Cuba Gooding, Jr. on Ice? That’s Nice!

Cuba and Luc

Buried due to an incredibly busy sports weekend, the news that former NHL great Luc Robitaille hosted the First Annual Luc Robitaille Celebrity Shootout last Sunday went largely unreported. The event, which took place at the Park City Ice Arena in Utah, was presented by D.I.S.C. Sports and Spine Center and benefited Robitaille’s Echoes of Hope  (ope…ope…ope…pe…pe…pe) charity, which “was formed to help nurture the lives of at-risk and emancipated foster youth by providing the necessary resources, skills and support they need to reach their potential”.  What about non-emancipated foster youth, you say? Fuck ’em.

Former NHLers that were expected to appear included Tony Amonte, Marc Bergevin, Marcel Dionne, Nelson Emerson, Marty McSorley, Larry Murphy, and, obviously, Robitaille himself. Very impressive. But wait until you see the list of “celebrities” that were scheduled to attend.

According to the press release, the following are some of Hollywood’s “elite (?) celebrity players” that were to be in attendance: Jason Reitman (Director of Juno), Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Radio), Dave Annable (Brothers & Sisters), Scott Wolf (Party of Five), Ryne Sanborn (High School Musical), Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights), Rachel Blanchard (Clueless, Snakes On A Plane), Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville), Jason Thompson (General Hospital). If the presence of all these A-Listers was not enough to blow you away, Tom Arnold was to serve as game announcer. He used to be married to Roseanne!

Now, a charity event is always an admirable endeavor and I will not disparage Robitaille’s efforts in assisting at-risk foster children, but Luc couldn’t land Richard Dean Anderson? Can you remember one “celebrity” hockey event that MacGyver wasn’t at? I’m fairly certain he had nothing else on his calendar.

Anyway, after an intense effort yesterday proved fruitless (one Google search for “Luc Robitaille Celebrity Shootout”) to find any news whatsoever regarding the event, we can only assume things went off without a hitch. Then I learned this morning that one of MYFO‘s operatives working out of our Salt Lake City branch was there and is able to provide a recap of what occurred in the dressing room prior to the event.

Cuba Gooding  Show me the money!!

  Luc  Cuba! Great to see you! Thanks for coming to the event! You are aware that you are not being paid for this appearance…

Cuba Gooding  Anyone else would have left you by now, but I’m sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you’re gonna show me the money.

Luc  Are you just simply reciting lines from Jerry McGuire?

Cuba Gooding No, seriously! Show me the money! Please! I’m broke!

Luc Um, okay. Well, nice seeing you again, Cuba. Scott Wolf! How long has it been?

Scott Wolf Yeah, whatever. Have you seen how fat Jennifer Love Hewitt has gotten? Her ass is flabbier than John Madden’s jowls!

Luc I really don’t see what the point of that comment is…

Scott Wolf I was told there would be a buffet…

Dave Anable No kidding…I’m starving!

Scott Wolf Who the hell are you?

Dave Anable I’m Dave Anable. Is the writer’s strike over yet?

Cuba Gooding I know Michael Jordan. I’m wearing his underwear.

Rachel Blanchard Hi everyone! I’m Rachel Blanchard and for 20 bucks, I’ll suck your cock.

Cuba Gooding Luc! Show her the money!

Luc Okay that’s about enough. This is a family event.

Rachel Blanchard But it’s all I’m good at! Have you ever seen anything I’ve done?

Dave Anable It’s true. She sucks.

Scott Wolf I’ve got six dollars and a “Buy One Burger Get One Free” coupon for Jack in the Box. Will that get me a handjob?

Rachel Blanchard We’ll talk later.

 Ryne Sanborn What’s up, old timers? So, who wants to see some photos of Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens doing some ass-to-ass? Those sluts will do anything for coke.

Luc Good Lord, Ryne! Please, everyone! This is about the at-risk foster youth! Can we focus on that?

Cuba Gooding Show me the pussy!

Luc Jesus, Cuba! Enough already!

Taylor Kitsch Has anyone noticed how good-looking I am? God, I would so go gay for myself. I’m the sole reason Friday Night Lights is so popular. By the way, does it make you gay if you eat your own jizz?

Rachel Blanchard I’m not sure but it is the newest Hollywood diet! Loaded with nutrients! At least that’s what my agent told me.

Michael Rosenbaum When they told me I would have to shave my head to play Lex Luthor on Smallville, I started applying my baby batter to my scalp. Feel it…soft as a baby’s bottom!

Ryne Sanborn And how!

Jason Thompson Hey, I’m in General Hospital! Someone notice me! Obese women and the unemployed adore me!

Scott Wolf Go fuck yourself, you half-wit. All that it would take is your character falling down an elevator shaft and you’d be doing porn.

Rachel Blanchard Really? Scott, do you know someone in the industry?

Scott Wolf Shut it, cumcatcher. I was in Party of Five.

Luc No one cares, Scott. No one cares. What in the hell was I thinking? Where’s Alan Thicke when you need him? Why didn’t I invite him? He’s a big time hockey fan and would be able to get these people under control.

Alan Thicke Here I am Luc, baby! I was hanging out at Tahiti Village in Vegas and heard about this event. If you let me play, I’ll throw in a couple tickets to one of those shows on the Strip. As long as you’re someone who is into just loving life, baby!

Luc Sweet Jesus. Mary, Mother of God. This is pointless. McSorley, get in here and kick the living shit out of these ingrates!

Marty McSorley Gladly. I thought you’d never ask. Who wants it first!

Cuba Gooding Show me the money!

Marty McSorley Yeah. You’ll do.

Tom Arnold Hey, did anyone else know there isn’t one decent strip club within 100 miles of this God-foresaken place? I need to find a new wife!

Marty McSorley On second thought, that Haiti guy or whatever his name is can wait. Get over here, tubby.

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5 Comments

  1. A celebrity hockey event without the participation of Dave Coulier is hardly worthy of the name.

  2. Coulier wanted to make it but some chick was going down on him in a theater.

  3. Coulier wanted to make it but some chick was going down on him in a theater.
    Wow, that sounds exactly like rain on my wedding day.

  4. Richard Dean Anderson has been banned from celebrity hockey. Denis Leary called him “MacGyver” one too many times, and Anderson took a Chris Simon swing at Leary’s head. Anderson was exiled to “Stargate SG-1.” Leary was roped into making “Two If By Sea” with Sandra Bullock before the post-concussion symptoms went away.

  5. @The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: I understand Anderson’s reaction. I mean, Leary himself admits he’s an asshole: http://youtube.com/watch?v=MNzZzsvOClc

    Classic


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