Thaaaaaat’s right, assholes. See that sexy face up there? I’m one of the Sexiest Men Alive. People Magazine says so. Want proof? Right here, asswipes.
You see how sexy I am? I didn’t get that scar playing hockey…I got that scar because Darcy Tucker’s French Poodle of a girlfriend had on stiletto heels, and when I was eating her out, her legs went all wacky-go-crazy and caught me on the cheek.
Don’t you like that cute innocent face I put on? You think Jason Blake and his Leukemia-having ass can pull that off? Fuck no. That chemo-taking peter puffer would be too busy worrying about his teeth falling out. But let’s take you through that charming fucking video step-by-step.
What’s my reaction when people call me sexy? It’s usually me saying “You’re god damn right I’m sexy, mud-trail traveler! Did you see that face up there? Look again.
Bam! That’s all me, pole smokers.
What do I look for in a woman? Simple, babydoll. A pussy and a heartbeat. My first kiss? The nurse right before she gave me a handjob in the nursery the day I was fucking born! The biggest misconception about me? Is that I’d talk to you fudge packers for three seconds if I wasn’t being paid to.
See that photo? See how fucking drop-dead sexy I am? Awwww…I’m so misunderstood…yeah, that’s it baby…sniffle a bit….now bend over…..thaaaaat’s a good girl.