Hockey Jesus Enters the Wilderness

Matthew Barnaby

The Gospel According To Barnaby 4:1-11

1Then Sidney was led up by the Trainer into the wilderness to be tempted by the Commissioner. 2He rehabilitated forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was behind in the scoring race. 3The tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of Mario, command these pucks to become shots on goal.” 4But he answered, “It is written,

‘One does not live by shots alone, but by every shift that comes from the mouth of the Coach.'”

5Then the Commissioner took him to the holy arena and placed him in the face-off circle, 6saying to him, “If you are the Son of Gretzky, rush the net; for it is written,

‘He will command his enforcers concerning you,’ and ‘On their fighting majors they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your face against the glass.'”

7Sidney said to him, “Again it is written, ‘Do not put the neutral zone trap to the test without support from your wingers.'”

8Again, the Commissioner took him to the Empire State Building and showed him all the cities of the League and their splendor; 9and he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will get injections in your ankle for the All-Star Game.” 10Sidney said to him, “Away with you, Bettman! for it is written,

‘Play for the Penguins who drafted you, and not risk injury for an exhibition.'”

11Then the Commissioner left him, and suddenly defensemen came and waited on him.

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