in the standings. And how should I do it? Geography is so boring…wait a minute. I think I’m having one of those brain showers the consultants are always yammering about. Check this out:

The “Forces of Nature” division (Avalanche, Hurricanes, Lightning, Flames, Stars)
The “Birds and Trees” division (Thrashers, Red Wings, Ducks, Penguins, Leafs)
The “Carnivores” division (Sharks, Bruins, Predators, Panthers, Coyotes)
The “Sovereignty” division (Kings, Senators, Capitals, Blackhawks, Blue Jackets)
The “Abstract Ideas” division (Canucks, Canadiens, Blues, Flyers, Wild)
The “New York” division (Rangers, Islanders, Devils, Sabres)

You know I dislike using vulgarities, but man I am fucking brilliant! The Oilers are sort of left out in the cold (haha–Edmonton is always out in the cold, if you know what I mean). I guess they could be contracted. There are already too many teams in Canada. Or we could just move them to Westchester or something.

I have a feeling I am going to sleep very well tonight.”



  1. I guess I’ve never really thought much about it, but I think I had always just assumed that the Blue Jackets were some rare form of bee.

  2. maybe oilers can be in that brand-new WHA…oh wait…
    /released from cryogenictic pod
    /dick joke

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