Buried due to an incredibly busy sports weekend, the news that former NHL great Luc Robitaille hosted the First Annual Luc Robitaille Celebrity Shootout last Sunday went largely unreported. The event, which took place at the Park City Ice Arena in Utah, was presented by D.I.S.C. Sports and Spine Center and benefited Robitaille’s Echoes of Hope (ope…ope…ope…pe…pe…pe) charity, which “was formed to help nurture the lives of at-risk and emancipated foster youth by providing the necessary resources, skills and support they need to reach their potential”. What about non-emancipated foster youth, you say? Fuck ’em.
Former NHLers that were expected to appear included Tony Amonte, Marc Bergevin, Marcel Dionne, Nelson Emerson, Marty McSorley, Larry Murphy, and, obviously, Robitaille himself. Very impressive. But wait until you see the list of “celebrities” that were scheduled to attend.
According to the press release, the following are some of Hollywood’s “elite (?) celebrity players” that were to be in attendance: Jason Reitman (Director of Juno), Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Radio), Dave Annable (Brothers & Sisters), Scott Wolf (Party of Five), Ryne Sanborn (High School Musical), Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights), Rachel Blanchard (Clueless, Snakes On A Plane), Michael Rosenbaum (Smallville), Jason Thompson (General Hospital). If the presence of all these A-Listers was not enough to blow you away, Tom Arnold was to serve as game announcer. He used to be married to Roseanne!
Now, a charity event is always an admirable endeavor and I will not disparage Robitaille’s efforts in assisting at-risk foster children, but Luc couldn’t land Richard Dean Anderson? Can you remember one “celebrity” hockey event that MacGyver wasn’t at? I’m fairly certain he had nothing else on his calendar.
Anyway, after an intense effort yesterday proved fruitless (one Google search for “Luc Robitaille Celebrity Shootout”) to find any news whatsoever regarding the event, we can only assume things went off without a hitch. Then I learned this morning that one of MYFO‘s operatives working out of our Salt Lake City branch was there and is able to provide a recap of what occurred in the dressing room prior to the event.
Show me the money!!
Cuba! Great to see you! Thanks for coming to the event! You are aware that you are not being paid for this appearance…
Anyone else would have left you by now, but I’m sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you’re gonna show me the money.
Are you just simply reciting lines from Jerry McGuire?
No, seriously! Show me the money! Please! I’m broke!
Um, okay. Well, nice seeing you again, Cuba. Scott Wolf! How long has it been?
Yeah, whatever. Have you seen how fat Jennifer Love Hewitt has gotten? Her ass is flabbier than John Madden’s jowls!
I really don’t see what the point of that comment is…
I was told there would be a buffet…
No kidding…I’m starving!
Who the hell are you?
I’m Dave Anable. Is the writer’s strike over yet?
I know Michael Jordan. I’m wearing his underwear.
Hi everyone! I’m Rachel Blanchard and for 20 bucks, I’ll suck your cock.
Luc! Show her the money!
Okay that’s about enough. This is a family event.
But it’s all I’m good at! Have you ever seen anything I’ve done?
It’s true. She sucks.
I’ve got six dollars and a “Buy One Burger Get One Free” coupon for Jack in the Box. Will that get me a handjob?
We’ll talk later.
What’s up, old timers? So, who wants to see some photos of Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens doing some ass-to-ass? Those sluts will do anything for coke.
Good Lord, Ryne! Please, everyone! This is about the at-risk foster youth! Can we focus on that?
Show me the pussy!
Jesus, Cuba! Enough already!
Has anyone noticed how good-looking I am? God, I would so go gay for myself. I’m the sole reason Friday Night Lights is so popular. By the way, does it make you gay if you eat your own jizz?
I’m not sure but it is the newest Hollywood diet! Loaded with nutrients! At least that’s what my agent told me.
When they told me I would have to shave my head to play Lex Luthor on Smallville, I started applying my baby batter to my scalp. Feel it…soft as a baby’s bottom!
Hey, I’m in General Hospital! Someone notice me! Obese women and the unemployed adore me!
Go fuck yourself, you half-wit. All that it would take is your character falling down an elevator shaft and you’d be doing porn.
Really? Scott, do you know someone in the industry?
Shut it, cumcatcher. I was in Party of Five.
No one cares, Scott. No one cares. What in the hell was I thinking? Where’s Alan Thicke when you need him? Why didn’t I invite him? He’s a big time hockey fan and would be able to get these people under control.
Here I am Luc, baby! I was hanging out at Tahiti Village in Vegas and heard about this event. If you let me play, I’ll throw in a couple tickets to one of those shows on the Strip. As long as you’re someone who is into just loving life, baby!
Sweet Jesus. Mary, Mother of God. This is pointless. McSorley, get in here and kick the living shit out of these ingrates!
Gladly. I thought you’d never ask. Who wants it first!
Show me the money!
Yeah. You’ll do.
Hey, did anyone else know there isn’t one decent strip club within 100 miles of this God-foresaken place? I need to find a new wife!
On second thought, that Haiti guy or whatever his name is can wait. Get over here, tubby.