Sexiest Man Alive, Dick Licks

Thaaaaaat’s right, assholes. See that sexy face up there? I’m one of the Sexiest Men Alive. People Magazine says so. Want proof? Right here, asswipes.

You see how sexy I am? I didn’t get that scar playing hockey…I got that scar because Darcy Tucker’s French Poodle of a girlfriend had on stiletto heels, and when I was eating her out, her legs went all wacky-go-crazy and caught me on the cheek.

Don’t you like that cute innocent face I put on? You think Jason Blake and his Leukemia-having ass can pull that off? Fuck no. That chemo-taking peter puffer would be too busy worrying about his teeth falling out. But let’s take you through that charming fucking video step-by-step.

What’s my reaction when people call me sexy? It’s usually me saying “You’re god damn right I’m sexy, mud-trail traveler! Did you see that face up there? Look again.

Bam! That’s all me, pole smokers.

What do I look for in a woman? Simple, babydoll. A pussy and a heartbeat. My first kiss? The nurse right before she gave me a handjob in the nursery the day I was fucking born! The biggest misconception about me? Is that I’d talk to you fudge packers for three seconds if I wasn’t being paid to.

See that photo? See how fucking drop-dead sexy I am? Awwww…I’m so misunderstood…yeah, that’s it baby…sniffle a bit….now bend over…..thaaaaat’s a good girl.

Fucking whore.



  1. is it wrong that I got really excited as soon as I saw him at the top of the page?
    like…really really wrong?

  2. Yes Becky, yes it is.

    He’s a douche and a half. Fuck him. Untalented jerk.

  3. I say we lock Avery and Phillip “Marmalard” Rivers in a room together, and see if they aggravate each other to the point of insanity and death.

  4. I sense that he’s trying way too hard to convince everyone that’s he’s a lesbian.

  5. @becky: I don’t think it’s wrong–it’s another “Dear Cuntrags” style work, so I’m ok with it. I’m not a huge fan of him either, but I love it when “he” writes over here.

  6. Dick licks, I am totally using that from now on.

    I wouldn’t shag Avery. I’d rather go to town on broken broomstick.
    Yeah I said it.

  7. I’m deeply disappointed by any Sean Avery post without “cock knocker”. “Dick lick” is substandard, sadly.

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