This evening, the NHL got cold feet and asked its next-door neighbor to go steady.
It’s not that Versus isn’t good looking – she’s cute, in a “remember when we used to climb trees when we were six?” sort of way. Versus is comfortable – she’s safe. After a couple of years, she’s even turned moderately attractive. No, none of the jocks like the NFL or those X-Games skater punks are going to dream about her at night, but they stopped mocking her during lunch ever since she stopped wearing glasses and got HD.
But did you have to give her your class ring, NHL?
You’re only a sophomore in Pro Sports High, and now you’ve declared your love for someone, who at best, is slightly below you. (Be-low You. Heh.) You’ve palled around since freshman orientation because she laughed at one of your jokes (yes, that why-doesn’t-Miro-Satan-play-for-NJ joke always gets a smile), and at the time you were as insecure as Gary Bettman in the Winnipeg Airport. You needed closeness, after ESPN dumped you the summer before high school.
Can you blame her?
After middle school, you went with your parents to Canada for two months, while she hung out at the pool and got boobs. And when you came back to impress her with all this neat Canuckistan lingo you learned, she laughed at you. So you climbed the tree to Versus’ window and talked. All night long. It felt good, but secretly you knew that you were capable of dating cheerleaders, and instead you sat. Pouring your heart out to your lab partner.
And speaking of Versus, look at the other guys she talks to. The Tour de France kid? He’s nothing more than a druggie with nice abs. The Bass Pros? Those guys get a hard on any time ANYONE (male or female) says hi. What I’m trying to say, man, is YOU are out of HER league. She’s going to hold on to you NO MATTER WHAT.
I heard she already bought a chaing to wear that damn ring around her neck. That way, everyone will know that you’ve declared your love for her. Sure, she may get sneaky hot – at least in a Lisa Loeb sort of way – and then you’ve already made an excellent investment. But I wouldn’t trust your judgement, pal. You thought hockey in Miami was a good idea.
Just a word to the wise. If ESPN or Fox, or even Continental Sports Channel asks you to a movie sometime, you lace up the skates and spring for dinner. Don’t worry about getting that ring back from the Versus chick. Let her keep it, man.
I’ll call Jostens for a replacement personally.